How to REALLY Hold on to the Man of Your Dreams

New Meditation Room!!!

2012-02-12T10:19:00.001-06:00

So...J and I have been working really hard on really turning our house into a home. We had every room painted and we've been busy decorating and designing and...buying...buying...buying. And best of all, we've been throwing out things we no longer need or use...LOTS of things.

The space feels so open and beautiful right now. Incredibly peaceful.

In the meantime, I've been studying Zen meditation and specifically zazen meditation. When I study something, I also talk about it so J has sort of gotten into it with me.

We've been counting our breaths together and meditating together and discovering zazen together and I LOVE it.

In the process of getting rid of all our junk, we completely changed what used to be the lounge (and what was the dining room when the previous owners had the house) and we turned it into a meditation room!

Soon it will also have workout equipment but since we don't want to destroy the beauty of it with a giant eliptical machine or treadmill, today we're going out to buy two Asian screen room dividers. This way, the equipment can hide behind those when they're not being used.

In addition, J is going to mount a wi-fi television on one wall for playing music and videos with nature sounds or smooth jazz or any kind of soft peaceful tones to it. We opted for a television instead of a music system because when the kids are all here, they do like being able to watch in other rooms so we thought it would be good to have one more. As for us...we'll never watch it. LOL

So...want to see some pictures? This is absolutely my favorite room (outside of the bedroom, of course) in the house. I simply LOVE it!

So..what do you think? I'm open to suggestions and designing tips!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Looking for Our Passion

2012-01-24T16:58:00.000-06:00

I need to get my life in order. I don't know if it's the whole "New Years Resolution" thing or what but I feel a litle lost right now. Like something is missing. A passion. A passion I can share with my love.

I was talking (emailing) with a dear friend recently and I mentioned how I start a lot of things and then let them go. I think I keep starting and stopping because I'm looking for my passion...something to excite me or make me proud of myself or...I don't know.

I don't usually find it hard to put into words what I'm thinking but today I certainly am.

J and I are doing well, but we both feel like it's time to settle down. We'll still travel a lot (have a trip planned out of the country in April and want to travel internationally about once a year) but we're on the go all the time and we want to relax a bit. Like spend Friday nights looking for new furniture or other items for the house and yard insead of meeting the same people at the same bar to talk about the same things...over and over and over...

The problem is, outside of shopping for things to create a whole new look in the house (and I do mean whole new look...we have painters here all week re-painting every room in the house and putting in a new kitchen island and new cabinet doors), we don't know what we want to do.

We don't watch tv and even movies are getting old.

We don't mind staying home but...it just feels like we want to DO something...just not sure what.

I have lots of projects started that I could pick back up (learning to speak Portuguese, knitting, writing on this blog, reading and commenting on other blogs, writing short stories in the hopes of one day being published, etc, etc, etc) but those are things for ME, not for US.

J wants to learn to play the guitar (I bought him one for Christmas so he's all ready) and he has video games he likes to play and he has certain things online that he enjoys as well. But that's HIM, not US.

So...we're a bit stuck.

We'll enjoy the redecorating for now...and we'll work on the yard too (saw some wonderful patio furniture the other day)...and maybe get another dog (ours needs a friend and we're almost ready to take on the poop and teething and training to behave and picking everything up so it doesn't get chewed on again)...and maybe something will come to us.

We both hate the thought of being in different rooms all night while I learn a new language and he plays video games so I know we'll come up with something.

This feeling of being in a fit of chaos and wanting to move on to another level...a more peaceful one with fewer outside influences...and not knowing how to do it is a bit odd for me.

We'll still enjoy our normal stuff together like jigsaw puzzles, discussing the latest book we're reading, tasting new wine and cheese combinations that we put together ourselves, watching movies while cuddled up in each other's arms on the couch, doing crossword puzzles or sudoku outside on the patio, going to dinner in new restaurants, going to dinner in our old favorites restaurants, dancing in the kitchen, going to the gym and making each other laugh...

We just want more...something new...something calm yet fun...something that makes us feel a little more like a family and a little less like a dating couple. Something we can share.

Thoughts? Ideas? Anyone still reading this?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Going to CANADA!!!

2011-08-31T22:16:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited!! J and I are going to Canada for the weekend! We're staying in a beautiful spa and our plan is...well...no plan...just lots of loving on each other. :-) I could not be happier...long flight but we got seats together.... Long weekend away.... Long days and nights of the two of us celebrating each other and our relationship. Hope you have amazing plans for the holiday weekend! If so (or even if not)...write me and tell me all about it. As MIA as I am from the blogs, not a day goes by when I don't think of all the wonderful friends I've met out here in the virtual world. So...how are you? Much Love, Mercedes

So Blessed....

2011-07-30T09:42:00.002-05:00

I know I've put off blogging and haven't been keeping in touch much lately, but I did want to stop by and let you all know things are really, really good right now.

I am so blessed.

This summer has been relaxing and fun. The boys are having fun...J and I are enjoying them and each other so very much.

We've been hanging out together in the pool...going to the lake...downtown Houston...having friends over...

It's been wonderful!

I'm adjusting to my new job at work...and quite frankly, I'm kicking butt! My boss has been complimenting me and thanking me daily...other managers are calling just to say they are so happy I'm in this position...even Senior level management has called and said so many good things.

I think I might have found my fit at this company. I'm challenged and happy and busy...all the things I need.

J and I are so happy. We're spending lots of quality time together and we're loving each other more and more each day. It's beautiful!

So for now, I'm not blogging so much..but I'm smiling and I do think of you a lot. I really, really hope you are having a wonderful summer.

For those of you who are struggling, I pray things get better. I KNOW they will, just keep feeling confident and happy regardless of the situation and make the most of each day. Take care of YOU...take responsibility for your own happiness...let your smile light up every room you are in (even if that room is the grocery store...lol)...stick to your boundaries...and believe...believe that the perfect partner for you, the perfect life for you, the happiness you deserve is right around the corner....and trust me...it is.

For those of you who are as blessed as I am right now, enjoy every moment of it...don't take it for granted...love it with every ounce of your being. Tell you love how you feel...tell your love what you want...tell your love how incredibly grateful you are. Cherish what you have and love what will grow out of it...and trust me...it will grow.

How are things with you? Are you feeling blessed? Are you hurting? I'm just a comment or an email away.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Crazy Summer So Far!

2011-07-10T18:16:00.002-05:00

I've been a bad blogger but I wanted to stop in and say hi to everyone!

Summer has been crazy with lots of family, friends and fun!

My job changed too...which is keeping me very, very busy...but in a good way.

Tonight J and I book flights to Canada for a long weekend in September...sooo excited. We got great rates on the flights and we booked a suite in a luxury hotel. SWEET! I haven't been to Canada since I was a little girl, so I'm very excited!

I miss blogging...I miss all of you...

Hopefully I'll be back soon with a little advice, some words of wisdom or some general rambling....

Take care everyone...hope your summer is as happy as mine is.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Keys to Listening

2011-05-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

Listening...it seems so simple, huh?

Well, unfortunately, many of us (me included) are not all that good at it. We listen with a response in mind, we listen while our thoughts are on other things, we listen and are bored with the speaker (I think about those times when people are telling me their dreams...I struggle a lot with that). We "listen" but we don't.

J and I have a word we use that we stole from a Stephen King novel. The word is "moogle". It means we're not exactly paying attention to each other right now and the way we figure it...who can really get mad when someone uses the word "moogle"?

So, our "key" is that nobody gets angry at a "moogle" as long as one of us is fully ready to admit we are in that state.

For example:

"I'm sorry. I want to listen, but I'm moogling you right now. Can you give me a few minutes?"

or

"You just moogled me. Maybe now isn't a good time."

And it works.

We give each other space to "moogle" if needed and we talk/listen at a better time.

In addition to the "moogle" key, I've come up with a few more that I hope will help you (and me) become better listeners.

Keys to Listening:

1. Always know that listening is an active activity.

Active? Listening isn't passive?

Yup...active. You must actively turn toward your partner. You must actively look at them. You must actively...well...you'll see with the other keys.

2. Hear the unspoken.

Be aware that sometimes, the person speaking doesn't have all the words they need to say what they need to say. Pay attention to body language. Pay attention to what they are trying to say without actually saying it.

I try to remember that under every complaint, every negative remark, every put down from my co-workers...under all of that, they do have a legitimate thing to say. They are sending me a message...they are telling me something that I can fix for them or improve in myself, etc.

Under it all, there is something being said that we, as listeners, need to hear.

In addition to what they're "not" saying, listen to your inner voice too. We have intuition and it is there for a reason...listen to it...see if you can hear what you're really supposed to be hearing.

3. Check to make sure you really understood and you didn't assume.

This goes along with the above. Intuition can go a long way, but, sometimes, we're wrong.

Repeat what was said. Say in your own words what you heard. Make sure that what you "heard" is really what they said and not some translation that happened in your own mind.

4. Use compassion and understand that men and women are different.

Sometimes, what the opposite sex says and what we hear really are the same thing but because we can be so incredibly different, their words can still hurt. Try to remember that he or she is saying what they mean but not meaning to hurt you. Use compassion. Take everything you know about the opposite sex and how they communicate and put that into perspective when hearing what your partner is saying to you.

5. Listen with respect...even if you disagree.

This is one I have trouble with...especially if it is in regard to a subject I am passionate about. I'm better with it when it comes to J, but I think that's because I know him so well. I'm a whole lot less good at it when it comes to others. It is something I need to work on.

What we all need to try to remember is that we can respect another opinion even when we disagree with it.

What my brain keeps telling me is that I don't have to do that if it is something I am passionate about.

What I'm going to teach my brain is that it doesn't matter how passionate I am...chances are good, if the other person is fighting it too, then they are just as passionate.

6. Listen with pauses of at least 10 - 15 seconds before you speak.

Oh...this is a tough one for me. I tend to start speaking right away. Even to the point of cutting someone off.

It is so important to give those pauses. Make sure the other person has said what they need to say before we start speaking. Remember that when someone makes a statement, they almost always want to explain it and we should give them enough respect to allow them to do it.

My biggest problem with this is when I agree with them. I want to tell them I agree and I want to tell them why...and I rarely want to wait for them to tell me why they said it in the first place.

And for you ladies, please keep in mind, sometimes (a lot of the time) men need to puase and think before they speak or answer you. Let them.

7. Listen without a known response.

WOW! Another tough one for me. I'm good with shelling out advice, but not so good at waiting to come up with that advice until the person has finished speaking.

I analyze everything as they are speaking and I'm ready to go as soon as they finish.

My advice:

Don't be an analytical listener like I am (which I am going to work on).

And

Shut your mind down...clear it all out...listen. This can be practiced with meditation which we'll get into more when I post my "Keys to Meditation".

8. Put down what you are doing and make eye contact.

We all like to be looked at while we are talking. Think about how annoying it is when you are trying to talk to your partner and they are flipping through the channels on the tv or playing a video game or whatever. It's annoying and you know you are being "moogled". Give what you want to recieve. Put down the phone, stop texting or checking your facebook, look the speaker in the eye and give them your full attention. If this isn't the right time for that, then say it:

"Now is a really bad time. Can you give me just a minute because I want to give you my full attention and righ now I can't. A couple of minutes from now, I'll be 100% with you.

9. Listen with open body language.

I know some discussions put us on guard, but when we face a person, uncross our arms and appear open in our body language and our facial expressions, they will be at ease and WE will be more available to really hear what they are saying.

10. Ask questions and most importantly, PAUSE for an answer.

Sometimes we forget to ask...sometimes, we ask but forget to allow the speaker the opportunity to answer. I think this is because we think we already "know" the answer, but letting the other person answer in their own words will sometimes surprise us.

11. Check to make sure you understood but didn't assume.

Repeating back to them what you "heard" but not necessarily what they "said" by translating it into your own words is a really good way of clarifying that the two of you are on the same page and not just making up your own stories in your own minds that have nothing to do with what is actually being said.

12. Stay calm and keep your tone even.

Always make sure that no matter what the topic, no matter how much you disagree, no matter how angry you get...you are calm and your tone is even...even if theirs isn't.

This is so critical because the calmer we are, the more real the discussion becomes. The harder we try, the louder we get, the less the person hears us because...

well...

They are defensive.

And a defensive person will not listen to US an better than we're listening to THEM.

Last but not least...if necessary...

13. Breathe slowly and deeply...

Take your time with your conversations. Breathe to allow them space and pauses...breathe to keep your tone even...breathe to stay calm...breathe to keep yourself from interrupting...

Breathe to listen...

So...I have some things to work on...I have some new areas of focus...

What about you? Are you a good listener? Do you have more tips for us? Do you really HEAR when another person speaks? Or do you sometimes struggle like I do?

Hope to hear from you soon.

I'll be listening.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Cyber Stalked and NOT Taking it Any Longer!

2011-05-07T19:03:00.004-05:00

I've never really been one to hold back on what I'm thinking or feeling or anything else, but out of respect for other blog owners, I sometimes tend to re-word or even totally omit my true self on their blogs.

I got to thinking today, there are people who just plain deserve to be called out on their actions and I'm really, really tired of being censored and stopped from doing that. I can't let people use the excuse "that's just who she is" (in other words...yeah...I agree, but we just have to deal with it...).

I'm angry...that might not be the right word...I'm PISSED over the actions of a crazy lady on Rori's blog. Rori suggested I ask her not to comment to me or about me. But...I did...lots of times...and she refused. So, I'm out with it here...out with it. I do have an outlet...not the blogs of others, but my own blog where I can say whatever I want, be as pissed as I want and do what I want. This is mine and as rough and unpolished and full of swear words as it is, it's me and it's all the anger I feel at being used.

People are saying my relationship is basically open game because I put my story out there. I disagree. I put it out there to help, NOT to be attacked.

I may lose followers here...there's nothing gentle about this, but it's me, it's mine, and it's my very own outlet to vent as I so choose.

I've been accused of calling another coaches wife names. That never happened. All I said was I agreed that she must be the most patient woman on the planet. I got upset at his disrespect and I told him off (not her, him) and was blasted for it. I tried to handle it with as much grace as I could muster and...it backfired. So...here I am...zero grace, zero tact and full on me when I'm attacked.

So…there’s this woman is cyber stalking me and it’s getting quite ridiculous! No matter how many times I’ve asked her to leave me alone and not contact me or post about me or post to me, she just can’t seem to help herself.

It’s been going on for a long time, but the most recent displays of her psychotic split personality started a few weeks ago. I disagreed with an online relationship coach (*shock*) and I spoke out about how disrespectful he was being toward women. I never addressed this Jacqueline chick at all…just went crazy on the coach (in typical Mercedes style).

She posts the following to me:

"And I have a judgement here for Mercedes
If you don’t agree that’s great but to say it in that fun snarky way here achieves nothing but….ooooh, making the blog feel bad."

Now...I don’t know what “snarky” means though so there wasn’t much to say, but I want to put it out there that, I think saying things in a fun way feels good on a blog, not bad.

Well…I spent some time ignoring her and she posts this on my birthday (now you’ll see what I mean about “split personality”):

"Ms. M had a day
but it wasn’t just any day
it was her special day,
and I’ve got to say
it’s her own Birthday, and….
I’ll bet she spends it with her J!
Happy Birthday, Ms. Mercedes…sprinkles and sparkles!!"

“sprinkles and sparkles”?? Can we grow up maybe.

Now, I’ve chosen to ignore that comment and post my thank you to everyone as a group. Then, the very next comment to me is back to the thing about my disagreement with the other coach (personality #1 has shown back up again):

"And Mercedes said she was having FUN being sarcastic…I cringed. I felt bad. I felt misrepresented. And it seemed to trigger this huge round of arguing which was not, imo, coincidental."

I would like to go on record as saying two things: 1) I do have fun being sarcastic and 2) I disagree that my comments related to another coach (nothing to do with Jacqueline remember) isn’t exactly what triggered the “huge round of arguing”.

Much later, she STILL can’t let it go. Since I’m not feeding the fire that she needs me to feed, she starts baiting me (personality change again). First, she starts with calling me names and saying I was “pounding” a man and calling him names and calling him stupid and invalidating him (none of which happened by the way):

"See each response – even Mercedes felt very man-ish to me. Basically I’m a man, IF you disagree with me I’m gonna pound on you, call you names….or just tell you you’re stupid and invalidate you."

So I told her I know she loves this coach but I don’t. Who cares right? Well…SHE does:

"Mercedes, I don’t LOVE EVAN! I love Scott McKay…heee….you don’t ned me to tell you to do what you will. For me it was more of a question as to what would have to happen for me to go straight to telling someone they weren’t qualified to be married and I now was disguted and felt 0 respect for him. It felt like 0 to 60 and inappropriate."

By the way, I never told (or implied) that he wasn’t “qualified to be married” (I think everyone is qualified to be married)…I do feel zero respect for the man (but I never said that in my post to him) and “inappropriate” when it comes to blogging…well….that’s pretty much my middle name.

So now, I’ve asked her to stop talking to me or about me. And her answer:

"And no, Mercedes I won’t quit talking about you as it relates to the “spew” it’s a free world and an open blog."

“It’s a free world.” Yup ladies and gentlemen…THAT was her answer.

And she STILL can’t let the whole other coach thing go:

"Evan came here and expressed an opinion on dating…what he got back was an opinion on his deservedness to even BE married, and pity his poor wife. (nope…never said anything like that at all)
So I will always wonder if that’s how you “debate” with poor J and if he’s going to come here and tell us how much he loves it? unless you explain the jump…"

(poor J got a kick out of this by the way)

And she continues:

"(but I might quit talking about it when it bores me – it still piques my curiousity…)"

I’m here to tell you all, she does NOT “bore” easily…even if you try to ignore her she stays interested:

"And as Rori said, a simple apology goes a long way. It would feel good if you got the distinction I’m making and took those words to heart and to Evan!"

Because I care what would feel good to her or to a coach who disrespects women??

"Mercedes…thanks for playing, it was fun until the “snark” you know

Still don’t know what “snark” means but in any case, this felt over. “thanks for playing” sounds over right? Nope…

She continues…

"I don’t like sarcasm as a form of fun; it feels bullying to me. And like if you can’t win by rational debate, you’ll have an abrasive and reactionary “opinion,” which certainly doesn’t allow for au contraire…".

Okay psycho lady…I get it…you don’t like sarcasm

Now, this next part was exactly what I wanted.

"So, since you won’t stop, I will. EXCELLENTLY!!!!"

So I thanked her…

But it was a lie…

"I will now feel free to talk to you and about you again."

Great…

I ignored and was talking to someone else about my style being intimidating to some people. Wasn’t referring to anyone in particular, trying to change the subject and basically just remembering the type of woman (from my counseling days) who can’t really “take it” from me and….you guessed it…she pipes back up (posted something before this first but I couldn’t understand it so I asked if she’d been drinking):

"Laughing too much for all those typos. And just saying that’s so inflamatory, dramatic and not true! I don’t see or feel Mercedes – you – as intimidating at all. More like a small dog that has my pant leg and I can’t shake off."

and we’re back to calling names…nice…

"I was trying not to laugh diet coke onto my computer while I typed….it’s all good, Mercedes. I just won’t not talk to you because you tell me to. If you let it go, I will too. And we’ll both be fine!"

So…back to ignoring hoping that’s the truth and…low and behold, this happens:

"Thank you, Lucy, Laughing Goddess & Mercedes! For helping me clarify who I want to be and how I want to relate. By example."

One of the ladies mentioned above said “You’re welcome” and told her she felt the same way. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I was doing a serious LMAO!!!

So then, another lady on the blog gets this from Psycho Jacqueline:

"I’ll try and stay away from posting about or to you, as I don’t agree with most of your premises."

And I’m just thinking “WTF!!!! What did you say??? I want to say it!!! Word for word…just like you did…what was it??? PLEASE…give me the words to make her go away!!!! I’ll even copy and paste so I get it just right!!!!

But nope…split personality is back. I’d been ignoring and ignoring and ignoring and all of a sudden:

"and Hi, Mercedes!
I’m wondering – does J freak at holding your purse?"

And once again, I found myself thinking “WTF!?!” But I ignored. So later:

"And I love love love what Mercedes said…you deserve a man who can take ALL of your feelings!!!"

And I ignored. You see, I’ve been baited (and fallen for it) by her comments before. So…I let it go.

But this comment about her own relationship gave me LOADS of insight into why she’s so bat shit crazy:

"So, I WANT to be the baby. I told him I’d always been the baby, expected to be babied and would only be with him if I got to be the baby."

And then…more insight…into the tactics she uses to get people to leave. Push, push, push until they can’t take it anymore:

"no matter what I do, he acts like he’s never going to leave. I thought it was an act, and I fear it’s not."

And then…another side of the “real” (bitch) Jacqueline:

"For my birthday he was broke and didn’t even get me a card until I pouted"

OMG!!!!!

And finally, she fesses up to being a crazy basket case:

"I’ve already run thru the gamut of emotions and I’m back to he’s an IDIOT!!! HOW can it take this long to buy groceries for just until Monday???"

I mean seriously? A guy goes out to get groceries for you and you can’t do anything except call him names and bitch about how long he’s taking??? (I think she needs a relationship coach)

So…I’m still ignoring her and I posted about being upset that my comment (to that other coach) was edited by the blog owner and I said I posted a rant on purpose to make sure it went into moderation and the blog owner got to read it. I wasn’t talking to Psycho Jacqueline at all but…yeah….she just MUST interject:

"and poor Rori if she’s getting the “rants,” to me that just feels like the opposite of Rori. Yes we have feelings, and if we see Rori as an inspiration it’s as a great role model for not forcing those feelings down anyone’s throat."

Just so you know… “poor Rori” handled it like a pro. LMAO!

But…she still must address me directly:

"And Mercedes I thought you were gone, but wanting to acknowledge you and say part of my post was in response to your thoughts, but I am not wanting to spar or debate with you."

Really??? You were talking about me again? NO WAY!!!

Okay…I have to ignore that. Just must. So, I post to another woman on the blog about giving back as you receive and mentioned J will bring me water, without asking, and he opens the lid for me. I think it’s totally sweet and thoughtful, but does Jacqueline? Nope. I’m telling you, I can just imagine the look on J’s face if I reacted like this to a bottle of water:

"Like if someone brought me a water they’d opened the top of – I’d be like WTH? WHO told you I wanted this!"

Yeah…psycho right? So I posted to the woman who I was originally talking to in the first place and I let her know that if she got a similar response to being nice, I apologize for the bad advice but asked her to come back and I would help her deal with aggressive personalities. And I said I was getting good at it. And yes, I knew it was going to be EXACTLY what psycho bitch needed to let loose once and for all.

Jacqueline posts:

"Mercedses – that felt agressive for sure. Why does my advice and take on a situation being different from yours, and I was definitely talking about my self there…trigger you? People with different opinions seem to trigger you….and okay if you wanna be triggered. But, in the opposite of your request, I’ll ask that if you are going to talk about me, talk to me."

She was talking about herself? Using an example I gave? Okay…I get that. I’m triggered? Hmmm…nope…all I said was “I apologize for the bad advice and come back for help with aggressive personalities”…that doesn’t sound “triggered” to me.

Then…before I even have a chance to respond at all, she emails me privately (see what I mean about aggressive) even though I have told her NUMEROUS times in the past to keep stuff on the blog. If she starts it there, she needs to keep it there. I posted the following (minus the stuff in bold…just want to fill you all in on what I was thinking as I was reading it):

“I really hate it when people from this blog send private hate mail to me like this:

"are you calling my behavior aggressive? (Uhhh….ya think?) You asked me to quit talking to you or about you and I did. (Really? F’n when???) I feel like being around you is a grenade that’s gonna….BLOW! (Mirror…but yeah…I’m about to blow bitch)and I hate it. (Then leave me the F alone like I asked!)I don’t post to you, for you or for your interpretation and labeling. (now…keep this in mind, because later, she tells me that’s exactly what my relationship and my story is here for…for her to post about it) I don’t want to escalate with you, but I won’t leave the blog to make you the Only Right Advice giver? (Never once asked her to leave the blog and I had no idea that in her eyes I was the “Only Right Advice giver” other than herself. Cool though. On that entire blog – which is owned by a Relationship Coach and frequented by several others – if psycho bitch were to leave, I would be the “Only Right Advice giver” left in her mind. Quite the compliment, huh?)Why do you seem to be soooo bothered by opinions other than yours???? Does it validate you so much to have only agreement in your world, or to be the acknowledged queen with the “perfect” man? (Where did I say I was bothered by her? I said if that other woman gets a psycho reaction she should come back. Wasn’t bothered nor did I indicate such. Now… “queen with the perfect man?” THAT’S a cool compliment. But I must admit, my J is not perfect…he’s just perfect for me…)It feels desparate to me, Mercedes. Really really desparate. (And that my dear is because YOU have a limiting belief that real love doesn’t actually exist. But it does…I promise)

Not much love, (Awww….look…she wants to be like me and just can’t seem to get it right)
Jacqueline"

So, I respond with “Please remove my email from your contact list”. She declined telling me she doesn't have to. So I go out and post the above on that blog where it all started (because she KNOWS I will not take it off the blog) and I get another one…which, of course, I also post to the blog:

My words: And it continues even after I asked her to remove me from her contact list. Stalking?

This was the email she sent:

"and post this?? Wow, tasteless. Not gonna go where you are!!
know it’s hard, but my key is to never give up. I’m successful and happy and strong and in a wonderful relationship with the man of my dreams. And sometimes, things still suck. But most of all, I overcame so much and I am who I am because I was willing to work hard to get through those times. I’m a survivor of:
Sexual abuse and rape as a child, physical, mental, emotional and verbal abuse as a child, relationship with a man who beat me for three days and put me in a hospital, lost my kids, lost my job on more than one occasion, lost my marriage, lost three children to miscarriage, lost the one person who was closest to a real mother for me….
so many things…but…I survived…I’m learning lessons every single day…I’m grateful for all the wonderful blessings I do have in my life…"

YAY…now would you PLEASE leave me alone!!!!

*And for the record, I only posted her email because I repeatedly asked her to stop contacting me or posting to me or commenting to me. She chose instead to spam me and attack me. Normally, I keep email private...she banked on that by saying things in private that she didn't want others to know...in other words...she attacked with the assumption that nobody would find out about it.*

Then, a sweet lady on the blog comes to my aid a little and she gets lashed into as well:

"Elizabeth- no she said I was aggressive and wrong – more or less in my opinion and advice and I was trying to clear the air, but it’s all good. Tried to take it off blog and it blew up. And now I’ve responded….so hopefully off blog it will stay."

She IS aggressive and I never said “wrong”…just putting that out there…hate having words put in my mouth

And...

"I intend to keep it off for my part, and I apologize that private communication was posted here. I won’t do that."

So… “I intend to keep it off for my part” Does that mean she will STOP? PLEASE????

Ummmm…no…

"And as I can now see the whole bare my soul and tell you how I want to help women and you; and have the background to do so, it’s my mission …. I’ve gotten from Mercedes by email was either a misdirection or has been rescinded…
My confusion has evaporated!
I feel total clarity."

This line in the email was one I couldn’t get past though “You asked me to quit talking to you or about you and I did.”…so I posted the following:

Not sure how we get from:

"You’re like a puppy I can’t shake off my leg"

and

"Hey Mercedes, does J hold your purse"

and
"Mercedes I thought you were gone, but wanting to acknowledge you and say part of my post was in response to your thoughts, but I am not wanting to spar or debate with you. Just to allow."

To:

” You asked me to quit talking to you or about you and I did.”
But whatever.

Cyber Stalking is what I call it.

So…now…there is no question…I take this as stalking right? I’m not even being quiet about that. It’s STALKING in my mind. So if it were you, would you leave that person alone? Did she? Nope…she posts the following (apparently drug induced) paragraph that I can’t even begin to decipher:

"I got a note….about staying away from people that feel bad, and another about rancid stew and another….about being uplifted. I’m changing some habits….which will mean missing some stories, but will also bring my focus back to my own life and accomplishments. That’ll be a good thing!! And will feel better for my goals; re-aligning myself with my highest good starts….now!"

No idea. But in any case, I was hoping some of it meant she was going to focus on herself and leave me alone, but no. She couldn’t. So in typical “dog” fashion, I stuck with it as well.

One of the guys on the blog reached out to me and I gave him this as an explanation:

“I tried and tried to ignore but I think that was driving her crazy because she kept at it and at it and at it. I pretty much knew as soon I as addressed her again it was going to go bad so I didn’t. Then when I used a line of hers that was directly related to something J does, she went into attack mode on my personal email account. Not cool. The way I see it, if you know someone is a grenade about to blow you shouldn’t probably pull the pin out and hold on for dear life.”

And she ran to “blog management” (only she spelled it wrong) and posted the following “rant”:

"Blog managment was contacted and I was approved to respond in feeling messages if I felt maligned (great word choice!)
I feel extremely concerned that someone is giving advice who isn’t in any way certified to."

but I’m not going to produce my certificate nor my resume from my past work with teens and abused women for her, so she’ll always have to doubt this. But she's not done with the rant, so let's read on, shall we?

"And that I think is bogus, and is not in feeling messages although I’ve been told to talk that
way. I feel reactionary!
I feel amused that someone would think they were a grenade who can actually hurt someone"

Ummm…those were HER words…

"when I’ve felt they were like an old small dog – not a puppy – a wizened barks at anything nips at heels, and then goes into a frenzy of explosion. And yet can do no real damage."

Okay…enjoy your little visions dear…take this pill now and go to sleep….

"I feel amazed that someone is so ego centric that any comment about what they post in an open discussion on a public forum….can then be about them…and the punishment for that is attempted anhilation!"

Anhilation? Huh? Like trying to get someone to leave? Which I never did? Or killing them? I never attempted murder dear followers…not once…so…not sure what she’s referring to here, but it looks like the pill has not taken affect yet

She continues:

"I feel concerned that there are people who thrive and get off on conflict."

Like me? Because I do. Like her? Nah…she’s not trying to instigate conflict…

And...she...just...can't...stop...

"I feel afraid of this blog being labeled a place for crazy women."

Well…crazy woman – single – yes. But if you would just take the pill…

"I feel afraid that normal social courtesies can be ignored in the relative anonymity of the internet, so people can post private correspondence, make baseless accusations and get agreement by “snark!”

Unsolicited private emails – when someone has been asked NOT to continue the practice – yeah…public. And I STILL don’t know the definition of the word “snark!”

"I feel afraid of people who send me long emails of victimization detailed pasts to explain how much they want to help me, and then don’t help! and then are not anyone I’d want help from."

Afraid? Is that really the right word? COOL! But I’m not intimidating and can’t do any real harm, so why the word “afraid” for soooo many paragraphs in a row now??

"I feel afraid of people with radical personality swings who seem to thrive from an audience."

Oh…now I get it! She’s afraid of HERSELF!!!

"I feel questioning of people who post here whose relationships are always and only….perfect. Perfect love, perfect actions, perfect adoration."

“I feel questioning”???? LOL! But I can tell you, the rest of what she said here is PURE BLISS and I wish it for each and every one of you!

"I have doubt that this is the truth. I don’t like feeling like sh*t’s being shoveled."

But I think she could find it if she for herself too if she wouldn’t scream about open water bottles, threaten to leave if she can’t be the baby, pout about birthday cards and bitch about how long those grocery store trips take…

Well…I moved on to other things (completely ignored the above except for my own thoughts) and posting the following out of sheer gratitude for the followers on that blog seeking me out on mine:

"My blog traffic went up 68% and 43% of that was from this blog. I just want to say “thank you” because it is really nice to know I’m not talking to a black hole.
Very much appreciated!"

One would think that was nice, right? Nope. Psycho Jacqueline didn’t like it a bit:

"I feel battered and used by someone who left after congratulating themselves on their increased blog traffic. I feel smirky superior that I have no agenda, can pay for my blog regardless of traffic, have no need to preach and can just be here to help by listening. And surprised that Athol Kaye wrote a book and my interview with him has led my searches and tripled or more my blog traffic."

Just to interject here, blogger is free and I wasn’t in financial trouble when I posted that…merely wanted to say “thank you”. And why, when I do that, does she feel battered and used but in the very same paragraph, she talks about her own increased blog traffic?? Was I supposed to feel battered and used? I didn’t. Amused maybe…

She continues with that now well known rambling that doesn’t make any sense to me…

"I also learned that an agenda is a good thing to have and a good way to be to have a “product” and an image on the web. And that if you have the product and the image, you don’t necessarily feel real to me. You feel edited, constrained and one note. And that a lot of people who post “edit” themselves, which feels sad to me. If I can’t be really real here – then where? I’m not a Velveteen Rabit, nor am I even attempting to be perfect. I don’t edit myself, and I’m glad."

But maybe you should…I don’t know…do a once-over proof-read?

"And I’m not feeling bad – maybe a little snake bittenish? But really I’m feeling a sign to take a step away from the involvment and focus on my own personal signs…and growth….and thoughts."

Once again, I’m asking “Please” but not holding out much hope…these types of promises have been going on for a long time now with zero results.

But I did want to let her know that after congratulating myself, I didn’t go away…just got busy, so I posted this:

"No worries…I didn’t leave. Just had to work, had a day of travel and had a love come home from his travels. But it’s all good. Blog still free and I’m still very, very grateful for those who wanted to read there and hear all that preaching of mine."

AAAAAANNNNDDDD She responds:

"and good for you Mercedes. I know there are people you will reach and you have a definite message – and to those people your words will be golden. There’s plenty of space here and there and everywhere. Peace out!"

Was that sarcastic or the other personality? The one who gave birthday wishes and then went off ranting and raving in the very next post? I keep getting lost.

So…I ignore (with a touch of hope that "peace out" means she's done) and am talking to someone else about a totally different post and talked about how the woman took care of her situation without drama. Who has to pipe up? Yup:

"How do people know it was without drama?"

I didn’t say anything but thought to myself “Sheesh! That woman told us what happened. I’m not about to call her a liar and in what she told, there was no drama.”

Went on to have a great day posting with others and I felt good so I thanked them:

"You ladies are a joy to spend time with today and I truly appreciate you! You’re making me smile and you’re making me feel like my voice here is welcome and my words here have value. Thank you!"

Okay, that was nice, right? Well…don’t forget, Psycho Jacqueline doesn’t like it when you thank people and appreciate them or are nice. This is what I get from her:

"Earlier today, Mercedes said thank you ladies for making me feel welcome. Once, I said someone was trying to make me feel…and it got pulled out for comment. As in no one can MAKE you feel anything. But I’m sure Mercedes did feel welcome."

And a very, very sweet poster put the following up:

Miss Jacqueline, were you trying to say someone was trying to make you feel something “bad”?

Context still matters:P And that would be the difference between what you said and what Mercedes sad.

And “you’re trying to make me feel x” isn’t much of a feeling statement, but i think you know that.

I appreciate when any person says thank you, and notes that I made them feel good. Yay! Kind of like why it’s okay to say I feel loved (by you) but not okay to say I feel unheard (by you).

And my next post reiterated my thanks to everyone except the mosquitos in TX (btw, Psycho Jacqueline is from TX….)

"Thank you everyone for making me feel welcome! The mosquitos here in TX aren’t!"

Off on another topic, not talking to her or about her at all and all of a sudden, YUP! She’s baaack. I felt compelled to say the following:

I said: Jacqueline: If you can’t respect my wishes, please do not make assumptions about why I did things or how they affected my heart. Especially when I’ve clearly (on multiple occasions) communicated the opposite.

I took this quote from her post: “Maybe like Mercedes said, to prove he once WAS that man we fell in love with. But then she reconciled…so I’ve come to think we push because we want to re-birth LOVE….”

I said: I wanted no such thing. Had zero intentions of ever getting back together with him. Nothing in my “push” was to get him back. HE pushed for that.

I took this quote from her post: “It might be better, but that belief in true love…is tarnished.”

I said: Nope. Not at all. As a matter of fact, there are lots of people who doubt what J and I have…they are the ones who can’t believe it’s real (I believe you used the word “desperate”)…those are the people who have a tarnished sense of love. For me, regardless of history…I believe in all love has to offer…all of it. No tarnished view at all.

And she responds:

"and Mercedes thank you for posting every time I post! I will speak about your story as it is here to be spoken of…but glad for your clarification. I don’t doubt your love at all."

Now…the only time I posted to this creepy bitch was when she mentioned my name or my relationship or my situation but…I’ll pretend it is me starting it all and so…with the benefit of the doubt her way, I post the following:

"You’re welcome…as long as you are going to stalk me I’m going to post back…pretty much every single time…

And if my story is here for you to speak of it (news to me…but WOW! Ok….) then we may as well keep the record straight huh? Every single time you put words in my mouth and make horrible assumptions about my life (like DAILY) then yes…I will correct you because I’m really, really tired of you spinning my life (and the lives of others here) for your personal enjoyment. You behave like your own life is so pathetic all you can do is make other people’s lives worse in order to make yourself feel better. You are here for other people’s stories (as you put it) because…your own life isn’t interesting enough?

Whatever works for you Jacqueline but I will not sit back and allow you to spin my relationship in ways that make you feel good about yourself."

And this pretty much ended it for me. My relationship is not a “story that is here to be spoken of”, it is my life and my love and it is not to be used and twisted and made fun of for her growth but she had to say:

"Mercedes your story doesn’t affect how I feel about myself. I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s a good illustration and an unusual and unique one for the blog. After I attempted to write you and “work on it” and your response, I was done. My switch is flipped. There is no relationship between you and I – it’s just another story here for my growth."

Just another story…wow…so insulting huh? To reduce someone’s love and relationship to “just another story”…

And so ends the novel of Psycho Jacqueline and Miss Mercedes. I quit. I can pretty much take it all, but my relationship is not here for people to pick apart and belittle publically. I am open to talking about it, answering questions, explaining how it happened and how we got here and being here with an open heart for someone who might be going through something similar, but…I am not “just another story”.

I feel very, very blessed to be in such an amazing situation. I feel blessed that I’m not a former stripper sitting at the computer bitching about how long my man is gone and acting like the baby I think I deserve to be…and I’m pretty sure J feels very, very blessed that I don’t screech about water bottles and birthday cards and that I don’t say things like “no matter what I do he won’t leave”.

And I will stay associated with people I feel blessed to be around and hope that those from the other blog who feel blessed to be around me will come see me here. That would feel good. And so, this is how I ended it:

"You win Jacqueline. Talk about me & my relationship behind my back. “grow” if you will (please). Unsubscribing. Everyone else…you know how to find me. Jacqueline…please show respect and do not follow me to my blog or my email."

I went back today to get details for this blog post and yeah…she’s still talking about me. LOL!

Now…who wants to place bets on whether or not she’ll follow me here or email stalk me again?

Any takers?

*Thank you everyone for listening. I feel SOOOOO much better after having ranted this out! Because sometimes, a bitch just needs to be called a bitch and too many other blogs block that stuff because it's too harsh. True yes, but too harsh. I'll be back to original programming soon!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Taking a New Turn With the Blog

2011-05-02T21:19:00.002-05:00

I read a book yesterday call "Keys to the Kingdom" by Allison Armstrong and I really kind of liked it. The reading was a bit...ummm...easy but some of the concepts and what she has learned about men were really good.

However, it got me thinking.

Yes...there are keys to the Kingdom and I doubt I read about even most of them, but there are keys to other things as well.

So, I decided to take a turn with the blog for a bit an focus on keys to other things as well...maybe things that are more along the lines of "inner work" rather than "getting a man".

There wasn't a single thing I disagreed with in the book and there were a lot of things I really liked about it. I loved how she explained different stages men go through to get to where they need to be and I REALLY loved how she explained how those individual stages affect those men and what they need from us, as partners, while they are in those stages.

Most of it was common sense, but much of it was still very good reminders of what men need from us.

It didn't however, focus on women and what we need and what we want...and some of that very focus, on us, is what men need.

So...for a time, I will focus on my own set of keys:

Keys to listening
Keys to setting boundaries
Keys to not losing yourself in every man that comes along
Keys to helping him feel loved and respected while still focused on what our own needs are.
Keys to taking care of ourselves
Keys to meditation

I know I'm not the most consistent blogger but I hope to spend some time on this. My plan is to focus my own meditations on what we, as women, can do to become the woman of HIS dreams while, at the same time, give full attention to also becoming the woman WE want and need to be.

I personally want to be a very well rounded, open minded, independent woman who cares for herself, loves not only her man but everyone around her, and most of all...someone I can love too.

Because until we all learn to love and take care of ourselvs, we absolutely cannot...CANNOT...expect a man to take care of us.

I hope you stick around and read...I hope it makes a difference in you lives...and mostly, I hope it makes a difference in mine.

Much Love,
Mercedes

33% of Women Get Cold Feet?

2011-04-27T17:56:00.002-05:00

I was listening to the radio this morning and the DJ said there was a study done on women who have doubts about whether or not their marriage will last...while they're walking down the isle!

This surprised me a lot.

That many?

Why go through with it?

The male DJ said that percentage is much higher for men. He believes almost all men have doubts that day.

I'm wondering how accurate that is.

I mean really?

Is it because we've been told that "cold feet" is normal?

Is it because we've heard the statistics about divorce rate?

Is it normal?

Is it the reason divorce rates are so high?

Are we forgetting to listen to our inner voices that tell us we're making a mistake. Did we stop trusting our instincts?

Looking back on my marriage, I don't think I had any doubts at all. It still didn't work out, so do those instincts even mean anything anyway?

I know if I were walking down the isle with J today I would have no doubts.

What does this say/mean?

Really curious why people (men or women) would go through with marriage and have those doubts.

What about you?

Did you have doubts?

Did it even matter?

Very curious.

Much Love,
Mercedes

PS: I'm really sorry but I don't know where the study came from or I would give credit here. I tuned in just a touch too late to hear the details from the beginning.

Keep Your Vibe Open and Deal with Disrespect?

2011-04-22T09:01:00.004-05:00

Ok...J is out of town and I went out for a bit last night. I just wanted to have a few drinks, laugh with good friends and enjoy myself.

Twice I got asked by men I've never seen before, "Are you married?"

And that's okay...they're gonna ask. My answer to that is always "I'm happily in love."

I think what I said is a good way to explain someone like me. Not married, no desire to be married and yet very much in love with my guy.

Why does that seem to be a signal to men that they can keep it up? Do you have to be married to be off limits?

I'm a pretty outgoing person and my vibe is almost always open. I love meeting people, laughing and having a good time. I realize sometimes, when J isn't around, that can translate to "she's available" and I'm willing to deal with that and explain my situation anytime.

But once I explain, shouldn't that be their signal to let it go?

I mean really? Somehow that means men just need to try a little harder?

What's up with that?

Are we a society so plagued by cheating and sneaking around that it is common place for a woman to be open to whatever when her man isn't around.

I hope there are some men out there who can weigh in on this.

When a girl is taken...in love...happy...secure...and for the night, alone...

Do you back off or do you keep it up?

Wouldn't you rather focus on someone who is available? Or is it the challenge of getting someone else's girl that's so appealing?

Is it the knowledge that she's going back to someone else and won't include any strings that is the attraction?

Is it even really disrespectful or am I making too much of this?

I'm really curious.

Ladies...have you experienced this and does it irritate you as much as it irritates me?

Did I just meet a couple of trained pickup artists? Or are most guys like this?

UGH!!

I just wanted to have fun!

Much Love,
Mercedes

I LOVE This Bag!!!

2011-04-16T17:34:00.011-05:00

Treated myself to a little online shopping today....

I bought the bag in the last picture above from Real Deal Brazil and I absolutely LOVE it and can't wait til it gets here!

I love the other ones too and will probably buy more.

Oh...and I bought a hat. And a hat band.

J's getting one next but he wants to see mine first.

Now...where can I find a farmer's market? I need to throw some organic fresh veggies in it to make me feel authentic.

Hope you are all having a wonderful Saturday!!

Much Love,
Mercedes

EDIT: J couldn't wait either. He bought a hat!

Now we're planning a weekend away...maybe at the lake...some place casual and fun with a few beers, some hot wings or burgers and our new hats!

Not exactly the farmer's market, but maybe even better! :-)

Awesome Birthday!!!

2011-04-14T19:38:00.002-05:00

I had a fabulous birthday!

So incredibly grateful for all of my friends (in person and in cyber space).

So very, very grateful for my family who loves me no matter what.

So amazingly grateful for J, the man of my dreams and the love of my life.

Thank you everyone for everything you do, everything you write and for being you and being here.

Wishing you all as many blessings as I have received.

Much Love,
Mercedes

I'm in LOVE

2011-04-04T21:46:00.001-05:00

I know there are plenty of people in this world who hate that, but I can't help it. I AM!!!

So in the spirit of bragging about my life, here it is:

I AM IN LOVE!!!!

AND

I AM LOVED!!!!!

I am SOOOOO lucky!

Thank you J...for supporting me and for helping me make all my dreams come true.

Much Love (as you well know),
Mercedes

My New Meditation

2011-03-31T20:52:00.004-05:00

Recently, I read something Rori Raye had written and I loved it and wondered what it would be like to meditate on it:

“I don’t like this “vent” – it’s just – to me – about energy. You start with the negative, you move through it to other thoughts and feelings, you love even your negative feelings, things morph, you go round about until another negative feeling emerges, you work with that one… That’s more what I like to do and suggest. Inundating yourself with just either “negative” or “positive” thoughts seems like way too much thinking, way too much “in a box” – I like movement. I like to feel things move around in me and through me… Love, Rori”

Now…granted, things have been going pretty well for me lately and I haven’t had a whole lot of negative feelings come to me, but the one area where I most consistently feel “not good enough” is my looks.

It’s crazy because I’ve never received any indication from anyone that I struggle in the looks department but I’ve been conscious of every wrinkle, every sag, every line, every gray hair and every pound gained or lost since my 20’s.

I’m almost ready to turn 40 and although that doesn’t scare me, what can (will?!?!) happen to my looks does.

No matter how often J tells me I’m beautiful (every single day without fail and usually multiple times per day), there’s a tiny voice inside my head that says “well…I think I USED to be anyway”.

This voice is getting quieter over time, but it does still exist…and sometimes, it gets quite loud.

So, moving forward, I’m not going to look in the mirror and convince myself with words that I look great (because to be honest, when I try, I usually don’t believe myself anyway), but instead, I’m going to feel those feelings…I’m going to allow them to flow through me (they must flow though…I will NOT let them stay) and I’m going to work with it.

I’m going to practice this.

I’m not all that good at practice so this should be different. LOL

No more venting. No more talking myself into pretending I’m okay. No more pushing it off to the side.

I’ll work with it.

(And then I’ll get out an exercise tape or a smoothing cream or my little device I bought from Tinque or whatever…and I’ll beat the HELL out of it.)

40 and fabulous!

That’s my plan.

Much Love, (and happy meditations for all)
Mercedes

Great Relationships Really DO Exist

2011-03-31T09:14:00.004-05:00

I have come across several people in the last few months that really believe great relationships are a myth. They doubt anyone and everyone who claims to be truly happy with their partner. They don’t believe it can honestly be “that easy”. I’m here today to suggest to you that these relationships DO exist and that they really are that easy.

They exist without compromises.

They exist without pain.

They exist without conflict.

They exist without disagreements.

(To all those out there who believe “all healthy couples have disagreements”, I’m here to challenge YOU to lose that pesky little limiting belief and BELIEVE this can happen for you too!)

It’s funny to me when I see how many people are in such a quick rush to believe relationships have to be so much work and you have to compromise and there must be conflict and yet it’s like pulling teeth to get them to believe it can be AWESOME! I recommend each of you look around and check out the relationships of those women and men who are super happy and pattern yourself and your thoughts after them. Read what they have to say. Really HEAR them. Commit to meditating on their teachings, to learning from them, to getting exactly what YOU want out of life and relationships.

To name just a few you might want to look at some of my favorites:

Tinque and K are so much like J and I they scare me sometimes. (tinque – our specialist in sex - is at www.sexandheart.com)

Rori Raye and her husband are in wedded bliss. (see Rori’s relationship work at www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com)

Drs Steve and Vera Bodansky who specialize in the study of sensuality and the power of orgasm (find out more at www.extendedmassiveorgasm.com)

Countless others are out here telling everyone they too can have bliss in their relationships…that they too can have so much fun…that they too can hold on to their desires and never have to compromise again…that they too can literally coast through life with the partner of their dreams.

Yet there is so much resistance and I just don’t get that.

I do believe not all (or even most) relationships start out that way but they can certainly get there when given time to grow and flourish.

Paying attention to the wants, needs and dreams of the other person will put you well on the path to that success.

Taking care of yourself, knowing what you want, communicating your boundaries and committing your life to happiness will put you well on that path.

Taking care of your partner, recognizing their feelings and understanding their dreams will put you well on that path.

Committing to that path together - as a couple - will put you well on that path.

And most of all, BELIEVING that REAL LOVE DOES EXIST will put you well on that path.

Please, pay no attention to your men bashing friends.

Choose not to participate in those conversations where someone is saying something along the lines of “all men…”

If you have a friend who is always “bragging” about her man and never says anything bad about him, choose to believe her rather than roll your eyes at her.

(Did you know in Mama Gena’s - another life coach who I just LOVE - teachings, she REQUIRES a brag session? It doesn’t have to be about a man or your relationship but she requires her students get together with other women and BRAG about their lives!! Cool stuff huh? Rather than talk about all the negative things going on in our lives, why don’t we spend more time bragging about the good stuff? Because it’s socially unacceptable to brag? What does that say about our social rules? Lol)

Lose that limiting belief you hold which whispers to you “She’s clearly hiding the truth. No man is that good.”

Lose your suppressed jealousy of her, trust her and believe with all your heart that she has it and that you can have it too!

What I know for sure:

I believe it exists. I live it in my own life. I believe it for you. I believe it for each and every one of you.

I encourage YOU to believe it too! And I encourage each of you to encourage others to believe it too. Stop the man bashing with the girls and instead, commit to teaching THEM to believe in their own ability to have all the love they could possibly hold.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Thank You From the Bottom of My Heart!!!

2011-03-22T20:04:00.005-05:00

This past weekend, I read a book (actually re-read. I read it once before and for some reason it had little affect on me then and a major affect on me know...but I'll explore that in a later post) this past weekend and one of the many things it reminded me of was how incredibly important it is to give thanks for what we have.

Sometimes, blogging can feel very much like a black hole. It feels like you're talking to yourself and no matter how good or bad the advice, nobody except you is hearing it.

What I forgot was to be grateful for what I have and what I have are some amazingly loyal followers who may not always comment but do always read.

So...I decided to do a little research. What I found astonished me!! I don't just have followers who comment, I have followers all over the world.

Men and women...no matter where they live, what color their skin is, what their culture dictates...all need someone to understand them. The internet has put that need within reach.

In the last 30 days alone:

67% of my readers found me from an interne search.

32% are here because they bookmarked my page or they type in the address.

The remaining are referred here from other sites or blogger, etc.

I'm so incredibly happy and grateful for each and every one of you.

Many I know, many I don't. I would love to know each and every one of you but for those who prefer to remain silent and read without commenting, I want you to know, I appreciate you just as much as I appreciate those who have reached out to me personally.

I no longer feel I am posting to myself.

Thank you!

Thank you to everyone from each of the following countries who stopped by for a visit. Whether you read the entire blog and spent hours here or whether you stopped by for a quick glance and moved on, I am grateful for the visit.

A very much deserved thank you to each and every person from the following countries:

United States
United Kingdom
Canada
Romania
Australia
India
Spain
Ireland
(several visits from a country not specified)
Germany
Malasia
Philippines
France
Jamaica
Italy
Kenya
Singapore
Norway
Sweden
Dominican Republic
Netherlands
Tanzania
Saint Kitts and Nevis
New Zealand
Russia
Belgium
Brazil
South Africa
Lebanon
Algeria
Saudi Arabia
Barbados
Columbia
Switzerland
Japan
Nigeria
Pakistan
Iraq
Peru

No matter what language you speak...no matter how easy or difficult the material was to understand...no matter what you thought of anything I said...I appreciate each and every one of you for taking the time to visit, to read, to just be you and just be here.

And I hope everyone received something...some tidbit of wisdom...that will help guide you through life, love, romance or more.

As many of you are aware, I am on a new personal journey of self discovery and I will do whatever I can to make the most of this blog and to update you on my progress, my setbacks, my pitfalls and my successes.

Please stick around and keep reading.

Thank you!!
Much Love,
Mercedes

Life!

2011-03-15T18:43:00.002-05:00

How can it be so good and so bad all at the same time?

Over the last couple of weeks, J and I have been to many concerts, nice dinners, dancing and enjoying the company of family and friends. So Good!

In the meantime, a million (give or take several hundred thousand) miles away, a very special little girl in my life had open heart surgery, lung surgery and is currently in Children's Hospital awaiting more...and there's nothing I can do and it is not possible for me to be there.

And work is crazy busy with no time to think during the day...

And although I don't know anyone personally who has friends or family in Japan, my heart goes out to everyone....

So bad...

Life is strange.

When different emotions collide...well...it makes me feel a bit off.

I hope each and every one of you is much, much more balanced in your life than I am right now.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Rodeo and Concert

2011-03-10T21:23:00.002-06:00

Had a great time last night! Much needed break from work so I took off a little early and went to the Houston Rodeo and a Martina McBride concert with J.

I've been to a lot of rodeos and this is my third time seeing Martina and I'm not sure I ever needed to do either of those things again but...had a great time anyway!!

Oh...and he bought me a cowboy hat on the way out.

According to the sales guy and J, I look beautiful in it! :-)

Hope everyone is having a great week so far and I sincerely hope you all enjoy the weekend (I'll be back at the rodeo...in my new hat...lol)

Much Love,
Mercedes

An expert from The 100/0 Principle by Al Ritter

2011-03-03T21:40:00.002-06:00

I LOVE this and thought I would put it here. If nothing else, so I can come back and read it.

What is the most effective way to create and sustain great relationships with others? It’s The 100/0 Principle: You take full responsibility (the 100) for the relationship, expecting nothing (the 0) in return.

Implementing The 100/0 Principle is not natural for most of us. It takes real commitment to the relationship and a good dose of self-discipline to think, act and give 100 percent.

The 100/0 Principle applies to those people in your life where the relationships are too important to react automatically or judgmentally. Each of us must determine the relationships to which this principle should apply. For most of us, it applies to work associates, customers, suppliers, family and friends.

Step 1 – Determine what you can do to make the relationship work…then do it. Demonstrate respect and kindness to the other person, whether he/she deserves it or not.

Step 2 – Do not expect anything in return. Zero, zip, nada.

Step 3 – Do not allow anything the other person says or does (no matter how annoying!) to affect you. In other words, don’t take the bait.

Step 4 – Be persistent with your graciousness and kindness. Often we give up too soon, especially when others don’t respond in kind. Remember to expect nothing in return.

At times (usually few), the relationship can remain challenging, even toxic, despite your 100 percent I and self-discipline. When this occurs, you need to avoid being the “Knower” and shift to being the “Learner”. Avoid Knower statements/thoughts like “that won’t work”, “I’m right, you are wrong”, “I know it and you don’t”, “I’ll teach you”, “that’s just the way it is”, “I need to tell you what I know”, etc.
Instead use Learner statements/thoughts like “Let me find out what is going on and try to understand the situation”, “I could be wrong”, “I wonder if there is anything of value here”, “I wonder if…”etc. In other words, as a Learner, be curious!

Principle Paradox

This may strike you as strange, but here’s the paradox: When you take authentic responsibility for a relationship, more often than not, the other person quickly chooses to take responsibility as well. Consequently, the 100/0 relationship quickly transforms into something approaching 100/100. When that occurs, true breakthroughs happen for the individuals involved, their teams, their organizations and their families.

Hope you like it as much as I do

Much Love,
Mercedes

Dear God...

2011-02-27T18:13:00.002-06:00

Dear God,

I need a break. I can't lose anyone else close to me. Please.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Romantic Valentine’s Day, A Couple of Trips and Surprises!

2011-02-25T18:23:00.002-06:00

WOW! It’s been a long time since I’ve been here! As always, I’ve been very busy but…I think things are going to pick up a little with my ability to blog!
I got a new laptop!!!

I’m sooo excited!!!

I spent a little more money than I had intended, but I got absolutely everything I could need. I convinced myself that I deserve it because the last time I bought a laptop was 10 years ago and I’ve been suffering with it all this time. I was good…so I was good to myself.

Now, when J wants to play video games and I want to be online, I can still be with him. Before this, I would be reading or something else because I absolutely hated being in the computer room alone and I hated using my laptop to TRY to connect to the internet.

Best of both worlds!

I still won’t be on nightly because he and I spend a lot of time actually together doing things but sometimes, it will just work out and make sense.

That makes me happy!

Okay…so what’s been going on with me?

Valentine’s Day was AWESOME!!

J and I have never celebrated Valentine’s Day. No cards or flowers or even dinner. Maybe a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text or saying it before work or something but never made it anything special. So this year, I was expecting more of the same.

Early on in our relationship, it would bother me that we didn’t make it a special day and I was a touch jealous of the other women I know who were having all kinds of romance and my day was “just another day”. I got used to it though and soon just let the expectations go out the window so there was no disappointment.

(I made myself feel a little better in the early stages by reminding myself that HE wasn’t getting to experience ME in a hot little nighty either…it’s not just the women who benefit from this particular day.)

This year, the “big day” started out like any other. A “Happy Valentine’s Day” and a kiss goodbye before heading off to work.

I had to work a little late and thought nothing of it because, as I said, in my mind, this had become “just another day”.

When I got home, he asked if I wanted to go out with him. We left and instead of going to the bar where we normally hang out, we went to a really nice wine bar that I LOVE, he ordered a yummy dinner and a WAY too expensive bottle of wine saying “It’s a special day. Let’s treat ourselves.”

That was the first experience I had ever had with him referring to Valentine’s Day as “special”.

I smiled all night while we drank the wine, laughed and talked and really just enjoyed each other’s company. It was beautiful, romantic, unexpected and AMAZING!!

We’ve done other things since I last posted too….

A FUN trip to Colorado for some snowboarding, hot tubs and fire places…complete with wine, sushi dinners and good friends.

Last weekend we went to Arizona where I met some of his friends and connected with friends of my own who I haven’t seen in YEARS.

One night in AZ, he was busy with work stuff so I decided to take myself out for a nice (really nice) dinner and I would meet him later. He finished up early and met me at the restaurant but he had already eaten so I offered to buy him a glass of wine while he watched me devour some amazing (and I do mean amazing…I’m going to try to make it) salmon. He took me up on that offer and we, again, just enjoyed…it was so nice.

When the check came, he took it saying he wanted to buy my dinner.

I warned him…I really had treated myself well.

STICKER SHOCKER!

He paid anyway saying he wanted to treat me and he was sorry he couldn’t have taken me out to dinner instead of me having to start out the evening alone.

I just consider that really, really nice.

I feel very blessed .

I have really been noticing lately what I believe is the key to why J and I are so happy together:

We don’t expect anything of the other. We don’t let each other down because we don’t want more.

I don’t expect to celebrate Valentine’s Day, so when it happens, I am happier than I would have been had he been the kind of guy to always buy flowers.

If I expected flowers, one of two things would have happened:
1. I would have been let down.
2. He would have bought me flowers like always and it would have been nothing surprising.

If I expected him to always surprise me every year, I can promise…eventually, I would have felt let down.

Instead, I expect nothing and get surprised.

If I expected J to take me out for a nice dinner when I want one, I would not have received the surprise of having him pick up the tab on a day when I, on a whim, decided to treat myself.

If I expected anything, I would have missed the surprise.

So many times in our relationship it is the lack of expectation that allows the surprise.

I know he does this for me a LOT…I wonder if, in my own way, I do the same for him.
I’ll have to think about that some. I sure hope so. If I don’t, I’m going to work on that because in my eyes, he deserves to be surprised too.

What about you? Are you surprised? Are you open to surprises? Are you one with a lot of expectations? Are you open to dropping those expectations?

Hmmm….something to ponder.

Hope you all are well…I miss writing and I miss hearing from you!

Much Love,
Mercedes

So Busy!

2011-02-11T11:22:00.000-06:00

I've been so incredibly busy lately!

Last night I took the night off.

J & I shared a bottle of wine, he started a cozy fire, he put on some soft music, we crawled under a blanket on the couch with a couple of good books & just relaxed.

Later I made us a snack of seasoned tilapia & scallops with a white wine sauce & some crispy wheat garlic bread. Yummy!

I spent all night last night in his arms...

I'm so busy...yes...but most of the time I just absolutely LOVE my life.

I hope you all are blessed today!

Much Love,
Mercedes

My Bad...and a Little Wisdom Maybe

2011-01-05T18:52:00.002-06:00

I know...I know...I promised to come back and tell you all about the trip to Florida...and then life got in the way and I didn't! So sorry!

Florida was awesome! We found a hotel easily but it was in the "wrong" part of town and was a bit scary. We had to switch floors once because someone kept knocking on our door asking for drugs. lol

We did meet the coolest cab drivers though...they were awesome about showing us around and getting us to the fun areas of town.

And we met LOTS of people. And the band bought me a drink at one of the bars because I took the tip jar around and collected over $200 for them. That was fun.

And basically...we enjoyed each other and a new city and had a fabulous time!

The holidays were great! We had all the kids here with us which was soooo cool (that's never happened before...having them all at once). It was exhausting but awesome. Neither of us had to work so we just got to spend tons of time hanging out and playing games and watching movies and sharing meals. WOW! I felt so blessed. So incredibly blessed.

Now I'm back to work and back to blogging and back to doing what I do...or what I procrastinate on or whatever. LOL

On Rori's blog, I gave some advice today that I want to expand on a little. Normally I would do it there, but as she said...that turned in to a cat fight and I don't want to post all my good stuff in the middle of a cat fight! LOL

Here's what I said (will omit names because the woman I was posting to isn't a follower of mine and I don't want to take her story off the blog she posts to. I want to focus instead on what I was saying to her and why I was saying it):

"R is not real anymore…but he’s real in your heart. Now is the time, not to remove him from your heart (I think he has a permanent place there) but to put him in a back corner of it…put him in a place in your heart where you can feel him and smile and move on. He taught you a lot of good lessons about yourself and what you want and what you don’t want. See if you can apply those lessons now. See what happens."

Do you think this is so true sometimes?

We have this relationship that was once very, very real and then it ends. The day it ends, it is no longer real. But that doesn't mean the day it ends is the day it is not real to our hearts.

And then we try so hard to remove that person from our hearts because we "know" he/she doesn't belong there anymore.

It feels impossible to get them out of our hearts.

Why?

Because, at that time, it IS impossible.

I think there's really no reason to totally remove someone who was once special to you from your heart.

I think they can keep their place their while we move on.

And I really think that while we're busy taking care of ourselves and moving on, they will get smaller and smaller.

The hole they left will get smaller and smaller with them as it heals.

And eventually, that time in our lives will become mostly happy memories of someone we once shared a special time with.

I don't at all believe this is easy or that it comes quickly. We need time to heal properly and we need time to go through as many stages of loss that we require.

But I do believe it will happen.

Some people think the best way to get over someone is to find someone new. I disagree.

I think the best way to get over someone is to work on ourselves. Own the mistakes we made and own our responsiblity and work to fix it.

Work on loving ourselves in ways we didn't before.

Work on taking care of US.

As that happens, we will grow and we will then be ready for that someone new.

Finding a man or a woman to "rebound" with can certainly cover up pain, but it cannot fix what was wrong the first time. Only we can fix what was wrong the first time.

And as we heal and as that hole gets smaller and as we grow from our past...we will be more and more ready and open for that right person who sparks absolutely everything in us.

And if you're looking for icing on the cake: While that's happening, that old flame that meant so much...well...he or she will become nothing more than a happy memory of a time in the past.

I hope this resonates with some of you. I hope that your holidays were fabulous. I hope you all feel as blessed as I do today.

I wish for each of you days filled with love and compassion and happiness.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Adventure Coming Soon!!

2010-12-08T17:45:00.003-06:00

I posted the following on Rori's blog and wanted to save it here as well:

"You ladies want to hear a fun game J and I are playing this weekend? If not, don’t read cuz I’m going to post about it anyway.

We’re going to Florida on Friday and coming home on Sunday. We decided we’re not going to book a hotel room. Plan A (his plan) was to spend the weekend in the airport (just to say we did). Since I had the presense of mind to think we might get in trouble for that (or at least flagged as a potential risk and questioned by TSA), I suggested we switch it up just a bit and go for plan B:

We agreed that when we get to the airport, we’ll take the first free hotel shuttle we see. When we get to the hotel, we’ll see if they have rooms. If they do, we’ll stay. If they don’t, we’ll see if there is another hotel within walking distance of where we are and if so, we’ll go there. If not…we’ll cab it back to the airport and take the next free shuttle. The plan is to meet as many strangers/bus drivers/cab drivers as we can and to make each of them smile.

If we get a hotel room on the first try (which we probably will) then we’ll go for meeting people in the closest restaurant/bar to the hotel. Sounds like fun to me!!! I’m soooo excited! I absolutely LOVE adventure and Southwest airlines with their $59 plane tickets have given us adventure in four different cities now! (ummm…but this is the first time we’re trying it without a hotel in mind…lol)"

Of course we could end up sleeping on a park bench...

What about my readers?

Do you like adventure?

Do you go on adventures? If so, when was the last time?

Alone or with someone else?

I'd love to hear your stories and I'll be sure to come back and write about our newest adventure and how it feels or what it's like to go to a strange city with no plan in mind...

Much Love,
Mercedes

Have You Heard This Saying?

2010-11-04T09:12:00.003-05:00

Have you ever heard the saying

"A woman marries a man hoping he will change and he never does. A man marries a woman hoping she will never change and she always does."

I wonder just how true that is.

When I married my now ex-husband I don't think I consciously wanted him to change and I would have absolutely denied I was trying to change him, but...there were things that I thougt would improve after we were married and finally living together.

Was that hoping he would change?

Probably.

And does it play into ME changing when he was hoping I never would?

Probably.

My best advice for not marrying a man you want to change is to think about this:

Do you love him EXACTLY the way he is right now? Is there anything you would want to be different? Do you long for more affection, better Christmas gifts, more romance? If so, really, really come to terms with what matters most to you and really look deep inside yourself. Find those things you absolutely cannot live the rest of your life without and find those things you can admit that if you never had them again, you'd be just fine and make certain you are with a man who fits that criteria.

Now, I don't propose every woman leave her man right now if he sucks at gift giving but for those of you ladies who need large or expensive or thoughtful or whatever gifts and you're with a man who isn't quite that skilled at finding those gifts, well, just understand he's not going to get better at it.

Should you leave your man if he doesn't kiss you in public as often as you would like? Not necessarily, just understand he's not going to one day start doing it.

In other words, know what you NEVER need again and be with a man who gives you those things you could never life without and you will not find yourself hoping your man will change.

And what about us? What can we do to keep from changing away from the woman he fell in love with and into someone he wasn't expecting?

Well, I've said most of this before, but it bears repeating. If we want to remain the woman he fell in love with, then we need to...ummm....remain the woman he fell in love with. What were you like, what were you doing when he fell in love with you?

Here's what I think you were like (and can be again if you've started to change):

1. A woman who has girlfriends and does not drag her man to those functions where the girls are getting together (he doesn't have to watch every chick flick that comes out does he?).

2. A very secure woman. Were you always so afraid he was going to leave you because some other woman was in the room? I'm guessing not. Lose the insecurities. Men are crazy attracted to women who know they're the right person (regardless of anyone or anything else) for the man whos arm they hold.

3. Someone who didn't nag at him...ever. He fell in love with you before you moved in right? And before you moved in, did you nag about taking out the trash?

4. A woman with a sense of humor. Were you always so negative or did you used to make him laugh?

5. A woman with a purpose. Remember those dreams you shared with him? Remember those goals? Where did they go?

6. A woman with a schedule that sometimes involved some alone time (or time away with the girls). When was the last time you couldn't hang with your guy because...well...your own life was getting in the way? Some of that never hurt anyone.

7. A woman who took care of herself and wouldn't dream of letting herself go. Remember dieting like crazy to fit into that wedding dress? Or having pride in what you were wearing when you went on a date? Are you now a baggy robe and house slippers kind of girl?

8. An emotionally stable woman. Men fall in love when we aren't crying or yelling at them all the time. Somehow, later in relationships, we ladies tend to get all emotional where before we were all together. Maybe we cry or yell because we want him to change and we're frustrated that he isn't? Maybe we cry or yell because we've changed. In any case, all that drama isn't what he loves.

9. A woman who appreciated him...and told him so! He still pays for dates just like he always did? Do you still thank him and tell him how much you appreciate that?

10. A woman who fed his ego just a little bit. Do you remember thinking he was the best thing that could ever happen to a woman and you felt so blessed because you couldn't believe he would choose to be with someone like you? Do you remember treating him like (and telling him) he could be anything...up to and including President of the United States if he set his heart on it? He loved it.

I don't know if we really change. I don't know if we really want our men to change. I don't know if marriage does it or if it can happen in any long term relationship just as easily. I don't know if we're right when we say "I never changed, I just kept growing." or "I didn't change. I just finally became the person I should have been all along."

But I do know that each and every one of us can hold on to that love and those sparks we felt when we were first dating our loves...

we just have to be consciously aware of how to make that happen.

I hope all of you are well and in love today...

Much Love,
Mercedes

MY New Year's Resolution Update

2010-10-17T17:27:00.002-05:00

It hasn't been long, but I thought I'd keep myself in check by giving a little update on the resolutions I made for my own new year...

1. Go Greener. - Not great, but getting better all the time...

2. Do something new and different every week. - Uh...fail...but I'll keep working on it and I have done some.

3. Once a month I will say “Yes” to something I would normally say “No” to. - Nobody's asking...

4. Put X number of $’s in my savings account - SUCCESS!! But I plan to keep going!

5. Take the World Food Tour in Houston. - Added Greek but not so hot on this one.

6. Spend at least 4 glorious weekends away with my love. One down 3 to go!

7. Kiss in the rain at least once. - Where did the rain go? We've done a lot of kissing but not once in the rain.

8. Cook something that seems too hard to cook. - Still working on this one...or procrastinating - however you want to look at it.

9. Write for enjoyment (not on the blog). - Fail!

10. Write more blog articles than in years past. - Working on it!

11. Get back on Body for Life and don’t totally stop once the 12 weeks are up. - I've been pretty good but certainly not Body For Life dedicated.

Well...not too bad and there's still a lot of time in MY year. Maybe I'll do an update in January when everyone else is doing their own resolutions and we'll see how I've done.

Hope all is well with each of you and whatever your goals or dreams or resolutions are that they're at the front of you mind all the time.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Still So Incredibly Triggered by all of This!!!

2010-10-14T21:57:00.000-05:00

I really, really needed help with the triggering of the whole “who cares about her” words I heard on the other blog and I emailed a friend…a very good friend who always tries to help me put things into perspective and who always has a great perspective of her own. Below are the words I used in my email. I’m posting them here for three reasons:

1. I needed to still vent and process through this and my blog is where I do that now.
2. Hardly anybody reads here anymore so I doubt I will trigger very many people by what I say.
3. The woman who’s words baffle me so much DOES sometimes read here and although I am taking a break from the other blog, I felt bad about basically talking behind her back so I’m posting it with the knowledge that she will now know exactly what I said and how I feel. I’m not sure why I care about her feelings of me talking behind her back but I do. Based on her words about others, I don’t THINK I should feel bad for doing anything to her at all, but I do…and I can’t understand, even when I know I’m in contact with someone who hurts others, I still can’t bring myself to not care about them. I just can’t. What’s different about me?

My emails:

Why are these women on Rori's blog like this? How can they totally and completely discount the feelings of other women? I don't get it. Especially . She was slobbering crying all over the blog when she was cheated on but now it's perfectly fine for her to do it to another woman. I know...she hasn't slept with him yet, but she's feeling smug and powerful for doing what she's doing??? How can that happen?? I really, really never thought that someone who felt that kind of pain could ever even imagine doing something similar to someone else. And everyone just saying this other woman doesn't matter??? I get that her relationship isn't right and that the guy does take most of the blame, but as women, how are we so okay with it. actually said the words "you're welcome other woman"...wow!

I feel about it this way: When I was a child, I was sexually and physically abused for a very long time. That experience made me who I am today...but I would NEVER say it was okay to do this to another child because it will make them stronger. Yet...being cheated on makes who she is today so she's saying it's a good thing to do to someone else?? WTF?!?

Anyway...obviously I'm very, very triggered by all of this "Who cares about the other woman?" attitude. They're so fake! They will sure as hell pretend to care about her if she shows up on Rori's blog.

Grrr...maybe I'm really one of the very few women there with an "empathy" gene.

I don't know...I think a woman who can feel pain deep in her heart and still turn around a do the same thing to someone else (or even POTENTIALLY do the same thing to someone else) is missing something. An empathy gene maybe? An ability to understand that she's not the only one who feels pain? How can someone (a LOT of people) care so little about other's?

In any case, it really, really is time for me to take a break. I will feel triggered by pretty much everything , and say for a long time, so rather than engaging them in petty arguments every time I get triggered (which I would probably do) I need to step back. Unsubscribed from the thread and taking some time.

Breathe...yes...breathe...

Just feels like they're showing their true colors. I hope I'm wrong, but the "sorority" feeling gets stronger and stronger and I wonder...if this woman showed up on the blog crying about how she found out her boyfriend was flirting with another girl online and that she knew the other girl new about her as well...hmmm...would be supportive of her or continue to flirt with the guy?

Do We Really Care About Others or Are We Too Selfish for That?

2010-10-14T21:42:00.002-05:00

I’ve been watching footage of the miner’s in Chile being rescued and film shots from around the world show people moved to tears watching the rescue. It seems everyone has a heart that goes out to these miners, their families, their friends and their country.

Yet, I hear people on the internet (and specifically very recent conversations with people regarding cheating) who say if you sleep with someone else’s boyfriend/husband/significant other, you bear no responsibility for that nor should you concern yourself with the woman’s feelings because you might just being doing her a favor.

Are we really so selfish that we can’t bring ourselves to think of the feelings of another woman before we sleep with her boyfriend/husband/significant other behind her back?

I agree, he’s an ass if he does this to her.

A true ass.

But what about the women who are willing participants in it?

It’s not our obligation to be concerned morally about other women?

It’s not our responsibility to care for what she might be feeling?

This is all the guy’s fault and we were just taking care of our own feelings and should feel nothing for her?

Really?

Okay…so a lot of people feel that way…

Then…why are we so concerned about the miners in Chile?

Why do we cry when we see them hug their wives and lovers and children and mothers?

Why do we care how those loved ones were feeling while they waited…hoping for a miracle?

We don’t even know those people.

Is it because we don’t really care, we’re just pretending?

Is it because those people never affected us?

Can we only care because we don’t feel any better in our own lives by them being down there?

Why is the story of the wife and lover both missing their man so heartbreaking? Why are we not just rooting for the lover? Is there no compassion for the wife who discovered her husband was cheating like this? Do we not care about her?

If there was a woman down there and we were able to sleep with her husband while she waited to get out would we then have wanted her to stay there a little longer?

I’m beginning to believe humanity (at least the average blogger type of humanity) is able to feel concern and empathy for others ONLY as long as it doesn’t affect their own personal pleasure…but the second taking into consideration someone else stop’s us from getting laid…well…empathy out the window.

Help me ladies and gentlemen!

Are there still good people out there?

Are there still people who think of others and take the feelings of other’s into consideration before they act?

As humans, are we really, truly just out for out own pleasure at the cost of anyone else?

Really?

If you’re someone who cares…always…about how your actions affect the lives of others and you behave in a way that ensures you are not hurting anyone, please…comment…because I need a little assurance that morals and values really do still exist where mankind is concerned and that the little emotion God created to help us be aware of how our actions affect the lives and feelings of others (called guilt) still exists and is still being paid attention to.

Much Love,
Mercedes

I Love...

2010-10-10T18:00:00.006-05:00

My family
My boyfriend
Warm rain
Spas
Breezy summer days
My fluffy robe
My dog (most of the time)
A good red wine
Coffee in the morning
Tea at night
Sweatshirts
Dresses
Humming birds in the yard
Palm trees
Creating something yummy in the kitchen
Going out to eat when I don't want to create anything yummy in the kitchen
Good friends
Cups of coffee and girl talk with good friends
Flowers
Romance
Weekends away
Weekends at hom
Weekends
Writing
Reading
Learning
Shoes
Bling
Taking pictures
Art gallery shows
Festivals
Theater
Dancing
Music
Journaling
Yoga
Meditation
Fire places
Warm blankets
Soft pillows
Fluffy white clouds
Pedicures
Laughter
Baby giggles
Children
How children look when they sleep
How children look when they are sleepy
Church
Shopping
Convertibles
How I look in orange
How I feel when I get all dressed up
Going to sleep with the man I love
Waking up with the man I love
Long hot showers
Long hot bubble baths
Mimosas in the pool
Pizza
College football
Hugs
Kissing
Lazy Sundays
Friday nights
Throwing dinner parties
Book stores
Coffee shops
Framed snapshots
Framed pictures my children drew
Giving gifts
Cards
Christmas
The entire Christmas season
Hottubs outside when it's snowing
Love
Being in love
Being loved

What about you?

Much Love,
Mercedes

A Brand New DIAMOND Ring!!!

2010-10-09T18:01:00.002-05:00

I have a BEAUTIFUL brand new diamond ring! I'm soooo excited!!!

Before you all get excited with me (although I hope you still will), I need to explain...I bought it myself!

I've been on a quest for true independence for quite some time now. Not that I don't love J...I do...very much...and I don't want to be independent from him at all.

But...I've been free from marriage for a long time now and yet, I never really felt independent. At least not in the sense I wanted to feel it.

So this year, I bought my dream car...not a car picked out and paid for by a man, but one I picked out and paid for by myself.

And I promised myself I would buy myself a diamond ring to wear on my right hand as a sign of my own independence...an independence made all the more whole by a man who loves me very much.

Today, after lots of saving and waiting, I picked out my ring! It is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! The only thing I hate about it is that I had to get it sized for my tiny fingers so I can't pick it up until Thursday. :-(

But I'm so happy. This was after a lot of hard work and several financial setbacks.

But I did it!

J didn't go with me to pick it out. He has no idea what kind of ring I had in mind (except for the diamond part...I can't help it...they are certainly THIS girl's best friend!) and he didn't contribute an opinion or money or anything at all...

And he's really, really happy for me.

I feel very blessed to have a man who understands my need for things like this and who celebrates those needs with me. His text when I told him I picked it out?

"Congratulations Baby! You deserve this! I can't wait to see it!"

I love him.

I love him very, very much!

And I'm excited for Thursday to get here! :-)

Hope each and every one of you are having the most amazing weekend!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Meeting People Online??

2010-10-05T20:48:00.004-05:00

Sometimes I have a real difficulty relating to people on the internet. The words I use don’t come out right and the smiley faces seem less than authentic and the “voice” is misinterpreted and the “tone” is taken in a way I don’t mean it to be.

I never have this trouble with anyone who has ever met me in person, but I almost
always (not always, but almost always) have this problem with people who only know me from being online.

People online “see” me in one specific way or another and unless I talk to them on the phone or meet them in person, that perception of me…well…no matter what I say or do…tends to hold fast.

On rare occasions, I can manage to turn it around.

But most of the time, the way people “see” or “hear” me online is the way they always see or hear me.

Even when I do manage to turn it around, usually that person has to continue to fight to see me the way they saw me in the moment…but their instinct is to go back to that first impression of me (the negative one).

I’ve been feeling it more and more lately which is why a lot of you are seeing me reach out to others when I know I’m going to be in their area and inviting them to meet me or to have coffee.

Or some of you have, yourselves received personal requests to meet in person if I’m ever in your area.

I also send those invites to many of you who I’ve met online and developed great relationships with.

And some of you haven’t yet “discussed” this with me but if I’m ever in your area (and I know how to find you) I’ll be offering a free soda or coffee.

Lately, I’ve felt a stronger and stronger pull to meet people in person…to get to now them as they ARE rather than how they SEEM online…to introduce them to the “real” me…to talk to them with voices and eye contact rather than typed words and emoticons.

I wonder how the rest of the world feels.

Are you content with your internet relationships or do you feel a “pull” to meet people in person?

Have you made good friends online that you don’t have the desire to meet in person?

Does it feel dangerous to open yourself up to those you only know online?

Do you even think about that stuff?

Do you worry about the opposite of me? (I want to meet people in person because I believe they will like me MORE…do any of you resist meeting in person because you believe they will like you LESS?)

Hmmmm….

As humans…I wonder…

Are we supposed to be content with keeping in touch or getting in touch or meeting friends exclusively online?

Or…like me…do we all eventually feel a draw to meet in person?

What do you think?

Camping in the Back Yard

2010-10-03T13:49:00.004-05:00

Last night, J and I, on a whim, decided to go camping. It was WAY too late to pack things up and find a place and get food and firewood, etc...

So we decided the back yard would be the perfect spot.

The weather was beautiful and we could see all the stars and we have never been camping together (because my idea of camping is when the coffee pot in the hotel room isn't workng...)...so we decided to make ourselves a bed of blankets, leave the dog out all night, get naked and crawl into our makeshift bed (we have a VERY private back yard by the way...) and spend the night outside.

At first, it was great.

J said "See...you can do this camping thing." to which I replied "yes...being this close to a bathroom and coffee pot makes camping MUCH more my style than I thought it would be!"

After a very, very short time the dog was so excited to see us out there that it became what you might consider impossible to relax!

Khane is 70lbs of solid muscle and it was his first opportunity to lay on us and try to crawl in between us and paw my hair and lick our faces and...

Well...

Just plain be a pain in the butt!

So...he had to go back inside.

He cried.

He got over it and fell asleep.

At one point, J said to me "What woman would do something like this with me?"

I said "Any woman in her right mind, but I feel so blessed to be the one invited."

And I...well...I got to spend a lovely night all wrapped up in the arms of my love, with nature, under the stars...

I hope your evening was just as amazingly wonderful as mine was.

Much Love,
Mercedes

My Writings From Another Blog

2010-09-01T18:30:00.003-05:00

I've spent too much time writing on another blog lately and have mistakenly put some of my deepest feelings and/or emotion on that blog. There's a LOT to sort through but you can find it all here OR...you can check below for some of my favorites:

Comment #1:
I wouldn't recommend this to everyone, but because I am who I am and I have a LOT of trouble holding back when I want to speak out, I did something this weekend that brought J and I closer together than we have been all summer.

I told him EVERYTHING.

No joke. I had been feeling lonely sometimes with him and we would talk about that and we would have a great date (like the one I posted about last week) and then nothing would change and I'd tell him a little more and we'd do something fun and nothing would change...etc, etc, etc.

So...this weekend...I took the damn filters off. I stopped trying to figure out what to tell him, how much was too much, how much was just me nagging, how much was my stuff that had nothing to do with him, how much was simply emotional hormones, how much was...whatever...

I took all those filters off and we talked. All weekend. I cried...I laughed...I was serious...I was funny. It didn't matter. I let it all go (even the "little" things that had been bothering me). I told him about things that I decided not to share with him because it was "my stuff" and there wasn't anything he could do anyway. I told him my plan for fixing all of this (which he was supportive of but disagreed with - thought it was unnecessary). I used a few feeling messages. I used a lot of examples. And, without filtering anything...I also tried not to "nag" or blame him. (and sometimes I blamed him anyway).

He told me he was feeling much the same way but he didn't know it because he wasn't paying attention to his feelings...he told me he wasn't taking it as blame because I was able to tell him "this is how I feel and this is what I'm going to do about it." and I wasn't asking him to change...I was just telling him what I was going to do to change myself.

And we had the most amazing weekend. This was more open, honest and complete communication than we've had all summer. We ended up not wanting all of this to end (a lot of the conversation was in the car while driving to a town over two hours away for lunch...and over lunch in that town) and so we left there and drove to Corpus Christi on a whim (with no luggage or anything...stopped at a Walgreens for tooth brushes and a sundress for me to wear home) and spent the night in a hotel with a balcony overlooking the water.

All of this because I stopped trying to hold back that part of me that is direct and honest and "out there" and "loud"...and instead, I was my true self. I was the self that stopped thinking "I MUST use only feeling messages to bring my man closer when I'm upset" and started thinking "I love how feeling messages work for me sometimes and I will use them, but I also love how being me and being direct and telling J what I THINK...I love the effect that has on him as well - because think about it...J fell in love with me before feeling messages, he's loved me all this time without hearing too many of them, and he still loves me.

What if he just misses that girl who tells it like it is? What if he's a bit jealous because on my blog and elsewhere on the internet everyone gets to see me (the real me...lashing out and all) when I disagree with something or when I'm angry about something...and he gets to see the "new" me who has learned so much about relationships. Maybe he was ready for the real me...the one he fell in love with...to tell him EXACTLY how I was feeling, what I was thinking and what I was going to do about it. Maybe he missed me as much as I've missed him. This summer was hard for us. The weekend helped bring us back.

If I may add a little advice for everyone here...

Don't forget to be YOU....don't be afraid to lean forward once in a while and start the conversation...don't be afraid to tell it like it is...don't be afraid to let what you've learned here ENHANCE you...but please...please....no matter what any coach ever teaches you...don't be afraid to still be YOU.

I forgot that this summer and had been trying to filter myself based on everything I've learned about men. What that did was help me to consistently tell him about my negative feelings. I would be upset about 10 things. And this week, I would tell him about one. Next week another. The next week another...all so I wouldn't be that nagging b*tch no girl wants to be. What was the effect? I was nagging about one thing or another week after week. So...I took the filters off and used a combination of everything I've learned with everything I already am...

And J and I fell even deeper in love and we talked more intimately than we have since probably April or May and we stopped taking each other for granted and we stopped hiding pieces of ourselves that are upset...and we had the BEST weekend! It was beautiful and I have no regrets.

From here forward, I will not let a whole bunch of little things build up inside of me and I will be honest with him sooner (after I process it internally...I'm not planning on lashing out every time something makes me sad or angry...lol) and I will use feeling messages ONLY when they feel absolutely right and I will NOT use them because I know they "work" and I will NOT stop using them because they irritate me sometimes and I will NEVER again try to change who I am so I can relate to him better.

I GOT this relationship thing...I will continue to learn every single day...but

I GOT this! I will NOT let stuff build up while I try to figure out which pieces are "right" to share with him and which are not. I will re-commit to talking to him when I first feel off and not try to hide within myself until I figure out if it's about HIM or about ME. He loves me...I will trust that and I will share with him in my own voice...mine...the one he loves.

I know how to bring my man closer and when we have times where we are more distant than others (and we will) I'm going to use what I know...what is instinct for me...what has worked every time...and I'm going to continue to take what works for me and use it and toss what doesn't...because trying to do things exactly the way someone else tells me to...just doesn't work for me.

Much Love,
Mercedes

**PS: For those of you who are totally confused, “feeling messages” are a way of speaking to men (and women) and something that can have a very powerful effect. I learned the concept from Rori…you will find a link to her blog over on the right side of mine. She’s wonderful.

Free Form about hearbreak, healing and what it can do for you:
Did you ever feel such a longing?
A “missing” of someone you love?
Did you ever want to reach out and touch him?
And he’s right there?
And you know you can’t?

Did you ever long to hold him?
Did you almost touch his back?
But pull your hand away…
Because he’s sleeping…
And once again his back is the only thing facing you?

Did you ever know you’re losing?
And want so much to win?
But you can’t even see the finish line…
And you know…
It must not be meant to be?

Did you ever go for a swim…
To wash away the tears?
And soon you start to smile
Because without the tears and yet with all the water…
You can’t figure out where the hurt went?

Did you ever start to laugh…
Because you never before noticed how blue the water was?
Did you ever notice the breeze
When for so long you felt suffocated?
Did you ever keep the smile because the pain was now so small?

Did you ever finally turn your own back…
And see what was behind you?
Did you ever notice the beauty and peace you’d never seen?
Did you ever decide not to look back again…
And instead move forward anew?

Did you ever fight through heartbreak…
Only to discover perfection?

This is how the man who knows me intimately treats me:

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.” ~ Anais Nin

Is that for everyone? Certainly not. But for me, it is the greatest gift. The man who
knows all of that about me and loves me, not in spite of it, but because of it and who helps nourish it and who challenges it and pushes it to the limits….and then makes love to me…that man…is the man who has created such a strong intimate relationship outside of the bedroom that the one inside of the bedroom is more passionate, fulfilling, tender, loving, wild, sexy and sensual than anything I ever
dreamed possible. But that intimacy inside the bedroom didn’t come close until we
bonded…fully clothed…holding each other and dreaming about life.

He is absolutely the right man for me…absolutely…

Live Life...Don't Just Exist

2010-08-25T18:45:00.002-05:00

After my post on New Year’s resolutions, I got to thinking…aren’t those really actually just ways to get out there and LIVE LIFE instead of just EXISTING in it?

I love living life…and lately, I’ve been kind of existing in it rather than living in it.

I don’t mean I need to go out and do something exciting every night of the week, but I do mean I need something to make all this worth while.

Not all this blogging thing…you guys make that worth while…

I mean all this LIVING thing.

So I got to thinking…what are ways we can (me, you, your friends, neighbors, children, co-workers, etc) LIVE life?

Well, we can start by falling in love if we’re not already there.

If we are already there…we can fall in love all over again with that same person!

We can do everything on my New Year’s Resolution list!

We can also:

Go OUTSIDE! Shut off the television, shut off the video games and GO OUTSIDE! Feel the sun and the wind and even the rain (don’t forget to kiss while you’re feeling the rain).

Create a morning ritual that has nothing to do with getting ready for work. Maybe get up a little earlier and go outside to watch the sun come up. Maybe play a specific song that gets you pumped for the day…maybe…I don’t know…

Take Chances. I don’t know when the last time was I took a risk, but this is one I’m ready to try again!

Find some excitement. When something gets your adrenaline pumping…why not go for it! If you see something that looks totally crazy and FUN, why not join in?

Travel. If I could afford it more, this is how I would live life! As it stands, I do it as often as I am financially (and vacation permitting) able.

Exercise. I know for me, I have more zest and ambition to live that life when I’m pumped from a good workout!

Be positive. What about that for living life? Huh? No matter what happens, look for the cheery in it? That would be cool! (But sometimes I just need to vent…).

Face your fears. I did this once. Okay, maybe more than once. But once I was incredibly afraid of public speaking. I forced myself to give a presentation in front
of about a thousand people (I’m not exaggerating the number here) at work. I was scared out of my mind! But…once I got through it without throwing up or tripping on stage or having my stomach growl through the microphone (yes…I was concerned about that…) I knew I could do it again. And I have. A lot.

Slow down. Well…doesn’t that say a lot…

Volunteer. This is another thing I’ve done a lot of and I must say…it changed my life. And yes…It helped me live.

Play with Children. Who has a better zest for life than children?

Talk to the elderly. Who knows more about living life than the elderly? Who can appreciate the need to do it more?

Learn. Anything.

Watch the sunset. Daily.

Break out from ruts. Maybe when we find ourselves doing the same thing over and over and over…and we’re dissatisfied with that…maybe we need to break out and do something else. 30 days is all it takes to create a whole new habit.

Lose control. I mean lose the need to control.

Throw a dinner party.

Host a wine tasting.

Meditate and / or pray.

Write.

Read.

My personal favorite...SWIM NAKED!

Maybe even make New Year’s Resolutions…

I mean, after all, why wait?

What about you? Ideas? How do you LIFE without simply EXISTING?

Much Love,
Mercedes

New Year’s Resolutions – Why Wait?

2010-08-21T10:29:00.002-05:00

I was thinking about New Year’s Resolutions today and I wanted to share my thoughts on that with anyone still reading here.

I’ve always hated New Year’s Resolutions. I actually haven’t really participated in them for a long time (except J and I had two we made together a few years ago. We stuck to them…but they were also two things that were bound to happen anyway so it was really no big deal) and I don’t know that I really will very seriously again either.

J and I quit smoking in December 2009 (before the New Year) just so our quit WOULDN’T be a New Year’s Resolution.

J suggested we have a New Year’s Resolution to start smoking again in 2011.

(We’re a touch tired of fighting it)

But I don’t know about that. We’ll have to see. LOL

I was actually wondering though…if there are things I want to change about my life, why wait? Why should I set New Year’s Resolutions on New Year’s? Why can’t tonight be New Year’s Eve (and I’m more than willing to celebrate hard to ring it in) and start my resolutions tomorrow?

Why should I conform?

So…here we go…

My Resolutions for MY New Year…

1. Go Greener. I’m doing a class on it at work in a couple of weeks. Why not participate a touch more in my personal life as well as at work? And why not participate more at work? (I’m a printing Queen…).

2. Do something new and different every week. I’ve already been working on this some (as you might have read), but can I keep it up? Can I do it WEEKLY? Maybe monthly is a better thought. We’ll see. (Ok…I’ll admit it. These aren’t really resolutions. These are more like “Suggestions for Mercedes to Have a Happy Life”)

3. Once a month I will say “Yes” to something I would normally say “No” to. Who knows…this could take care of number 2 for me as well.

4. Put X number of $’s in my savings account (I believe in the privacy of money matters, so I won’t share the specifics with you, but you can trust me to be honest about whether or not this happened).

5. Take the World Food Tour in Houston. I’ve started already. So far I’ve done American, Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, Pakistani, Indian, Mongolian, Portuguese, African and Italian. Next up is Lebanese and a Turkish restaurant I heard about…

6. Spend at least 4 glorious weekends away with my love. Doesn’t matter where…all that matters is we do not invite friends and we spend time together in a strange bed.

7. Kiss in the rain at least once. It rains here a lot. Why am I so reserved about getting out in it?

8. Cook something that seems too hard to cook. I’m thinking some of those Pakistani dishes seemed tough…

9. Write for enjoyment (not on the blog).

10. Write more blog articles than in years past.

11. Get back on Body for Life and don’t totally stop once the 12 weeks are up. This is sort of a canned “get in shape” resolution that just about everyone does, but Body for Life is my specific plan and…the gym is a lot less packed now than it is the beginning of January when “everyone” has a resolution to get fit…

Is that enough?

I think it probably is. Especially for someone who “doesn’t do” New Year’s Resolutions.

What about you? Do you make resolutions? Do you keep them? Do you even keep track of them? Do you need to wait? Do you know anything that should be added to this list?

Thoughts and ideas welcome!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Yoga in the Park with J

2010-08-18T21:01:00.000-05:00

So last night J and I went to Yoga in the park together. It was the first time he and I had been out together (just the two of us) in a long time…

It has been a long summer that had me behaving (as I said in an earlier post) like a domestic goddess and him…well…not exactly like a doting boyfriend.

Needless to say, I was VERY excited to have him join me. Neither of us has been very consistent with exercise this summer and we struggled though a lot of it, but we did enjoy and don’t have regrets about going.

Whew! (I had so much fun with it last week that I was hoping I would continue the love of it this week too).

Will J go with me again?

I have no idea…I hope so, but he isn’t quite as open to driving into the city after work just for a Yoga class as I am. I hope he goes, but either way, I don’t see me giving this up…

Anyway… that’s not what this particular post is all about…what I want to talk to you about is how much FUN this was for ME.

There was a point in the class (oh…and by the way…it is a combination of Yoga and Pilates with 90% of it being Yoga) where we did Laughter Pilates.

Yes…Laughter Pilates.

The instructor told us we were going to feel a little silly at first because we were going to have to force ourselves to laugh but soon it would be pure, simple laughter.

Picture this…because during Laughter Pilates, you are balancing on your butt (sit bone as she called it) with your feet off the ground and your hands stretched out to the sides…you must have that image in your head to really see what this was like…

Got it?

We’re balanced on our sit bones…

Then…she starts the fakest laugh I have ever heard in my life.

It sounded ridiculous!

I laughed (that pure, simple authentic laughter she was talking about) INSTANTLY.

She kept her fake stuff up.

I laughed harder!

I actually couldn’t stop laughing.

I looked over at J and he had tears rolling down his cheeks he was laughing so hard.

And balancing.

Ever try to balance on your sit bone while laughing your butt off?

It’s HARD…REALLY HARD.

And yet…it was so much fun…so pure and simple and authentic…so natural and real…

When it was over, we had trouble getting it back under control (although she did take us right into a calming meditation which was interesting…one minute after laughing our butts off, the whole place is silently meditating…interesting) but it felt SO good to laugh like that…

Real belly laughter…

With about a hundred or so other people…

And honestly…it was probably the BEST ab workout I have ever had in my life.

My guess is…it worked some additional happiness into my heart as well.

I know for me…I hope she does that one with us again next week!

Personally…I’d love to see a class where Laughter Pilates was constant for at least a half hour…oh the six pack we could create…

Has anyone here ever done Laughter Pilates? I’d love to hear your experience with it.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Eat, Pray, Love & Meditation

2010-08-17T21:13:00.001-05:00

The book/movie Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert (played by Julia Roberts in the movie) seems to be everywhere these days! I think someone is trying to tell me I need to read it (I won’t watch the movie until after I’ve read the book).

I’ve seen people reading this book in the park, talking about it on blogs, reading/discussing it at work and even referencing it in fitness articles.

So…I felt compelled to do a little research to see what it was all about and would like to comment on the piece of Gilbert’s life that centered around meditation.

Meditation has been (and still is) a very large part of my life and quieting my mind for meditation has been (and still is) the greatest challenge for me during meditation. I believe in the importance and with every attempt, I seem to get a little better, but I believe I will always be a work in progress on this part.

However, I do strive to feel balanced and so I continue to practice and, who knows, maybe one day I will be a pro.

Or will at least be better…

In any case, from a work in progress meditation student…here are the steps I use to get the most out of my sessions. Whether those sessions be five minutes or an hour, whether I’m doing it alone or with others in a yoga class or whether I’m actually focused today or I’m just pretending…

First of all, I find a comfortable place to sit (usually on a yoga mat) with either my eyes closed or focused on a specific peaceful focal point.

Next…I inhale very slowly (3 to 5 seconds) through my nose. My focus is on my breath…following it all the way through my nose and down as far as it goes.

Then I pause and being to exhale very, very slowly with the same level of focus as the inhale and I “watch” or visualize my anxieties floating with every exhale. Slowly sending them on their way.

**Yes…there is a temptation to breath faster to get them out of me faster, but slow and easy is the key…

I continue this for several minutes.

When my mind wanders (and it always does), I gently acknowledge the thought and I refocus on my breathing. As soon as the thought comes in, I give it a nod and bring my mind back to watching myself breathe out all of the problems of the day.

Once my breathing feels natural and I have exhaled the anxieties and have begun to feel the peaceful feelings of relaxation, I allow my mind to take me to a beautiful place (my place in on a quiet beach…yours can be wherever you feel most quieted). My place is filled with love and tenderness. I live in that place in my mind for as long as I can, feeling the breeze, listening to the ocean and the birds, feeling the warmth, swaying softly.

When my mind wanders, I acknowledge the thought with a nod and refocus my breathing before I go back to my place.

And live there for as long as I can.

A few notes:

- Some people find themselves concerned about time or how much time they’ve spent in their meditative state (worrying about what else they need to do and why they can’t meditate too long, etc). If this is you, you might try setting an alarm for the time when you need to stop. This way, you can trust the alarm to let you know when time is up.

- Always sit (never lay down) while meditating because you might fall asleep. And yes, although we do breath deeply and peacefully while asleep, it does not have the same emotional or physical benefits of meditation.

- I like to journal immediately after a meditation session. It helps me to journal from a place of balance, stillness and love. You might try this too. Some of the best journal entries I have follow some of the best meditation sessions I’ve had. You might also try to journal before and after meditation…it is a beautiful way to fully see the benefits of what those few minutes have done to your state of mind.

Tell me…

Do you meditate? Do you have techniques for making your sessions better and better all the time? Do you have ideas for me on how to continue to improve my own sessions?

I would love more than anything to hear your happy experiences!

Much Love,
Mercedes

PS: Yoga in the park with J tonight was absolutely fabulous!

So...the Farmer's Market Was a Bust...

2010-08-15T22:30:00.003-05:00

Well...the farmer's market wasn't what I had hoped it would be...but...I guess we could still call it an adventure.

We drove downtown and because J "knows how to get there quicker than I do" we went his way. Then, when we were coming at the park from the opposite direction of where I usually go he asks "Okay...so where is it?"

Ummm...I have no idea...

Eventually, we found the park found a parking spot (not easily done...) and got out of the car into temperatures that were rivaling anything hell could have possibly thrown us. By the time we set off into the park (meaning 20 steps into the park) I was ready to make the most of the many fountains scattered about. Lots of children were busy getting soaked an it looked so very welcoming.

Unfortunatly...I had white linen pants on...

So we walked past the fountains and found the farmer's market.

All 6 vendors.

yes...6...

We didn't want anything we saw and we didn't purchase anything but we did listen to a man explain to us why grass fed beef is so much better than corn fed beef.

Ummm...excuse me?

I'm sort of from the midwest...

Anyway...we left there and found a cute little pub with the slogan "Somewhere between sushi and soul food".

Their building is between a sushi restaurant and a soul food restaurant.

We shared a hot dog and a bucket of corona...

Talk about hitting the spot!

Spent the rest of the day eating and watching movies at home with J...and now I'm posting to you because he simply HAS to get to chapter 8 on whatever the video game is he's so interested in right now...LOL

And...as soon as he accomplishes that, we're off to bed...

Take care everyone...sweet dreams...enjoy as much as I am! I wish happiness, peace and love to each and every one of you!

No adventure planned for tomorrow...if one happens, it will be of the best kind...those spontaneous, out of the blue, how the heck did this happen kind...Ohh...I wish for that.

If it happens, I'll be sure to let you know!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Changing it up a Little...

2010-08-14T23:42:00.002-05:00

I've made a decision tonight to change the blog up just a little. It will now focus less on advice and more as a personal guide (well...as personal as a public blog can be) for anyone who wants to read about my own journey. I'm still open to emails and will still do what I can to help if you post as a comment as well, but...I'm ready to take a break from advice and ready to have a public journal of sorts.

This will be a journal of my journey. It will still have lots of advice I'm sure, but you may have to dig a little deeper to find it. You may have to read between the lines to see how what I'm doing can help you to REALLY hold on to the man of your dreams.

I hope this change suits me as much as I think it will. We'll see...

I also hope all of you stick around to see if you like it.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Satisfying My Restlessness One Adventure at a Time

2010-08-14T17:53:00.002-05:00

This summer has been super, super crazy!

I've been extremely busy at work. J has been extremely patient with me.

We both had our kids here all summer. Each of us had one for the entire summer and each of us had the rest coming and going as their schedules permitted.

We've had LOTS of company too.

Guess what all that did for me?

Ummm...it turned me into some kind of a domestic goddess!! Ugh!

Anyone who knows me knows that's not AT ALL what I want for my life! LOL

So...I'm restless!

Busy...yes....but still...

So I'm going on adventures. As often as I can, I'm going to get out of the house, do something different (or the same if I love it) and cure my restless syndrome.

Last week I went on a road trip just enjoying the city I live in. Driving and seeing everyone and everything with fresh eyes.

I also went to yoga in the park. That was cool! Or...ummm...hot...it was over 100 degrees when I did it...

The next day I went to Zumba in the park. That...yeah..ummm...it was HOT!

But still fun!

Today is lazy internet day...

Tomorrow I'm going to hit at least one farmer's market. I haven't been to a single one since I moved to Texas! How crazy is that!?! So tomorrow...I'm going.

Then what?

I don't know. Whatever. Something...anything...

I'm setting out to ruin my domestic goddess reputation and get back to being a lot less "wifey" and a lot MORE "girlfriendy". J, of course, is invited along for the ride (he did the exploration road trip, he was out of town for yoga and zumba but says he wants to go to both of those next time and he's going on the farmer's market trip tomorrow) but even if he's busy, I'm going it alone. I need to do this for ME and I'm totally EXCITED ABOUT IT!

I'm going free or cheap with every adventure (because I refuse to go broke looking for a restlessness cure...) but having fun no matter what! (or at least making the most of it...think zumba at 105 degrees...I made the most of it...).

Anyone have thoughts or ideas?

How do you adventure on a budget?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Does Taking Responsiblity for Your Own Happiness Make You Unbearable?

2010-08-10T22:03:00.003-05:00

Everyone, I have missed you soooo much! Life has been crazy busy for several months now and I’m tired, but maybe things are looking up where my time is concerned. I know I have certainly missed writing.

While I was on my hiatus, Anonymous posted a comment to this article about the fact that I walk away when I’m angry or hurt or whatever:

Anonymous said...
To live with you under the constant threat of you leaving when things aren't going your way would be unbearable. That's not a relationship. That's business. What ever happened to facing the hard times together? No matter how far you run they (hard times) will follow.

I started to respond on that thread but my response got so long, I figured it would be better to create a post…sort of a “I think I might be able to write again and I’m BACK (for now)” kind of post.

So…here we go…

Anonymous: When I originally read your comment, I wasn’t quite sure what you were referring to. Then, I re-read my post and can kind of see where, because of the words I used, it would appear I am more inclined to run away than to stick it out and work through issues. I would like to clear that up now.

J isn’t responsible for my happiness…EVER. But…he IS responsible for his own behavior (meaning he’s responsible for not doing or saying hurtful things to me). I am responsible for my own reactions to his behavior. If/when he says or does something that hurts I am responsible for how I react to that. I can fight, I can yell, I can throw things at him, I can have a temper tantrum, I can cry, I can bottle it up until sooner or later it explodes out of me or I can walk away until I
am ready to discuss it calmly.

And, I can choose to walk away forever when it is a deal breaker for me (like cheating…I would not be able to forgive that again…I would have to walk away forever – and he knows this). In turn, J has his own boundaries and I am responsible for my behavior and he is responsible for his reactions when my behavior doesn’t match his expectations.

So, I personally take responsibility for my reactions and I go to a place where I can be calm so that when we do discuss the issue, I am in a centered place and not working off of instantaneous negative energy. J has his own ways of reacting which I won’t go into here (I’ll leave that for if he ever decides to blog about how to make a relationship work…).

But regardless…we are responsible for own how happiness, our own actions and our own reactions.

Now…that being said, of course, some people would consider living with me very unbearable. The same goes for me. I have seen relationships where the couple is VERY happy and centered and good and yet, I wouldn’t last five minutes in that type of relationship. That’s okay. Good even. What that means is that I have found the PERFECT man for ME! It means that not just anyone can put up with all this, not just anyone can understand me for the boundaries which I possess and CERTAINLY not everyone can love me, not in spite of but BECAUSE of, those boundaries.

Over the last several months, I have been incredibly busy with my day job. Sometimes, for weeks on end I would put in 16 or 18 hours per day. I have stressed and quite irritable. I have had to make sacrifices (VERY difficult ones). I have had to put off friends and family who needed me. Things have been difficult both personally and professionally.

Through it all, J has been right there, holding me, holding my hand, dealing with conversation via text message because I didn’t have time to talk, dealing with me coming home late and going to work early, dealing with…oh so much…

And through it all, he never stopped loving me. He never got angry. He has had more patience and offered me more love than any man should be expected to offer.

And you know what the key thing is?

He hasn’t been doing all of that because it’s expected or because I’m making him. He’s been doing it all because he can’t help it. Because with everything in him he is passionately and crazy in love with me. Because he supports me in everything I do and in everything I have to do even though I don’t want to. Because he can’t possibly
imagine walking out on me when times are tough and when I’m not easy to live with. Because he loves me. Simple. Pure. Honest. Undeniable. Love.

I have the incredible opportunity to receive a gift like that from a man
who is perfect for me. I am so incredibly blessed.

And I offer him the same. Always and without hesitation.

So yes…to some, it could be unbearable living with me. We hear it from others all the time. We hear that we are too goofy or that only the two of us would find a pirate festival on accident and stay anyway or that they don’t know anyone else who would hang at a Buddhist Festival (another accidental find) after discovering what it was or that we look like a couple of crazy people when we put the top down on
the car and dance with each other while driving or any number of other things we’ve managed to do in our lives together. We hear that we are too affectionate. We hear that we should be married. We hear that we are totally unrealistic when it comes to how life “really” is in relationships and that we’re headed for heartbreak when
this “honeymoon period” is over.

We hear it all.

We know that what we have certainly isn’t for everyone.

We might even venture to say that MOST people couldn’t deal with someone like me or someone like him.

And what that ends up saying to us both is that we are so fortunate that we met. That no matter what ever happens in this world we are blessed to have the perfect partner. That no matter how hard things get or how many times over the years I have to leave the room to calm myself so we can discuss the issue at hand, we have, what we both consider, the PERFECT person to share a life with.

So Anonymous, I hope this helps you understand where I was coming from when I wrote that post. I hope you can see that FOR ME, the best thing to do is walk away and center myself. And I hope you can take that for what it is…someone who handles things differently than you would expect but someone who handles them in a way their partner loves.

And for everyone reading this, I wish for each of you, that perfect love no matter how unfathomable it is for someone else.

I have missed you all so much. I don’t know if things have slowed down enough for me to be consistent with my writing again or not, but I have missed you. I think of you often. I hope you are all well.

Much Love,
Mercedes

2010-03-08T11:20:00.001-06:00

Sometimes I just want to wake up women and scream:

"SET YOUR BOUNDARIES AND STICK TO THEM!!!"

I've been gone for a time, but I do still keep up with reading various internet blogs and I see the same patterns over and over and over.

I see women who have no boundaries.

Or women who have LOTS of boundaries but have no idea how to stick to them when they are actually tested or crossed.

I see women who give in to whatever her man wants because she's so afraid of losing him she refuses to do or say anything that might send him packing.

I see women who put up with the most hateful and hurtful words from their men because they don't want to be alone.

I see woman who will do or say or take anything…just to keep one man in her life.

And yes…it makes me want to SCREAM!!!

Ladies….please….get your boundaries set and learn to stand by them.

Determine for yourself what you will and will not put up with.

Communicate those boundaries to your man (or new men you meet) and if he crosses one…be prepared to walk away.

It breaks my heart to hear a woman say:

"I would NEVER date a man who is married."

And then say:

"Well, he's not going to be married much longer. I can wait until he gets divorced because he loves me so much."

Or to hear another woman say:

"Cheating is a deal breaker for me. If I find out a man cheated in a past relationship I won't stick around because it is impossible for me to trust a man who has ever cheated."

And then ask me for advice on how to get over the fact that this man who means so much to her cheated on his ex and she can't seem to trust him now.

Or to hear someone say:

"I have a solid boundary that no man will ever call me hateful names because I've dealt with that in the past and I'm never going to allow myself to go through that again."

And then ask me how to make him stop calling her a bitch when he gets angry.

I don't have advice for these types of situations because….

My advice comes from a solid foundation of boundaries that are stuck to and not compromised.

If you have a boundary that says:

"I will tolerate zero substance abuse in my life."

And then you ask for advice on dealing with the fact that your man drinks too much and you want to know what to do because drinking too much is a "deal breaker" for you….

Then my advice has to be:

"Walk away."

Here's the thing ladies….

We all deserve happiness.
We all deserve to be treated well.
We all deserve to be cherished.
We all deserve to be loved.
We all deserve to be respected.

So when we set a boundary and we communicate that boundary to others, we deserve for that boundary to be respected for what it is….a BOUNDARY…not a "suggestion for how others can behave around me"….not a "guideline for how I want to be treated." But a boundary. A true, solid, "I will not put up with less" boundary.

Please….ladies…

And gentlemen too….

Strength….courage….respect for yourself…love for yourself…and passion for having the life you deserve is all you need to set your boundaries high….stick to them….

And yes….

Walk away from people who refuse to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Much Love,
Mercedes

**Note: Things are still very crazy for me, but….I'm trying to dig myself out of this hole I'm in at work (where I actually draw a paycheck) and get back into doing the "other" job I truly love…giving relationship advice (but which has yet to cover even the electric bill…lol).

I do miss you all…but I would feel so much better if I knew that while I was gone, you were all making a list of how you honestly and truly need to be treated in your life and that you are all sticking to that list like it will make you the happiest person alive…

Because it will….

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

I Miss You All!!!

2009-12-17T08:47:00.002-06:00

Hey there...I'm so sorry I've been away. I owe LOTS of you email responses and I owe ALL of you a new post, but...I can't right now...

Things are crazy in my life and I most likely won't be online for at least 4 or 5 more weeks.

I'm training a class of new hires at my work from 8:00 - 5:00 and then going home and doing my regular job at night...plus, sometimes I have to stay past 5:00 to work with them on areas where they are behind. So...all in all...I work from about 6:30am until around 11:30pm and as much as I can on the weekends.

When the class is over, I'll be back though so don't give up on me!! :o)

In addition to work, I could use some prayers or good vibes depending on whether you pray or vibe in your life:

1. J's daughter had a very serious surgery on Monday and another one on Tuesday due to complications from the first one. She's in ICU and will be for a couple more days but she's also recovering nicely. He and I are apart right now (because she lives in another state) and I miss him terribly and hope she gets well and he gets to come home soon.

2. My neice had two surgeries yesterday and is also recovering. This is the 29th surgery total for her...she's 10 years old and could just really use some good thoughts.

3. Because of the above, I'm lonely. My family is far away, J is far away and...I'm here at work pretending it's just a normal day. That's hard and I've done a lot of crying and well...just feeling very distant from everyone I love and...lonely is the best word I have to describe how I feel. Maybe numb is a better word. In any case...it's not good.

So...my life is crazy...I miss you all...and I promise...I'll be back as soon as I can!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Best Advice Ever!

2009-12-04T13:43:00.002-06:00

This blog is all about advice. We ask for advice, we give advice and we share advice with each other.

Sometimes, that advice comes in the form of tough love, sometimes compassion, sometimes empathy...

I do believe that on here, all advice given (whether taken and used or not) comes from the heart.

And speaking of advice that comes from the heart...

I've been following Naturally Nina's blog for some time now and I absolutely LOVE it! Nina is a beautiful soul who shares her life, her wedding plans, her love and her style with lots of fellow bloggers.

The other day, she chose to give us an intimate peak into her life by answering some questions from her followers.

One follower asked the question:

What advice would you give to someone who is trying to find their way?
And I absolutely LOVED Nina's advice and I loved her beautiful way of delivering that advice and I am so happy she agreed to let me post it here and share it with each of you.

Nina's Advice:

whew, if only i knew! i am still finding my own way.here are two things i've learned over the years, that i hope will resonate.

1. there is no "arriving" or "getting there" or "destination." what you're experiencing in your life right now is what life is all about... a constant, fluid, and complicated process of being the best person you can be, and finding happiness and contentment in the every day. don't kid yourself with thinking "someday when...". there will always be new challenges, new joys (ones you don't even know exist at this point) nuanced feelings, and things happening that you could never plan for. i'm not a fan of the phrase "life is a journey" because that implies a destination. there isn't a destination unless you think of today as your destination.

2. it takes a lot of courage to be completely, one hundred percent honest and authentic in life, but in my personal opinion, it's the key to true love. when i met simon, i made a conscious decision to avoid the whole "best behavior" or "putting my best foot forth" thing when we were dating. i was going to be "me" and he could take it or leave it. lucky for me, he decided to take it! if i hadn't been my true self (which, for instance, meant skipping the whole feigning interest in things i wasn't interested in, or always looking coiffed) then i wouldn't know if he really loved me for me. make sense? to this day, i sometimes cringe at how honest i am with him, because it means i have to face and tackle parts of myself that i don't particularly like. but honestly, there is no other way, right? and i have never felt so loved.

Don't you just love that? I know I do!

And now, I want to know from you: What is your best advice ever from someone trying to find their way?

I know for me, that advice is Set your boundaries strong! (anyone surprised?)

But what about you?

Let's create a collection of advice from all of us who have spent so much time working on ourselves and on our relationships. Let's share what we learned and enjoy the wisdom of each other.

I'll be in Dallas this weekend attending the Big 12 Championship football game (YAY!!!!), but when I get back...I'd be blessed to see lots of comments from lots of people about the best advice ever!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Showing Respect for the Man in Our Lives

2009-12-03T10:54:00.002-06:00

Last night, J and I were having a conversation about how incredibly intense our love has become. Love for us is not simply a word we use to make the other feel secure, instead, it is a word we use to describe how intimate and close we are. Many of you know, we took almost three years to say it to each other and because of that, it isn’t taken for granted and it means so much more to me than it ever has in the past.

At one point during our conversation, I said to him “I think I know why I love you so much more intensely than I have ever loved any other man.”

He said “Why is that?”

And I replied, “Because I respect you.”

This seemed to touch his heart in a way that nothing I’ve ever said before has. He was…it’s hard to describe, but…grateful…tender…touched.

For women, love is like water or air or food. It is not a desire so much as it is a need…a need to survive, to thrive and to live.

It is for men as well, but for men, love in the form of respect speaks very loudly and right to their hearts. For men, respect is not simply a desire, it is a need.

I wrote a post sometime back about how women need respect in addition to love. You can read that article here. And I still believe that with all my heart and I know for me, I need respect from my man.

For this article however, I’d like to talk about how we, as women, can show our man we respect him and thus touch his heart directly with our love.

When was the last time you can remember asking one of your best girlfriends to change for you? Do you want her to change the way she dresses, speaks or her mannerisms? Do you ask her to change those things about herself, or do you love her for being her, exactly the way she is right now?

It seems to me that so much of the time, when a man becomes interested in us romantically, we begin to ask him to change. We want him to change how much time he spends with us, where he goes and what he does for fun, how he dresses, etc.

Showing respect begins with not asking him to change a single thing about himself. We respect him even more when we see him constantly working on himself and growing and improving, but not because we’ve asked (or worse TOLD) him to.

We respect him because he IS and we respect him for who he was when we let him into our hearts and we respect him for who he is becoming.

If you catch yourself speaking to your man in a way you would never even imagine speaking to your best girlfriend, stop, take a step back, start over and speak in a manner or tone that shows him, even with a disagreement, that you respect him.

Another way we can show respect is with a simple “Thank you”. In my eyes, respect and appreciation go hand in hand.

When we forget to thank a man for the little things as well as the big ones, we are forgetting to show appreciation and thus, forgetting to show respect.

Just say “Thank you”…it will mean as much to him as it means to you when you hear it…and to put icing on the cake, it will probably also inspire him to remember to thank YOU for all those things you do as well.

Respect can also be shown with humor. If your man says something funny, laugh at it! Show him you appreciate his desire to make you smile. Be present in that moment and allow him to amuse you.

One thing that happens to J and I a lot is that people (even strangers) will come up to us and tell us how “cute” we are or to tell us how much “in love” we look.

For the longest time, I thought this was because we are constantly showing affection for each other. We’re always touching, we always sit right next to each other, we kiss and hug and his arm is either around me or we’re holding hands when we walk.

But lately, I’ve started thinking that we don’t look so in love because we touch, but rather, it is because we’re constantly making each other laugh. When we laugh and when we are in the moment with each other and when we look so happy together, we appear to have something very special.

Any couple can touch…even when they’re emotionally distant.

Special couples show respect by being right there emotionally, in the moment, enough to make each other smile.

Another way to show your man you respect him (and this one can be really, really hard sometimes) is to show respect for his family…even if his mother is nosy and his little brother couldn’t hold down a job to save his life.

No matter how bad things get in a family and no matter how distant relatives can become, under it all is usually just a touch of unconditional love.

If a man is distant from his family and isn’t feeling good things where they are concerned, be there for him, be open, be understanding, listen to him vent and show empathy…and at the same time, respect them if only for the fact that without them, you wouldn’t have him.

Best not to openly trash his immediate family.

He’ll appreciate you for it and…well…he might even owe you one when it’s time to spend the holidays with your own nosy mother! LOL

And speaking of trashing…

We can respect our man by not trashing HIM with our girlfriends as well.

We’ve all been there. A group of girls get together and trash their men for every little thing they do ‘wrong’.

What about showing him we respect him by respecting his privacy, the privacy of our relationship with him and respecting his dignity when we speak to our girlfriends about him?

We all need girlfriends to talk to and we all need to talk about our relationships, but it can be done with respect and it can be done with keeping private moments private.

In addition, we can show are respect by listening…really, really listening when he talks about work.

Many men get a lot of their own self-worth from their jobs and from their ability to do good work and provide for their families. Show your respect by paying attention and complimenting him when he talks about a meeting where he kicked ass or a sale he finally pulled off or even just when he’s venting about his micro-managing boss.

Letting him know you will listen and be there for him where his career is concerned and that you respect his hard work will go a long, long way with a man.

And last, but certainly not least, we can let a man know we respect him by telling him just that in so many words.

“I respect you because…”

(have something specific in mind before you start this conversation though because if you just tell him you respect him, he’ll probably ask why…J did anyway)

Genuine, open, verbal declaration of your respect for you man will mean so much to him.

For J, it was an even better declaration than the words “I love you”.

As I said, it touched his heart.

If you haven’t been showing respect for your man, please know, it will take time for you to be comfortable with it and it will take time for him to believe the respect is real, but over time, you will both be rewarded with a much more intimate and loving relationship.

Remember, respect is a need, not a desire…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Healing a Broken Heart

2009-11-30T16:53:00.000-06:00

If you’ve ever experienced heart break, you know there is no way to really put the experience into words. You know that it is absolutely the most painful thing a person can go through. And you know that the word “painful” doesn’t even begin to describe it.

When our hearts are broken, we stop eating (or eat excessive amounts of food), we have trouble sleeping, we cry every second we can, we think about him/her all the time, we have trouble getting out of bed, we let it affect our jobs, we seclude ourselves…

The list goes on and on and on.

Why do we do all of this?

Because we are sure we lost “the one”…our soul-mate…the person who makes us whole…ourselves…our hearts. Because more than missing the love, more than missing the friendship, more than being lonely, we are empty. And being empty causes us to want to fill that void…and it is total and complete despair when we discover we don’t know how.

In all honesty, if this person really was “The One”…it would have worked out. It didn’t, so they weren’t. And yes, I know that doesn’t make it any easier. I know it still hurts so much. I know…but…

The fact is, they were a messenger…and it is our job to learn whatever lesson it is they were bringing to us.

But before the lesson, we need to heal.

I posted another article on this subject a while back, but the more emails I receive, the more pull I feel to expand on that original article and really take it a step further in helping those of you who are struggling to heal.

There are a few things to keep in mind here. Let’s talk about those before we go into the steps you can take to begin to heal.

1. If you don’t eventually put the pain behind you, the power over your life will remain with the other person forever.
2. Moving on is about YOU. It is not about your ex and it is not about your relationship. The only way to move on is to heal YOURSELF…not your ex.
3. I said it before but I’ll say it again. He/she wasn’t “The One”. If they were, you would still be together. You can still find “The One”…he/she did not just get away.
4. Grief is a PROCESS. That means a one foot in front of the other process. Grief is not a place to stay, but it is a very important place to visit.

The first step to healing your broken heart is to get honest with yourself.

What are your TRUE intentions? What do you really want?

Do you want to heal, or do you want to get back together?

If you want to heal, keep reading.

If you want to get back together, stop here. This article will not help you.

After you’ve gotten honest with yourself, you know that it is best for you to move on and you want to heal, it is time to cut that person out of your life.

Do not be friends.

You cannot be “just friends” with someone you are in love with and your heart will not heal if you are hanging out with them hoping they will come back to you.

This healing, remember, is about YOU, not about your ex. Get that person out of your life and allow yourself to focus on YOU.

Stay away from them. Don’t do anything that will cause you to look back and feel humiliated (this includes driving by his/her house, obsessively texing or calling or emailing, “running into” him/her when you know damn well their car was in the parking lot of the grocery store, etc).

This is the time to set boundaries with your ex as well. Let them know you need to heal and you are cutting off the friendship. Let them know they are not allowed to contact you. (When J and I broke up, I had to actually tell him to leave me alone and I had to say the words “I cannot be your friend” so he would stop texting and calling me)

And once you’ve cut them out, it is time to grieve.

Remember, you need to visit grief, but you cannot stay.

Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings. Allow yourself the ability to express your anger and your sadness.

This would be the ONE TIME I advocate writing an email for your ex. Write it all out. Write about your pain and your sadness and your fear and your anger. Write about the hurt and the sorrow. Write about it all. Write it in the form of a letter to your ex.

Let it all out in writing.

All of it.

Then delete it without sending it.

This is about YOU, not about them. Sending it will give them the power over your pain. They don’t hold the power, YOU do.

But sometimes we just have so much to say, so say it.

Then delete it.

And now comes the time when we need to be proactive.

You don’t have to wait for time to heal your broken heart.

Heal it yourself.

Time heals all wounds, yes…but time is very slow…

Take action!

Begin by removing yourself from the negative. I realize you’re going to think about the relationship and you’re going to talk about it, but keep negative words like “horrible” and “painful” and yes, words like “jackass” and “bitch” and “loser” out of your vocabulary.

The longer you focus on the negative and the longer you use those words, the longer it will take to heal.

Instead, focus on YOU and YOUR good qualities. Focus on what he/she is missing since they lost you. Visualize the real you in a real relationship that is loving and tender and affectionate. Focus on who you are and where you want to be.

Now is the time to do a lot of self-examination. Where did YOU do wrong? What changes could YOU have made? If there was nothing, that’s okay. If you can find those things, that’s okay too…this is about learning from any mistakes you might have made and making a commitment to yourself to move forward without those mistakes in the future.

And while you’re doing your self-examination, search for who you are.

Search for the person who can forgive the past without holding judgment or blame.

Search for that person who lives life to the fullest.

Find yourself.

What is your passion? What makes you smile (no…not your ex…what else?)? Before you met your ex, what did you laugh about?

What makes you laugh?

“Laughter is the best medicine”…yes…it sure is!

Who makes you laugh?

Offer to buy that person dinner.

Now, get busy expressing yourself to the world! There is NOT only one person who can see how wonderful you are and your ex is not the only person in the world who saw you shine.

Give the rest of the world (me included) a chance to get to know you.

If I see you walking down the street or I meet you at a business meeting or we run into each other while waiting in line to see a movie, I deserve to see who you are. So show me.

Let your creative side out. Start a blog (not a sad depressing one about your ex…a real one about YOU and what YOU have to offer the world). Maybe one with all of your favorite, happiest quotes or songs or review books you’ve read or movies you’ve seen. Anything…blog whatever and let yourself shine in writing and creativity.

Like working with people? Volunteer. Do something that helps others.

Are you a social butterfly who likes to plan and organize parties or get-togethers with friends? Go to www.meetup.com and start your own meetup. Or join one that already exists in your area.

There are countless things you can do, but if I see you in line at the movie theater, I want to hear you start a conversation with me about something really cool and exciting going on in your life.

Show me how you shine!

Then, as you get out there in the world again, learn to trust again.

Love is a risk. It always has been and it always will be. You risk so much when you give your heart to another…and it can be hard to trust letting anyone get that close to you again, but you must.

Let others in. Trust them. Trust yourself and trust your judgment again.

It will be a risk, but one small step in trusting again will help you grow and grow that ability until you are no longer quite so reserved with sharing your full self with others.

Remember, you deserve to shine and we deserve to get to see it.

Trust us with that.

And now, look around you.

Do you see the blessings in other people? You have family, friends, co-workers, lots of people in your life. See the blessings they offer. Be grateful to them for what they bring into your life.

Think of them, reach out to them and enjoy them. They are trusting you to see them as they are…see that blessing and you might just be able to trust them back.

And finally, reach out for help when you need it. True heartbreak can cause extreme depression. Don’t let that happen to you. Following the above steps can certainly help, but there are times when we need help. Don’t be afraid to ask for it. Don’t be afraid to reach out.

We all need help sometimes and we all need others in our lives who know more than we do or who’ve been there or who have been trained. That’s a good thing! Reach out to them when you need them.

For those of you who are hurting right now as you read this, know that my heart goes out to you. I understand.

And I KNOW things can and will get better.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

2009-11-24T13:52:00.003-06:00

Hey Everyone!!

Just wanted to put up a quick post to wish all of you a very Happy Thanksgiving!!

I will be traveling to Nebraska this weekend and will most likely not be online again until Monday, so if you reach out to me, please be patient...I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

Also, for those of you who can sense the delay in my comment responses and my email replies...that is because I am SUPER busy with a new project at work and it is taking up a TON of my time. Again, if you can be a bit patient with me, I promise I'll get back to you as time permits...just a little slower than normal these days.

But...busy days make for job security right? :o)

What are you all doing for Thanksgiving? I sincerely hope they are all weekends filled with blessings!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Independence and a New (to me) Dream Car!!!

2009-11-16T16:27:00.003-06:00

Some months ago, I went to Rori Raye and asked her a question. My boyfriend offered to buy me a car when mine ended up in the shop (yet again) and I was scared to death to let him take care of that for me. I wanted her advice and I was very torn about what to do. She gave me some advice that I think is VERY good for some relationships and for some women, but…something in me held back. I ended up turning down the car.

You can read Rori’s advice and the comments that went along with it here…but be warned…I got a little heated at some points and that was mostly because of my own frustration at being what I felt was so very “different” from other women and because some part of me wished with all my heart I could just let go.

A bigger part of me KNEW that if I just let go, I would live to regret it.

At this point, we’ll never know if I would have regretted it or not because…

I GOT THE CAR OF MY DREAMS AND I BOUGHT IT MYSELF AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!!!!!

YAY!!!

I am the proud owner of a 2006 Convertible (Maroon) Mustang GT!!! (yeah…that picture above…that’s the actual car I bought!!!! The picture was taken at the car lot where I purchased it.)

But…the question is still out there….

At what point to we “give up our independence” and let a guy help us out if he really wants to and if his heart is in the right place?

At what point are we just being stubborn?

At what point are we simply fighting our instincts to be a girl in order to remain independent?

At what point do we surrender?

At what point do we give in?

For me, it was all about how I felt.

My biggest concern was that no matter where J’s heart was (and it was in the right place…of that I am sure and of that I am grateful)…no matter what he was thinking…my biggest concern was:

“Will this change our relationship?”

It wasn’t about whether or not I would actually BE less independent (I don’t think anything could EVER change that side of me).

It was more about whether or not I would SEEM less independent to HIM and about whether or not, because of all that, my vibe would change and he would see me as someone he has to “take care of”.

My belief, for myself and for my own relationship was that if this was simply a gift…something he saw and thought of me and WANTED to do to see me smile…I would have taken it with gratitude…and I would have SMILED.

But this wasn’t at all what was going on. This wasn’t a “gift”…this was someone else taking care of ME and I wasn’t at all on board with that.

It scared me and it made me feel like I couldn’t take care of myself and it made ME think less of ME.

And it didn’t matter what was really going on with J because…after talking to other women and after analyzing the whole thing for days….what it all boiled down to was…

I was VERY uncomfortable with it.

I didn’t feel good about it.

I was anxious and scared and upset.

And because of those feelings….the answer is YES…my vibe would have changed and our relationship would have changed.

Some women could have looked at this as a gift and could have smiled, laughed, kissed him and moved on with their day.

I personally could not do that.

I don’t think it is “wrong” of those women to take the car. I don’t think it was “wrong” of me not to take the car.

What I think is wrong is when we feel something (anything) in our guts and we know it feels uncomfortable or wrong and we do it anyway.

If a woman can feel good about something like this, I think no less of her for doing it.

If a woman feels horrible about it and does it anyway….I want to direct her to this blog. LOL

The size of the gift doesn’t matter. The cost of the gift doesn’t matter. The circumstances surrounding the gift do not matter. The only thing that matters is how a woman feels about a situation and what she does with those feelings.

For me…it wasn’t right and I stuck to my feelings against a lot of opposing opinions. I feel good about that.

For me…I need to do things like buy my own car. I feel good about that.

The day I post about feeling horrible and doing it anyway…that’s the day all my followers need to step in and kick my butt!

(except for those times when it would feel good to go totally crazy on someone because they pissed me off….in that case…feel free to keep me grounded)

But for now, I’m making payments on a car I love and I feel good about that. I’ve been smiling all weekend and I’m so happy.

What do you all think? Some of you were around Rori’s blog when this issue first came to light….do you agree with how this worked out for me? Do you think I should have taken the car from J when he offered? Do you understand why I made the decision I made? What would you do if you were me?

What about the men reading here? Would you have been turned off if you offered to help a woman out and she turned you down? Would you have respected her decision? How would this have affected your feelings toward her (if at all)?

I’d love feedback on this.

I’ll come back and read after I take a spin in my new car!!!

I Admire My Man…But I am Intimidated by Him

2009-11-10T11:39:00.002-06:00

I let my readers go for so long without a word from me and I feel really bad about that, so here’s a super-long post to discuss something very important. I’ve received a couple of emails about this subject and it seems to affect so many of us in one way or another. Let me know what you think. Is anything like this working against you in your own life?

What happens when we are dating a man who we think the world of, but because of his success either in his field of work or study or because of his financial status we feel intimidated by him?

What do we do?

How do we get to that place where we feel “good enough” for him when, at this time in our lives, we are, in our own minds, not as successful as he is?

The first thing we need to do is figure out WHY we feel this way. It is clearly one of two reasons. Either WE are making ourselves feel this way, or HE is making us feel this way.

How we answer that question determines how we solve the problem and move to a more peaceful, confident place in our lives.

Let’s talk about when the problem is our guy is making us feel like less of a person because he knows he has become successful in life. Why would he do that?

Several things could be going on:

1. He is insecure about his own success (maybe had even bigger dreams and hasn’t accomplished them or maybe feels like he “should have been more”) and it makes him feel better to put down someone else.

2. He isn’t a fully developed man and rather than wanting a relationship, he wants a “Barbie Doll” on his arm. He wants to show off not only his success at work and financially, he also wants to show off his woman…but in order to feel good about this, he needs her to be “less” and to look beautiful. (on a side note, I’ve been here and it SUCKS so let me know if you’re in this place and I’ll create a new post on it…we’ll see what we can do to help you out).

3. He is a “provider” and a “protector” and has a very strong desire to save that “damsel in distress” and you fit the need for him. (and on another side note, this also isn’t a good place to be because eventually, you’ll either get better and he’ll move on to another woman in need of saving or he’ll begin to feel trapped and emotionally and financially drained and he’ll be the one moving on. Let me know again if this is where you are and we’ll do some work through an additional post).

4. He finds something sexy about dating a girl from “the wrong side of the tracks” and likes to feel superior and to give the impression that he’s a bit of a rebel. He makes it clear to everyone where you are in your life and enjoys the feeling of everyone wondering “why” he would go there.

If the above is where you fall in your relationship, then what you are dealing with is a man who simply isn’t ready to have a real, intimate relationship with you. If you’re not exactly putting him on a pedestal but he’s putting you below himself, then it is time for you to start thinking about what kind of man you want in your life and why in the world you would be with someone who doesn’t see you for all your own talents, love and gifts and it’s time for you to take steps to meet someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

When someone else has the ability to make us feel like we’re less of a person, then that person is quite simply not good enough.

When it comes to love, it is only real if the person you love lifts you up, challenges you, cherishes you and loves you exactly the way you are right now…and isn’t telling you you’re not good enough.

If a man is doing this to you, he is not in love.

He is NOT in love.

But what about those times when we’re doing this to ourselves? What about when we see all he’s done and we have a little voice inside of us that says “I’m not good enough for this man and I never will be.”?

What do we do when it’s our own fault, deep down we know that, and yet we struggle with believing in ourselves?

First of all, we need to remember that feelings of not being “good enough” are normal and common. Some of us feel that way about our looks, sometimes it’s about money, sometimes social status, sometimes our families or our backgrounds can do it, sometimes our age…whatever it is with you, know that those feelings are normal and know that by working on our own self-esteem, we can make it better.

Let me tell you a little bit about me, a little bit about J and how this all relates to our relationship.

A little bit about me:

I come from a very dysfunctional home. We lived with no money (welfare) and lots of abuse, neglect and pain.

That was my childhood.

In my adult life, I chose to be a survivor of all of that and I got an education (paid for it with loans and grants and hard work) and I worked my way up into a job that doesn’t make me rich by any means, but pays me well. I’ve been promoted several times in my career and I’m doing better than most thought I would considering my upbringing.

When I moved to Texas, I couldn’t afford to buy a home or a nice car, but I did rent an okay apartment and my car, although a “piece of crap” (as my son calls it) was staying afloat because I make enough money to pay for the repairs when they’re needed.

I’m not in the best place, yet I’m proud of my accomplishments and I’m proud of the fact that I still have dreams and every intention of reaching those dreams.

A little bit about J:

J grew up in your average upper-middle class home. His family struggled some depending on how the year went, but he never went hungry.

He went to college, all paid for by his parents.

When he moved away, he struggled on his own (as most fresh out of college kids do) and learned to eat ramen noodles and drink cheap beer.

He got a job with a company and worked really hard. Sometimes it was hard work, sometimes it was intelligence, sometimes it was luck, but whatever it was, he was promoted very quickly (skipping levels of management) and before long, he was in a very good place financially.

He drives a sweet sports car.

He lives in a beautiful home with a pool.

He’s in a very prominent position at work.

He is highly respected in his field.

And how did all of this affect us?

For starters, J and I are in the same industry (although we do not work at the same company, we are in the same industry). He, at his company, is the equivalent of my boss’s boss. He knows as much, if not more, about what I do for a living than I know. He could not only do my job, he HAS done my job and he’s moved WAY beyond it.

I’m good at what I do.

He’s “better” at it.

Another thing is my background. At first, it was hard for me to tell him about my family and my past. I had trouble admitting where I came from and feared that he would forget who I am today and focus on the fact that I came from dysfunction and wasn’t “good enough” for him. I thought it might embarrass him as much as it does me.

I was humiliated the first time he saw my car. I felt like he would be embarrassed to be seen with me.

I invited him to my apartment only several months after I lived there because it was “nothing” compared to what he had for a home.

The list goes on and on.

But what exactly was really going on with me?

Was J making me feel like less of a woman because he was so much “better” than me?

No.

Did he leave me after I told him my history?

No.

Did he refuse to get in my car and make fun of me for driving it?

No.

Did he put down my apartment and try to talk me into buying a house I couldn’t afford?

No.

So what was going on?

Clearly, it was me…not him. I was doing this to myself. I didn’t feel “worthy” of someone like him. I didn’t feel “good enough” to be on his arm. I didn’t feel secure in the fact that I have so much to give that HE’S the lucky one.

It was time for me to work on the old self-esteem a little bit and so I did!

Step 1: Remind myself every single day of everything I have to offer!
No more focus on what I DIDN’T have…daily focus on what I DID have.
No more feeling like J was better because of his accomplishments. Yes, he had accomplished a lot, but so had I and my stuff was pretty tough too!

Step 2: Bring J down just a notch. LOL…this had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the fact that sometimes he crossed that line from confident (which is sexy) to cocky (which totally turns me off). NOTE: This is not for everyone. J is a man who finds it sexy…not all men do…
When he would “teach” me about stuff I do at work, I would spout off everything I already knew on the subject just to let him know I had a pretty good handle on it.
When he would seem a bit over-confident about how he handled a situation at work, I would give him very honest feedback about how that comes across to a manager and why they would or wouldn’t receive it well.
When we had a difference of opinion about religion or politics or anything for that matter, I would defend my case and debate the issue with just as much logic and conviction as he has.
And when he would "quiz" me about a certain subject in our industry my words were always "I'm not going to interview with you. EVER."
And my very favorite phrase when he was a bit high on himself and sort of "telling me what to do" was: "Oh no, you do NOT get to go Director on me!" (his title is director)
Remember - he likes it...this does not offend him like it would some men, so be sure to know the type of man you are dealing with. J told me one of the things he loves the most about me is that I don't fawn all over everything he says and does and that he knows he can count on me to keep him grounded when a lot of people won't.

Step 3: Keep MY dreams in sight and make plans to accomplish them.
J knows that no matter what we do together, I have my own dreams – outside of our relationship – and I go for them every single day.
At work, I don’t focus on where I’m NOT, instead, I focus on where I am going to be.
I stay as financially independent as possible, paying my own way, going without if I run short, saving as much money as possible, contributing to the household as much as I can and whenever I’m in a position to do so.

Step 4: Let go of the past.
For so long, the past was holding me back. I did a pretty good job of moving forward, but when it came to feeling “worthy”…I would think about the past and not be able to get there. It was time to let that go and instead, celebrate the present and the future.

These steps aren't easy and developing self-esteem and self-worth doesn't happen over night, but I can promise you, the stronger we feel in ourselves, the better we feel about ourselves and the more hopes and dreams we focus on and strive for, the more others will see that and help bring us up even more.

So what about your life? Are you intimated by your man? Who’s making you feel that way? Are there steps you can take to feeling better about it all? Did he put himself on that pedestal or did you? Who took YOU off the pedestal? What are you doing to climb back up?

Let me know! It's so good to be back...I can't wait to hear from you!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Headed to San Diego!!!!

2009-10-26T14:45:00.002-05:00

Hey all...just wanted to let you know I'm headed out to San Diego, CA soon and will be taking a blogger break for a bit. I'll be back on Monday, November 2nd, so if you send me an email, leave a comment or otherwise try to get in touch with me after today, do not dispair...I'll be back. Before I leave, I have a lot to do at my "real" job (I don't want to get behind prior to vacation), so I'm going to be VERY busy...but just know that even if I run out of time and don't respond quickly, I'm not ignoring you.

I am more excited about this trip than any other I've had so far. My son officially became a US Marine last Thursday and I'm going to watch him graduate, spend time with him, eat at nice restaurants ("preferably with unusual food" - his suggestion...lol) and see lots of family. J will be joining me on Friday afternoon and will be spending the weekend as well.

This should prove to be one of the best vacations of my life! :o) At this moment in time, I am one of the most anxious, excited, keyed up and crazy women in the world. Soon, I will be the most relieved, happiest, excited and grinning from ear to ear woman in the world!

J says I need to be strong for my son and not cry. I already told him there is absolutely NO CHANCE that's going to happen and I already told my son his uniform will be soaked with tears from the moment I see him until the moment I say goodbye. They are both prepared to watch me fall apart emotionally in such a good way! :o)

When I get back...I'll tell you all about it!

Much Love,
Mercedes

PUA Teaching - How Women Tend to See It

2009-10-23T13:14:00.003-05:00

There have been so many comments here and there on various blogs where a woman will make a negative comment about PUAs in general and a man or another woman will come to their defense.

I thought it might be time for me to clarify why the term PUA sometimes leaves a bad taste in a woman’s mouth and where the perception comes from that tends to solicit these remarks.

And before I do that, I would also like to clarify that I’ve learned a LOT from my friend Terrance Thames and I have come to the understanding that not all PUAs are like this, not all teachers teach these things and not all of them deserve the negative remarks.

But I would also like anyone who reads this and calls themselves a PUA to understand why, when we know we’re in contact with someone who has been taught these things, our defenses might easily go up.

Because there is so much to say, for the purposes of this article, I would like to work from some PUA terminology (from www.pualingo.com) which quite honestly, is not all that flattering to women or to the men who use and/or teach these terms:

HB: Hot Babe or Hot Bunny

Just wanted to clarify because it is used in some of the definitions below.

PUA: Pick Up Artist

Maybe we’d feel better about this if you called yourselves “Sensitivity Artists”. Those of you who defend and explain what PUA is all about do so by telling me/us that it is about teaching a man to be sensitive, to get to know, to communicate with and understand women better. The term Pick Up Artist does not convey this at all.

Bitch Shield: A social shield that women take on metaphorically when attempting to fend of would-be suitors.

Bitch is a pretty derogatory word for use by someone learning to communicate with and understand women better.

Boyfriend Destroyer (BFD): A PUA routine that is used to get a woman to leave her boyfriend for the pickup artist.

Maybe respecting the relationships of others, rather than attempting to destroy them would be better. There are plenty of single women out there and personally, I hate it when I let a guy know I’m in a relationship and he disrespects that by continuing to hit on me.

Chick Bait: An interesting item that baits girls into opening the PUA.

Another derogatory remark that tends to leave a bad impression…

Doggy Dinner Bowl Look (DDBL): Refers to the look on a woman’s face when she is so attracted to the PUA that she has big trance-like eyes, a slightly lowered and tilted head, and a look of anticipation, which much resembles a dog waiting for his dinner bowl.

Ummm…how can I even comment?

Find/Fuck Ten Other Women (FTOW): Going out and finding and having sex with 10 different women as a way to get over a breakup.

This would be why women commonly reject a man’s insistence that they hurt just as much as we do after a breakup.

Harem Management: The management of a PUA’s relationships with HBs that he has regular sex with. For obvious reasons, this is also a subject that is likely to remain more elusive given 1. society’s view on harems and 2. the PUA protecting his own interests in revealing this information and the chance of this becoming more common information among women.

Honesty is a better way to communicate with women than being worried about “his own interests” and “the chance of this becoming more common information among women.” Trust us to join your harem (or not) with all of the information. This very sentence screams of deception and trickery.

Jealousy Plotline: A tactic designed to get an HB more invested in the PUA by developing a jealousy story with another HB, which gets her to compete for the the PUA’s affections.

Jealousy plotlines help increase attraction in a target by presenting the possibility of one’s attention being taken away. This gets the woman chasing the PUA, rather than the other way around, which increases her investment in the interaction.

Honesty…integrity…where are these? Chivalry. Is it dead? Most men tell us they love the chase and are attracted to a challenge. Is there truth in that from the perspective of a PUA, or would you really rather a woman take on the masculine role of pursuing? What are we supposed to learn from this? What are men learning from this?

Oneitis: a disease characterized by the guy making statements such as “she’s the only one for me”, “she’s not like that”, and “she’s different from all the other girls”.

I personally like to call this “love” and not a “disease”. I am different from all the other girls, I am not like that and I am happy to be the only one for J. I’m flattered, honored and totally grateful that he feels this way too.

Pawn/Pawning: Using a woman who the PUA is not interested in as social proof to attract other women, or a woman used in such a manner.

Anytime men are taught how to use women and why it is okay…well…we’re going to resist and be offended by it.

Speed Seduction (SS): A trademarked seduction technique developed by Ross Jeffries that uses NLP and hypnosis to seduce women and improve one’s inner game.

If you struggle finding a woman who enjoys your company so much that you need to resort to hypnosis…then work should be done within yourself and you are nowhere near ready to be engaging with high quality woman.

Target: The girl that the PUA is interested in gaming.

When we are called “targets” and meeting us is called “gaming” and a group of us are referred to as “sets” and the teaching uses terms like “bitch” and “Doggy Dinner Bowl”…when men are being taught how to “use” us and think of us as “pawns” and to use “hypnosis” to get us interested…and when love is referred to as a “disease”….

Well…can you understand where the negative connotations come from?

So much as been said recently about "perception" and how things or situations are different from one person to the next based on each individual's perception.

Maybe it's time (and believe me, I've learned some very valuable lessons myself on this lately) for us all to take into consideration how what we say, what we do, how we teach and how we live our lives might give the wrong impression based on someone else's perception.

Much Love,
Mercedes

How Do You Think I Did? and Thank You for the Advice!

2009-10-20T10:24:00.002-05:00

And the saga continues...and then, in my mind, it ends.

The other day, J and I were watching football at our local hangout and who comes in? W…of course. Only this time, he didn’t have S with him. J and W talked for a bit and then W went to go sit by himself.

Later, W came back over and talked to J and asked if everything was square between the two of them. He said the problem was really between S and me and there was no reason the two of them couldn’t be friends. J was slightly caught off guard and answered nicely that yes, the two of them could be friends, however, the problem he said, was really between W and S. It really had nothing to do with me. J told him he needed to talk to me if he wanted to smooth things over because he wasn’t going to be a go-between.

A little later, W came over to talk to me about “the conversation” S and I had. I said there really was no conversation, she did all the talking and wouldn’t answer me when I tried to ask what happened.

Then he goes on to explain what she was thinking:

He said first on her list was that I was being disrespectful to J by having this friendship with W and by talking to W when J was out of town.

I told him that was not AT ALL the way she approached it. I said she didn’t even mention J and that if she had, I would have easily been able to inform her that J didn’t feel disrespected and beyond that, my relationship is my business and if she has concerns about how J feels, she should address it with him…not spread rumors about me in his defense.

Then he went on to say she thought I was trying to do something with W behind J’s back.

I then informed him again how completely ridiculous that was. I told him that ANYONE who sees J and me together knows that we are passionately in love with each other and that no man on earth stands a chance with me other than J…my true love and that everyone can see I am in no way shape or form going to do anything to even potentially lose what I have with him.

Then he went on to say she thought W was trying to do something with me behind her back.

I said “Ahhh…so now we come to the root of the problem. She doesn’t trust you and she’s insecure about your relationship. This is exactly what I thought the problem was to begin with.”

He said no. He told me she does trust him.

I said “W, until you are able to face the real issue, this will never be resolved.”

He said he is facing the issue and that the entire thing is between her and me and that he just wishes it hadn’t gotten blown so out of proportion.

I said “I wish it hadn’t either, but it did. A couple of things here: This issue is not between her and me. It is between the two of you and because of her insecurities and feelings of being uncomfortable in her own relationship she felt the need to cause some of that in MY relationship. It didn’t work. And two, YOU are not facing the issue. Your woman is insecure in your relationship and she doesn't trust in your love for her and if you don’t do the work to make her feel secure, this thing will happen again and again.”

He said he just wants us to sit down and talk about it.

I said “I don’t have a problem with that, but I will tell her everything I just told you. If you don’t think she’s ready to hear it, then I don’t think you should encourage the talk.”

He asked me if I would really tell her she’s insecure and doesn’t trust him right to her face.

I said “Yes, looking her straight in the eye and meaning every word of it.”

He said he doesn’t believe me.

I said “Yes you do. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be talking to me when she’s not around. You know this would bother her. You’re doing it because you know I’m right and she is insecure and because you know I would be just as direct and honest with her as I am with you.”

He said he just wants it all to go away.

I said “Then you’re going to have to do something to make it all go away.”

I also (at some point in this conversation…I can’t remember exactly when but I think towards the beginning) told him that I appreciate everything he did for me by being there and answering all my questions and if he chooses to talk to me, I would never (not even in front of S) be rude to him, but I will respect her wishes and keep my distance unless he initiates the conversation.

I asked him to please initiate those conversations only in her presence in the future because going behind her back is exactly what she’s accusing me of doing. I’m not interested in making her accusations true.

He left.

This entire thing has given me new reason to really think about relationships and what they mean, what I have in my life and what I sometimes see in the relationships of others.

What I have:

A man I can talk to about anything. A man who knows where I am secure and where I am insecure. A man I can say the words “This situation is making me feel uncomfortable and insecure” to and who will do whatever it takes to make me feel better.

What I sometimes see in others:

Women who are insecure but are so desperately afraid of telling their men because they are afraid to appear needy or clingy…afraid they will push the man away…afraid they will turn him off with their lack of confidence…and afraid they will lose him and be alone.

And men who do nothing to remedy that situation and those feelings of fear.

What this means:

I am lucky. A man who will take your insecurities and build you up because of them is a man you feel less and less insecure around. A man you can trust with your feelings is a man you can love deeply and intimately.

What I have:

A very deep rooted desire for the world to see what I have and to make no other assumptions about it. I have a deep need for EVERYONE to know that I am in love with J and he is in love with me. I have a deep need to keep that bond sacred and I have a fear that a rumor could plant seeds of doubt in the mind of my man about me or our relationship. (This is a new discovery about myself based on this situation…I was determined to learn the lesson here and I think this is it…I TOO AM INSECURE)

What I sometimes see in others:

Women who are just like me. Women who need the world to know that this is HER relationship and she won’t stand for anything that threatens it. Women who will rip into each other if need be just to send the message that interfering with their relationship is off limits and will not be tolerated.

What this means:

Even though I go about it a different way (meaning I would never attempt to harm another person’s relationship), I’m no different than women like S. I need the world to know what I have and I need the world to know it is worth fighting for. S wanted everyone to see what she had wasn’t up for grabs and because of her insecurities, she went after me in order to show that to the world. As soon as I felt the perception of my relationship potentially changing, I wanted to strike out at her and let her know that what I have will not be messed with. We’re not so different after all.

What I have:

This blog and all of my followers to ask questions and opinions, to share my story, to get encouragement, to keep me in line and help stop me from striking out in defense when I so desperately want to.

What I sometimes see in others:

A lack of a good support system, lack of good advice and lack of true friends who will keep them grounded and focused on what is really important.

What this means:

We all need a place to go, someone to talk to, good advice from someone who might either be wiser or at least a little separate from the situation who can guide us in the right direction. We all need advice. We can call ourselves “coaches” or “gurus” or “professionals” but in the end, none of us have all the answers and all of us need someone who we can talk to.

What this also means:

I thank each and every one of you for being here and being my friends. For those of you who commented here…you were able to help me teach others, as I learned, how to deal with intense situations when they arise. For those of you who sent emails, you were able to help guide me privately and allow me to really, really vent about what I was feeling. To those of you who didn’t comment but were here reading, you helped me understand I have friends who, even when silent, are thinking about me and pulling for me.

And a couple of questions this brings up:

Do you think I should give S a business card with my blog and email on it? I think she could use the help…maybe she could check out a rule or two? :o)

If so, do you think I should do it before or after we have our little talk? LOL

Much Love,
Mercedes

He’s Mr. Wonderful…But…

2009-10-13T14:12:00.002-05:00

Note: In case you don't read all the way to the end of this post, I wanted to, up front, give credit to my blogger friend Dan who wrote an article which was the inspiration for this post.

So many of the emails I get from women will start out by telling me how wonderful their man is. They’ll talk to me about the amazing connection they have and the fabulous times they have together.

Then, they’ll tell me about this ONE thing that makes it hard. Just this one little thing that needs to be fixed.

Many times, as we continue to communicate, we’ll discover that there is a lot more to it than just that ONE thing.

And yet, because we love them so much, we are willing to work and work and work to make it all better so we can have the relationship we are really looking for.

On the flip side, a guy can give us compliment after compliment after compliment but then will say something about that ONE thing we could do to improve ourselves and we are absolutely crushed and hurt beyond measure.

We begin to doubt so much about ourselves.

We begin to feel worthless and insecure and scared.

Why is that?

It could be because we all want to think we are the perfect ones in the relationship and he’s the one that needs to do the work.

It could be because underneath it all, we have more insecurities than we are aware of.

Or maybe it is because we realize that this ONE thing he is mentioning could very well lead to our discovery (or his) that there is a lot more to it than just ONE thing.

Why, when one thing goes wrong, do we make it more? Why is it so hard to learn the lesson? Why, with a little criticism are we so ready to get down on ourselves and question everything about who we are, what we are like and how our men see us?

And then…through all of that hurt…why do we say “But I love him…”?

What would happen if we took the time to stop, put things in perspective and then…after that…go into how we feel about it?

Try this next time your man tells you something you could do to improve.

Stop.

Think about how often this sort of thing happens.

Is it very rare?

If so, process what he said. Try to put yourself in his shoes to see why he would feel this way about you.

Now…go back into your own shoes. Think about what it would feel like if you DID improve that one little thing he was talking about. Imagine yourself in that place. Imagine how you would relate to him without this thing.

Do you remember my Rule #1?

“Don’t Change Yourself but DO Change Some of Your Behaviors”

Does that apply here? If so, can you think of a way to apply it and still feel authentic and secure and true to yourself?

Maybe that’s something we all need to think about sometimes.

Now, what if this sort of thing happens a LOT?

This is a little harder. Because now, you have to decide if this person is trying to change you, or if he or she is ultimately trying to save your relationship (as you are when you come to me with a list of things – after that ONE thing – that you need and he isn’t providing)?

If you can see he simply wants to save the relationship…then maybe it is worth looking into.

If you can see he is constantly trying to change you and belittle you “but I love him…”

Then maybe you need to look at why you love him and what you’re doing there.

Sometimes, we hold on to things (relationships, men and even things) because they are familiar, because they hold sentimental value, because they remind us of a wonderful PAST or because we “love” them and can’t figure out why.

My blogger friend Dan Brodribb (check out his blog…he’s amazingly funny and has a very cool take on relationships and how they work) did a very interesting post on this holding on to the past thing here.

In a comment to that post, I compared some of my ex-loves (and I should have made myself clear – I mean some of the QUALITIES of my ex-loves) to an old coffee cup with a frog on it and a broken handle.

As Simply Shannon said…it was quite fitting. LOL

That particular cup has no meaning in my life anymore. It serves no purpose because I no longer use it to drink coffee out of. It sits on my shelf and does nothing. I don’t need it, “but I love it”.

So, now its time for me to decide: Can I throw it away? Can I remove it from my life?

Or, do I love it enough to fix it?

The handle is gone. It will never be the same again. But…if I were to take that flaw and turn it into something useful and beautiful like a vase for pretty flowers with little frogs glued over the broken parts…would I love it even more?

Now…what if that broken coffee cup isn’t really symbolic of my ex-lovers? What if it is symbolic of ME and MY flaws that were pointed out by my love? What if I were willing to listen, take my own flaws and make them beautiful, take myself off that shelf and become an even more beautiful part of my relationship and, rather than take offense at someone pointing out my flaws, make them better instead?

What if I could truly recognize that flaw, not be insecure about it, embrace it and then turn it into something beautiful instead?

What if I were willing to learn that lesson?

You know:

Sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.

Or maybe even better:

To kiss a frog in the hopes of turning him into a prince is a waste of a perfectly good frog.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Good Advice? Bad Advice? I Need YOUR Advice!

2009-10-08T13:41:00.002-05:00

Okay…so I have an issue that came up for me recently, I gave some advice to a follower about her own situation using mine as an example…and now I am wondering if my advice was appropriate. I would very much like to hear what each of you think/feel about this:

As many of you know, my son is away at Marine Corps boot camp (he’s doing very well by the way and I’m incredibly proud of him) and the only connection I have to him is snail mail. It is very hard on a mother, especially when she can’t even pick up the phone and call. Three months with a few letters can almost break your heart.

Anyway…J and I know this couple (we’ll call them W – the husband and S – the wife). W is a Marine, and to make matters even better, he used to be a drill instructor at the same training base my son is at. I began talking Marines with W almost every time I saw him. I spoke to S about this on multiple occasions and she was so incredibly kind about it, telling me she understood and I was more than welcome to talk to him anytime and she was glad he was able to help.

Well…a few weeks ago, that all changed. I’m not sure what happened. The two of them showed up at a bar I was at (J was out of town and I was there alone). She and I talked for about 45 minutes or so and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Later, I talked to W about how my son was doing, etc. At a point later in the evening, I was sitting with a female friend of mine, just talking about life and S came up to me, got in my face, was pointing and angry and told me to never speak to W again! W was no where near me at the time. I didn’t know what hit me. In an instant, my connection (which I felt through W) to my son was abruptly severed. She wouldn’t say anything more and wouldn’t talk to me about what happened.

I called J the next day and we had a great talk about it. He was very supportive and understood why I was so upset. We addressed the fact that, among other things, this could start a lot of rumors about what I might have done with W while J was out of town. A LOT of people heard her and will jump to conclusions.

I told J I was prepared to respect her wishes and as long as W never approached me, I would not speak to him. I refuse to be rude and just ignore a man who has been nothing but good to me…however, I also do not want to be the cause of problems in their relationship and so…I will never talk to him again if he doesn’t approach me.

J and I had another conversation about it when he came home and I just felt compelled to tell him how incredibly grateful I am to have him in my life. He was curious why I brought that up now and I said “Because so many men would have handled this in a very different way than you did and you made me feel safe. I am grateful for that.” and he said “I handled it this way because I love you.” and I said “No…you handled it this way because you believe I love you. There is no bigger compliment than when you tell someone you love them and they believe you. If they have doubts, there will be jealousy and fear. If they don’t, there is only love in return.”
I’m very lucky…J knows without a doubt that I love him, so no matter what rumors evolve from this, I know he’s behind me and with me, holding my hand no matter what anyone else thinks.

After this all happened, a follower came to me with a problem. My advice to her was the same as my advice to myself. Sometimes, its better to let things go. These types of people are looking for drama and the more we talk about it, the more we feed that drama. The best way to end something like this is to keep our distance, be friendly when directly faced with the people (no drama) and move on. No need to bring it up, they know what they’ve done and so do we…that should be enough.

Fast forward a week or so. J and I are in the same bar for a benefit auction and W and S show up. W gives me a slight nod and a smile and I took that as him saying “Let’s just do this, but I’m okay.” I smiled back and moved on with my day. J and W played a little pool, talked to each other and seemed to be having a good time. W brought the subject up with J and J mentioned I was upset but I wanted to respect S’s wishes and that’s why I wouldn’t be talking to him. W said he would talk to S and see what he could do to make the situation better for all of us.

I saw W talking with S a few minutes later. Within an hour, W was sitting across from me giving me a very (intimidating??) icy glare. Clearly, S said something to make sure even W wasn’t okay with me. Then W went to J and told him he was done with both of us, that J had no idea what his woman was really like and that I needed to stay away from him.

So…rumors are flowing. S has clearly said things that are not true. They’re talking behind my back about something that never happened. And I am ready to address it!
My new advice to my follower is this:

Sometimes, it really is better to let things go and move on. Sometimes, it really is better to take the high road and refuse to participate in the drama. And sometimes, it is absolutely necessary to stand up for yourself, reclaim your pride, show you can’t be intimidated and then move on.

Which advice to do you think is better?

Let it go?

Stand up for yourself?

Because at this point, I’m not sure…but I do know, the next time I see W and S…I’m going to let them know exactly what I think about her insecurities, his attitude and their need to use me to feed the drama they clearly need in their relationship. They will know, from me, that even if they need drama, J and I don’t and I will no longer keep quiet and just sit there and take it!

What would you do?

Please comment...maybe someone will stop me from being just a little bit too...ummm....ME!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Love, Yes...But What About Like and Respect?

2009-09-29T10:12:00.002-05:00

With all the talk about feelings on this blog and on Rori’s blog, I wanted to address another side of a woman. Our opinions.

One of the key things you want to learn about a man is how much he respects your opinions.

We all want love, we all want affection, we all want to be desired and we all want attention.

For me, that is not enough.

I also want to be respected...I want to be admired...I want to be LIKED.

My personality can be a bit “out there” and very assertive. When I have an opinion, I usually make it quite clear. When I have thoughts on something or I am knowledgeable about a subject or when something political or religious triggers me, I make myself clear.

I find it very sexy when a man will listen to me, respect my opinion and if he disagrees with me…will debate the issue in a non-threatening way.

J and I agree on a lot of things, but there are a few things (like religion) that we are light years apart on. We have had so many discussions about religion and we cannot agree…and I’m pretty sure never will. And that’s okay because the most important thing to me is that we can hear each other, we can talk/debate without arguing and we respect the other person’s opinion.

In contrast, with my marriage, I couldn’t disagree with anything he ever said. When I did (and yes…I was pretty good at being able to "out-logic" him) he would feel intimidated, he would feel like I was putting him down, he would feel like I was trying to make him sound stupid…and I would feel like I was supposed to stifle my own intelligence and have no opinion on certain subjects simply because he couldn’t hold his own in a debate.

There was no respect (on either side) of the opinions, knowledge or even feelings of the other person. We didn't LIKE each other.

They say you should never talk about religion or politics in a bar. I tend to agree with this but only because of the addition of alcohol. I believe that anytime we are sober and with friends, we should be able to talk about anything.

But that’s because I also believe we should respect each other. If I have friends who don’t respect me (or even respect the fact that we just don’t agree) then…well…I probably need new friends.

If I have a lover who doesn’t respect me…I probably need a new lover.

I think having love and affection and attention and nurturing and all of that is so incredibly important in a relationship.

But for me, I also need friendship and respect.

I need the man in my life to be my friend (my BEST friend) and I need his respect.

I don’t just need friendship and respect at the office. I also need it in my own home and in my love life because being with someone who doesn’t respect you and who you can’t respect really, really hurts.

And being with someone you “love” but don’t “like” really, really sucks.

So many times, when I’ve worked with a woman who is being abused by her husband, we’ll talk about why she doesn’t leave him. Sometimes she’s too scared. Most of the time she says “Because I love him.”

A lot of counselors will ask the predictable next question: “What do you love about him?”

In my experience, this will get you a LONG list of all the things he used to do.

I prefer to say: “Yes, I have no doubt about that, but what do you LIKE about him and what do you RESPECT about him?”

And then: “What does he LIKE about you and what does he RESPECT about you?”

And then: “Are you comfortable being in a relationship where you do not like and respect each other?”

It’s a hard thing to look at and to realize sometimes, but the friendship, admiration and respect two people share can mean the difference between keeping the love and losing it.

I wonder sometimes if people looked at these qualities in a relationship much more closely and put a priority on them for their own lives…would we have a lot fewer problems with lust and/or comfort/security being mistaken for love?

I know for me, having J be my best friend, being the person I can talk to about anything, being the person I can debate an issue with, being the man I respect above all…is the greatest feeling I could ever have.

I love him, I am in love with him, I respect him, I admire him, I trust him…

And the coolest part?

He feels the same way about me!! That makes me a VERY lucky girl…

And I wish all of this for each of you…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Self-Esteem, Self-Confidence, Self-Image and New Boobies

2009-09-22T09:51:00.000-05:00

As a teenager, I was very overweight and extremely shy. My self-esteem, self-image and self-confidence were somewhere in a far corner of a basement in the midwest. I could barely look people in they eye and would have sooner died than speak out loud in front of more than three or four people – and even then, only if those people were close friends or family.

When I had my first child, I was twenty years old. The pregnancy was a rough one and throughout it, I had a total weight gain of three pounds.

Yes…three pounds.

According to the doctors, the baby was surviving off of the extra body fat I had stored up. Basically, he was getting nutrients from what already existed.

He was consuming what was already there.

The day after I had him, I weighted about 60lbs less than I had weighed since middle school.

The pounds kept falling off.

I felt beautiful for the first time ever.

Men noticed me.

My self-confidence soared, my self-esteem grew (slowly…this one takes longer) and my self –image…well…that reached a level that I would now call “cocky”.

Out of extreme fear of gaining weight again, I became anorexic. I ate next to nothing and over the course of two years (including the pregnancy), I went from weighing 187lbs (pre-pregnancy) to weighing 82lbs.

I lost more than a whole other ME.

At 82lbs, I was in a para-sailing accident that caused my back to break in five places, my kidneys to bleed, my legs to break and my wrist to break as well as severe whiplash and lots of sprains and bruises.

The doctors picked up on the fact that something was very wrong. Not many 20 year old women weigh a healthy 82lbs and I was no exception. “Healthy” was not a word used to describe me at all.

So, I went into treatment and gradually learned to see myself in a healthy way and learned to control my weight in a healthy manner.

(Although I still struggle with anorexic thoughts…because once you learn how it “works”, it’s really hard not to use it as a “quick fix” for those 5lbs that won’t seem to come off, I refuse to go down that path again.)

And for the last 18 years, my weight has held its own at anywhere between 95 and 105lbs.

(And just fyi…I’m built very small and am really short, so that weight is healthy for me. It’s the general height and weight of all the women in my family).

And so…I’ve been happy with all of me, exactly the way I am, for 18 years.

Except for one little thing:

My boobies.

I’ve had three children and extreme weight loss in my life. That combination makes for very saggy twins. I had plenty there…no denying God blessed me with substance…but…

It has been a long time since I felt attractive in that regard or even comfortable with them.

For many years, I have been talking about, thinking about and researching doctors who could give me new boobies.

Last Thursday, I made the leap.

I went to a doctor and got back what God had originally blessed me with. I received a full lift and firm and have what appear to be much larger and firmer boobies.

They “appear” larger…not that they really are…it’s just that it no longer takes the Victoria Secret Miracle Bra to give them the appearance they were meant to have.

Now…they look….

Well…ok…NOW they look like victims of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre…

But when the bruising and scars go away and the swelling goes down and the stitches come out…they will look like they looked 18 years ago.

Personally…I’m happy….I’m excited…I’m absolutely glowing (ok…the glowing part might be the pain pills…).

So many friends have told me what they think about it.

Most thought I was crazy because I was “fine just the way I am” (of course, these ladies and gentlemen never saw me without the VS Miracle Bra…).

Some are jealous.

Some are inspired to do their own.

Some are really happy for me.

Some are a combination of all of the above or plain don’t know how they feel.

While I was in the doctor’s office waiting for the drains to be removed, I met a young lady (20 years old) and her boyfriend. She had the same surgery (only larger implants) on the same day as me. When I asked what made her decide to do it, her answer was:

“They weren’t NEAR large enough to satisfy him.” And she pointed at her boyfriend.

His answer? “You know it baby!”

I’m sure she’s getting plenty of feedback herself on whether or not she made the right decision.

I sat in judgment myself. Right there, in the seat next to her, waiting for the same procedure to be done, I sat in judgment.

I held my tongue.

Since then, I’ve been thinking so much about this surgery and reasons for it and at what age is appropriate and what “reasons” could make it a “good decision”.

I’ve been thinking, but I have not come up with an answer.

There are many who stand behind me.

There are many who think I made a horrible decision.

They all have their own reasons for why they feel the way they feel.

I have my reasons for feeling the way I feel.

Many men are not okay with their ladies doing this to themselves.

Many others love the idea.

They all have their reasons.

J has his reasons for supporting me.

A lot of people have their own thoughts, opinions and feelings about his decision to do so.

So I guess what it comes down to for me is self-image. I enjoy liking what I see in the mirror. I got my first taste of that at the age of 20. After several years, it went away. I got my second taste of it on Thursday.

Will it go away again someday? I don’t know. If it does, will I be first in line for a facelift or a butt lift or botox? I don’t know.

But one thing I do know is that I have the confidence, self-esteem and enough of the taste of positive self-image that if I do decide to do anything like this again…I will know I made the right decision for me...regardless of how anyone else feels about it.

No regrets.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Communicating Boundaries...Especially the Tough Ones

2009-09-16T12:32:00.001-05:00

One of my bloggie friends, Simply Shannon asked the following question in a comment here and I just had to turn it into an entire post:

Howdy Mercedes! I feel bad that I haven't commented here lately but my life is super busy right now. A and I are still talking. It's a struggle a lot but we do still have fun and are at least trying. (I am circular dating and figuring stuff out for myself.)

As for boundaries, how do you bring them up in normal conversation? I'm asking because I just found out that A has been texting with a female friend that he knew from the same dating website where we met (at around the same time). They never met until just a week ago when he went to have drinks with her and her boyfriend. This seriously triggered me when I found out. To add insult to injury as we were discussing things, it turns out that this girl and her BF are having issues and possibly breaking up. So yeah - HUGE trigger. I told him that I felt uncomfortable with him talking to other single women that I wasn't also friends with. That I don't want to feel jealous or worried. And given our situation, I know I can't handle it. It felt like an argument though. And he was not happy with me. He did tell her that he couldn't speak to her anymore but I could tell he was frustrated with me. Did I go about this the wrong way? I'm not sure how to bring these things up with him or to state them in a way that he can hear them. He felt like I was trying to control him (his words). But he also said that he had made his choice (me) and he was willing to do it. Suggestions?

For a little background on Shannon’s situation, she was cheated on. As most of you know, I was too and I know how incredibly devastating that can be. I also know, from personal experience, that a couple can work through that and have an amazing relationship in spite of (or maybe even because of) the cheating. And…I know how much work and how much communication it takes to make that happen.

I’m speaking to Shannon here from my own experience, from what works for me and from what I wanted/needed from J in order to make things better between us.

Shannon…some of what I say you might not like. It will probably sound like I’m bashing A (and what right do I have to do that when J did the same thing, right??) but honestly, I’m not. The only way I know how to make it through what you are going through is how I personally did it…so that’s how I have to treat your situation.

One thing I want you to keep in mind is that even though you and A had an instant connection and you began to care for each other very quickly, you are still very much in the process of getting to know each other. You will have a lot to say (or should have a lot to say) about your boundaries as time goes on. The key is not to keep shocking him with new ones all the time.

One of the greatest things you can do for yourself (and your relationships) is to actually know what your boundaries are. I know that sounds silly (as in “Duh Mercedes!”), but its amazing how many of us really don’t know (until he does something we don’t like) what it is we can’t put up with. Instead, we create boundaries out of a reaction to something he's done rather than creating boundaries in advance, knowing them and setting them in stone long before anything happens.

Personally, I would get myself a pretty journal and write them down. Write the things you want and the things you need to have in a relationship. Write about what a deal-breaker is vs something you desire but might compromise on depending on the situation. Know them inside out and upside down.

For you, a lot of your boundaries will revolve around his relationships with other women be they friends, former lovers, even co-workers. These are going to need to be very strong boundaries and they will need to be communicated clearly…but not in reaction to something he’s done. The way you worded your concerns to him was beautiful. He reacted defensively because your words were in direct response to something he did. That’s going to be quite natural on his part.

I believe the two of you need to choose a time to sit down and talk about it. You need to talk about how you feel and how you felt and most importantly, about your boundaries. I remember when you originally were ready to see A again. You wanted more than anything to just have fun and enjoy the time without dwelling on what happened. That can be good in some ways, but what it encourages is you bringing up the past little by little, line by line over a long time and he never really knowing what your boundaries are where other women are concerned.

Now, it is time: Create a time and place where you can discuss it all. Tell him openly how you felt and how you still feel. Tell him exactly what your boundaries are where other women are concerned. Tell him whether or not (and for some it really is “not”) you will ever be able to fully trust him again (and I mean fully trust him…if you are going to freak out if he stops and talks to an old girlfriend for 10 minutes in a grocery store, then you aren’t fully trusting him and he deserves to know that). Tell him everything.

Give him some advanced notice too so he has time to prepare mentally and doesn’t feel like he’s being blindsided or attacked and doesn’t get defensive right away. Let him know you’ve been pushing down feelings and thoughts and you need to lay it all out. Let him know you value what he thinks about it all and the only way you can find out what he really does think is if you talk about it. Tell him you want to talk because you feel it will help clear everything up and move your relationship beyond the cheating and forward onto a next step. Make sure he understands that you don’t want to fight or argue about anything, you just want to clear the air, clear up any misunderstandings and move beyond it.

Next, I would like to see you remember that A "owes" you this “no contact with women friends you are not involved in” boundary. It doesn’t matter how that makes him feel, if he wants you, then he owes you this determination to do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. But the problem I have is that he seems "willing" to do whatever it takes, but he doesn't like it and he doesn't "want" to.

He'll do it if you ask, but he gets upset about it.

At this point, I feel like he should still be totally bending over backwards to win you back He should feel in his heart that other women aren't interesting to him because he is passionately and without a doubt in love with you...he's way too busy trying to win your love to be concerned with texting other women. He should be more than willing to understand that you feel like you have to "control" him in these situations because he showed you he can't control himself where other women are concerned.

For me, it is hard to be with a man who is “willing” to make me happy (my ex-husband). I much prefer a man who wants nothing more than to make me happy (J). I want a man who would be shocked if he did something unintentionally to hurt me and who would jump through hoops to fix it and make things better again.

A knew you would be jealous and suspicious and hurt if you knew he was still friends with a woman he met online a few months ago. He knows the wound is still there and you are still hurting. He knows it and did it anyway. He got defensive because he 1) didn’t know you were strong enough to confront him and ask him to end the relationship and 2) had no time to prepare for the conversation.

Now, when you actually have the talk with him, this is where I really do use Rori's tools. I use feeling messages and want and don't want statements. It's what makes a man listen and really HEAR us. The problem, I don't think, is the way you presented it is instead the fact that he feels blindsided by it. Your words themselves were beautiful. I would change nothing.

If you need to, write out your “opening” for this conversation. You will both know in advance you are going to have this talk, so prepare for it. Take the time to think about exactly what you want to say and how you want to say it. Write it all down. If you need help or another opinion, feel free to post here in a comment and we’ll work through it.

I also believe this is a really good time for you to bring up your other boundaries (ones not related to other women). For me, when J wanted me back and I had finally decided to see if that could happen, I went to him (gave him a weeks notice – I was out of town and I told him we could talk when I got back) with EVERYTHING I wanted and needed from him. I laid it all out. There were no secrets anymore and I was clear and thorough enough that I have not yet had to add to those boundaries. He knows every one of them…no surprises…nothing more.

And he loves me because of the strength it took to know myself and what I need…and the strength it took to tell him that…

I sincerely hope this helps and I’m here for you if you need further guidance.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Classic Sign Your Relationship is Falling Apart

2009-09-10T16:17:00.002-05:00

Do you know what the most obvious sign is that your relationship is falling apart?

I believe it is when you are working hard to hold the relationship together.

I think we all need to do a little work on not trying quite so hard. I don't mean give up, I mean stop trying. I don't mean stop noticing what's happening. I mean stop working on it.

Working hard to keep a relationship is futile for several reasons:

1. Generally only one person wants to work at a time.
2. It causes stress on both parties.
3. We struggle with exactly what we need to do...and end up using trial and error (and error and error and error).
4. Nobody is relaxed.

So...when things get hard in a relationship and you do feel it falling apart, what exactly are you supposed to do?

Start with relaxing. Know what is in your control (ummm...hint: just YOU) and what is outside of your control (another hint: your partner). Understand that you are only responsible for your own actions and reactions and cannot control the other.

Breathe.

You know what you can control. You know your part. Breathe and let his (or her) stuff go. You can't fix that...so don't try.

Then, understand that challenges are so often times simply messages and lessons. Welcome challenges in a relationship because you know they are tools for growth. Remember, as a couple, if you never go through anything bad, you have no way of knowing whether or not you are strong enough to make it through anything bad.

Remember that challenges happen to everyone and if we use them to grow, our relationships only get stronger.

Third, speak your truth. Never gloss over problems. "Pretending" everything is fine doesn't work any better than trying so hard does. Pushing the problem away creates a crack in your relationship. If you haven't spoken your truth, that crack gets bigger and bigger and pretty soon...it's not just a crack anymore.

Many times, one person in a relationship believes everything is fine and the other is hurting or pulling away emotionally. One person is blindsided by the ending and the other has secretly been pulling away for a very long time.

Speak your truth. Tell your partner how you are feeling, tell them what is hurting you, tell them when you feel a crack starting.

Then, give them the opportunity to speak their truth too.

This can be hard because sometimes. When another person is confronted with our negative feelings, they tend to pull away or get defensive or react in some negative way. This is the time to really stick to my Rule #10 and Rule #11.

This is not the time to argue or fight about anything. This is a time to share what's hurting you, how you are feeling and what you are going to do to feel better. This is a time to take responsibility for your own happiness and to take your life into your hands and live your own dream. This is an opportunity to invite your partner to grow with you or watch you grow on your own.

J and I have made two promises to ourselves and each other to help us with this.

1. I promise, if I am feeling angry, sad or disconnected from you because of something you did or said, I will not hold it inside until it becomes more. Instead, I will come to you right away and give us the opportunity to talk about it. (This came from a HUGE mistake I made where I was hurt over something, I let it build in my own mind and heart, I blew it out of proportion and he was shocked at my ultimate reaction because it really was nothing).

2. I promise to let you do the above without fear of a fight. I will listen until you are finished and we will discuss.

Something else we apply the above to is when we say "I have an ask" or "I have a tell". This means we can ask anything or tell anything and the other has to listen and respond openly with their own thoughts/feelings on it. No fighting. No getting defensive. Openness.

For example:

I might say "I have a tell".
His response is generally "Oh...God...okay..." (and he breathes deeply until he's ready..LOL)
Then I might say "I'm feeling very insecure about ________ right now and it's because you said __________."

Then he has the opportunity to explain what he meant when he said (or did) whatever it was. The key is, he isn't allowed to go crazy with telling me it was nothing and I have no right to be insecure about it or whatever. He has to explain what happened, what he was thinking or feeling or, if there really is a problem, what his thoughts are on that.

Saying those words ahead of time: I have an ask or I have a tell is our clue to prepare mentally and emotionally because this means a lot to the other and we need to take it seriously.

It doesn't even have to be used for "big" things either. He could say "I have a tell." and then "I really wish you would have done the dishes after dinner. You didn't seem busy and it bothered me that you chose not to."

That's my clue. I can apologize (if I'm sorry) or explain that I needed to do whatever it was I was doing or tell him that I hadn't mentioned it but I had a crazy headache or even ask him what it was that he was doing that was important enough for me to be the one responsible for the dishes (no drama here..no sarcasm...not mean...just discussing).

It doesn't matter what the issue is. It doesn't matter what the outcome is. What matters is we have an issue and we have a way to repair that issue (or at least discuss it) without hurting the other, fighting or pulling away.

What matters is that we are committed to learning and growing as a couple from any challenges that come our way whether they be large or small.

I hope you can use some of this in your relationships as well.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Ok...So Vegas Was Fun...And Lessons Learned

2009-09-08T10:19:00.002-05:00

I spent the entire weekend forgetting about my life. Everything disappeared except for me, J and some really good friends. We drank, we ate, we played cards, we drank, we played slots, we drank...

Did we sleep?

I don't think so...

The best part though had absolutely nothing to do with being on the strip.

On Saturday morning, J and I and two of our most awesome friends rented a jeep and drove around Nevada. It was so much fun...WAY more fun than The Strip.

We talked, we laughed, we stopped at a local pub in some out of the way village (not a city...not even a town...a village) and we met all kinds of people.

The best part was simply being with my love and good friends helped me take my mind off of my life for a bit.

I'm not about hiding from my troubles or ignoring my feelings, but I am about finding a way to relax and enjoy life even when life itself doesn't seem to be enjoying me.

I learned a great lesson. I learned that no matter how much things can suck, when you surround yourself with good people who love you, you can make it through anything and you CAN feel good...even if it's between the times you feel not so good.

I feel, in this moment, like the absolute luckiest woman in the whole world...and that is because I have people who love me no matter what.

I've written so many posts about how you have to love the person you are with exactly the way they are right now. If you want to change them...then you do not love them exactly the way they are right now.

I forgot though...it is just as important to love OURSELVES exactly the way we are right now. If we don't...it makes it harder for someone else to do it.

Lately, I haven't been loving myself exactly the way I am right now. My weekend in Vegas brought that back. Seeing other people who have loved me exactly the way I am right now still loving me when I'm not exactly the same...well...they are my inspiration.

Yes...things need to change. There are parts of my situation that need to change. There are parts of me that need to change.

But I learned...if I can love myself right now...even through the mess...and I can love myself enough to do what I have to do and make the changes I have to make and enjoy life (MY life) during all of it...

Well...that will make J's job of loving me exactly the way I am right now so much easier.

I fully intend to make his job easier.

If he can look at this mess, hold my hand, love me and tell me "We'll get through this together"....then without a doubt, I can make that easier for him.

No hiding. No pushing away feelings. No running. Simply loving myself no matter what and being eternally grateful for those who love me no matter what.

Hope you all had a wonderful weekend.

Much Love,
Mercedes

I Choose VEGAS!!!

2009-09-03T08:06:00.005-05:00

If you read my last post, you'll know I've been in a bit of a funk this week. Well...I also have plans to go to VEGAS this weekend. I've done a lot of traveling in my life, but somehow, VEGAS has skipped me (or I've skipped it). No more of that! Things are hard, but I'm going to put on the sexiest dress and the cutest shoes I own and I'm going out on the town!

(I know they say to wear comfortable shoes in Vegas because of all the walking...I say that is not going to happen! I have the absolute cutest heels and they are NOT going to stay in TX this weekend!)

Anyway (never let me go off on a shoe tangent...)

I know most of the time, I would be REALLY excited about this...packed a week ahead of time, etc. This time, I'm excited but...not the same.

So...I'm taking all day off tomorrow and I'm going to go do girly things. I'm getting my hair and nails done, getting a pedicure...maybe even buying a new dress. My plane leaves in the afternoon and I'm going to do whatever I can to be BACK...to be ME AGAIN! Of that...I am excited!!

Sometimes, when we feel bad, no matter how bad, we just need friends, lovers and fun to pick us back up.

Life can really take hold, throw curve balls and make us want to curl up and stay in bed for a month. I'm not skipping the month of September (even though I really kind of want to...).

I have wonderful friends, the love of my life and a plane ticket to VEGAS!! I'm NOT going to stay in a funk!

For men and women both, I want us all to learn a lesson from my J and from my good friend Tinque.

The way J is dealing with all of this is AMAZING. None of it affects his daily life. As important as the crap I'm dealing with right now is to ME, none of it is "his problem".

He could have walked away.

He could have told me he can't stand my poor attitude and isn't going to listen to it anymore.

He could have spent evenings out with his friends to get away from me.

He could have diminished the importance to me.

He could have picked fights.

He didn't do any of those things. He's been right here, holding me, kissing me, making love to me, letting me talk, letting me vent, letting me be as negative as I need to be, letting me feel my feelings and not judging or trying to change those feelings.

Pretty recently, J was in his own funk. He had a lot going on that was stressing him to the max and I felt VERY disconnected from him. I felt like I couldn't help no matter how hard I tried. I burst into tears on more than one occassion. I had a couple of "talks" with him. I went into panic mode more than once. I became insecure.

Then, I sought the advice of a very good friend and fellow blogger. Miss Tinque (you can read her blog here - REALLY good stuff) told me to believe him when he tells me he's just having a hard time and it won't last forever. Believe him when he tells me "we" are fine but "he" is not. Believe him when he tells me he just needs me to be patient and wait for him to be back to his old lovable self.

I took her advice. He came back to me...full force...and he's here, holding me through my own pain.

I think sometimes as men and women, we handle our partner's tough times...well...not so well.

It hurts us to see them hurting so we try to make them "forget" (meaning push their feelings away rather than really feeling them) or we (out of frustration alone) get angry and start fights or we disconnect and walk away.

Maybe if more of us were willing to just go along for the ride...we'd build stronger relationships. Maybe, rather than trying to change the other person or even "help them feel better" and instead, just believing them and holding them through their pain, we'd build stronger connections.

I know J and Tinque both believe it. And now that I've felt it work twice within the last month or so...I'm a believer as well (I think I already believe, I just didn't apply it to my own life). I learned the lesson.

Just BEING THERE really is all people need from you when they are hurting.

Much Love,
Mercedes

PS: Because of my vacation to VEGAS (did I mention I'm going to VEGAS??) I won't be online after tonight. I'll be thinking of you all, but I won't be posting...not even taking the laptop with me and the blackberry will be mostly ignored...

PSS: (TO ME) All this "I'm going to VEGAS!!" crap...well...Don't gloat Miss M...It is NOT an attractive quality!!

PSSS: (To everyone) I'm going to be guest blogging here on Saturday. Many of you already read the post, but in any case, check out Pinknic's blog...really cool stuff!!

(yeah...I'm on my way back to being me...)

So What Do You Do?

2009-09-02T13:41:00.002-05:00

So...what do you do when the world feels like it's falling apart? This has just been one crazy week and I don't know that I'm handling it well at all.

I won't go into details here but it just seems like everything is moving quickly downhill.

It does make me wonder though...how does J put up with it all?

Generally, we have a pretty great life. We go to work but spend a lot of free time hanging by the pool or going out to dinner or for a drink. We watch movies and joke around and laugh and talk.

And then all of a sudden, things start to go crazy for me and I'm not in the mood for any of that. (except maybe the having a drink part...).

I'm not upset with him, but I am complaining about how everything is going wrong. I'm not picking fights, but I am in no way shape or form any fun to be around. I'm not yelling and screaming, but I sure am talking and talking and talking about each of these negative things (by the way...these are pretty big things and important to me...it's not just a matter of having a bad day at work).

And yet, there he is...arms around me...kissing me...telling me how much he loves me.

I feel very fortunate, yet I wonder, how is he able to deal with a drastically different me?

And what should we, as women, be doing to ease ourselves out of these slumps more quickly so we can be who we really are instead of a product of our circumstances?

I'm not sure I know the answer to any of this and I welcome your feedback. I've been just trying to breathe and keep the tears out of my eyes until the storm passes. I can't even truly meditate right now because, as good as I have gotten at yoga, this seems to be bigger than that and I can't relax my tummy (and without a relaxed tummy, yoga has very little effect on my mental state of mind). Usually, I can...maybe there are just too many things going on right now.

What do you do? Thoughts?? Ideas??

What works for you when it's time to relax and be you again?

As I said, I feel very fortunate to have J in my life. He's certainly my rock right now and I love that. But...I want me back before he too starts to feel the stress of being with someone who just doesn't quite have it all together right now.

Please...comments welcome...

Much Love,
Mercedes

Effective Communication in 5 Steps.

2009-08-26T11:00:00.001-05:00

I recently received a question from Margaret:

“What would your biggest tip be for effective communication?”

And I gave the short answer:

“My biggest tip would be to stay calm and remove all drama. No matter what is happening or what you need to talk about, drama will take away from the issue at hand and cause two people to react in ways not associated with the actual problem. I really like this question though and will most likely create a post around it…”

And now, it’s time. I really do love this question and want to talk about it even more.

Removing drama is kind of my motto. When we communicate with drama, the person we are talking to will almost instantly either clam up or get defensive.

All of a sudden, the communication is no longer effective.

You’ve read my steps before:

1. State which of your boundaries was crossed.
2. State how you feel.
3. Wait for a response
4. Repeat steps one through three.
5. If it isn’t working say: “I made a promise to myself that I would never again fight about how I feel. I feel like that’s what you’re asking me to do. I’m going to walk away for a bit and calm myself down. We can talk about this again when I come back.”

(A boundary was crossed. He knows how I feel. He’s had the opportunity to be calm and talk to me about it. I’m going to make myself happy again with or without him. I’m willing to try again later if he’s willing to try again with me.)

With these steps, along with maintaining eye contact and keeping your voice calm, there is no drama…and no drama, although it will not guarantee he’ll be listening, will increase your chances that the conversation will be effective and produce results.

Sometimes, those results are EXACTLY what we were looking for.

Sometimes, not so much.

Always…you will know that you handled yourself with dignity and grace and that you were true to yourself, your boundaries and your feelings. Always…you will be able to walk away with respect for yourself.

One thing I want to discuss as well is these deep desires we women have to have one of those “talks” with our guy.

They really don’t like to have “the talk”.

We really want to have “the talk”.

So…what do we do?

For me, J and I have had a pretty rough past. As most of you know, the last time we came back together, I came back with boundaries and he came back with a deep desire to be the man of my dreams forever…but…I didn’t make that part easy on him.

I told him that sometimes, I was going to need to talk about our past, I was going to need to ask questions, I was going to need to be able to tell him when I’m scared or insecure or upset.

He agreed.

He has stuck to that and lets me talk whenever I need to, but he says every time he has to tell himself throughout the conversation:

“Come on J. You can do this. She’s never left you over one of these talks and she won’t this time.”

He has to prepare himself the entire time.

Because I know he needs to do this and I know most men do, I’ve learned to really make him feel safe.

I’ve never flown off the handle when we’re discussing something that hurts me or angers me.

Instead, I follow my steps.

I also encourage total honesty from him. I’ve actually discussed with him how much I need that…and I’ve pointed out that the only times he’s seen me get really angry and storm out of his life is when I found out he was lying to me.

Since then, I caught him in a lie once. Here’s what I said to him?

“Don’t do this. You already told me the truth here…you just can’t remember it. Here’s the thing. I know you lie to me because you don’t want to hurt me. The fact is, YOU do not get to decide what hurts. I do. Your role in this is to tell me the truth and trust that I can handle my own emotions. You’ve told me the truth about things that were really scary or painful for me in the past. I want you to remember how I handled those truths. There were times when you cried because you were so happy to know that you could tell me something and I was right there, working through it with you. Now, remember the times you’ve lied to me. Think about my reaction. Which do you prefer?”

I’m pretty sure he doesn’t lie to me anymore. He feels safe. He knows I’m in control of myself. He knows that a HUGE boundary of mine is that I will not be lied to and I will not be manipulated…and I don’t care what the reasons are.

However, when I talk to him about this, when we need to have the “talk”, when I’m hurting, at ALL times, I am in control of my emotions and I do not dump drama on him.

We TALK…we don’t fight…we don’t call names…we don’t yell at each other…we don’t interrupt each other.

Without the drama and with telling him how I feel about something and with taking responsibility for my own happiness, we’ve found a way to communicate effectively and to respect one another and to love one another…even when we don’t see eye to eye.

He’s learned (over time) to respect how I need to do this. He’s on board with it. His willingness to see that fighting about something hurts us both and talking about the same thing brings us closer has caused him to become my very favorite person to talk to.

I hope it works for you as well.

Do you have other ideas? How do you communicate in ways that show your lover (or love interests) that you are here, you are safe and you are in control of yourself?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Yeah...I Want to Hold on to Him...but How Do I FIND Him???

2009-08-24T16:20:00.002-05:00

Okay...here it is...by popular demand:

How to Find a Manby Miss Mercedes

Many of you have been reading this blog and my posting on other sites for some time now and know that I have a tendency to write things that are straight forward and to the point and...well...not always what you want to hear.

I see no reason to change that up for this post!

Here's the thing. We really don't want to do a lot to FIND a man.

Yes, we want a good one in our lives, but...we ladies don't really want to have to go out there looking all over the place for him.

We're also smart enough to know he's not going to come falling down from our apartment ceilings into our laps either...

So...what do we do??

My suggestion is to start with ourselves.

Step 1

We need to look inside ourselves and we need to learn to love US, just the way we are.

Once we really have our hearts wrapped around that (and I'm not kidding girls...I'm talking about no more looking in the mirror telling yourself how fat or old or ugly or you are. Get this...get your head around the fact that you are amazing and I don't care if you have to pretend to be someone else in order to get that image! You create your image in your mind of this amazing YOU - in my opinion, get a journal and write all about "her" - and BELIEVE she is a combination of the YOU that you ARE and the YOU that you will BECOME)...then move to next phase...

Step 2

We need to look on the outside of ourselves.

Since we have removed all of the negative remarks about us (if we haven't, then we need to go back to step 1), we can look realistically at where we can improve and we can set goals and take steps to make those improvements.

Do I need to lose weight?
Can I fit exercise into my day (hint: Yoga combined with meditation will help with the emotional as well as the physical side).
What foods can I add and remove from my diet to still leave me satisfied yet feeling healthy?

How am I dressed?
Do I consistently look sloppy?
When was the last time I put on makeup?
What the heck was I thinking when I chose to wear this today??
Think about this one ladies. If you are looking for an actualy dream guy to come into your life, what would you want to be wearing? When you are deciding how to dress for work or a night out or even a trip to the grocery store, what would you want to look like if dream guy just happened to show up in that moment? I say...look the part...be prepared if he shows up. I can tell you that I have a wonderful man and yet every day (whether I am going to see him or not), I look like someone he would be proud to have on his arm.

Step 3

Go back to the inside...

What kind of life do you want for yourself? What kind of person do you hope to be? What things do you enjoy?

It's time to find those passions and start working toward some goals.

Do you like art? Do you want to know more about it?
When was the last time you were at an art exhibit?

Do you like photography? Books? Food? Music?
Put yourself into those places where you can meet people (male and female) and discuss what you know about the subject or learn something new.

Let me give you an example...

A few months ago, I was on a business trip to Indianapolis. I had never been to the city and had no idea where to go or what to eat...but in my training class, the instructors handed out a restaurant list for the city. One of the categories was "Something Different". It listed themed restaurants from all over the world...so...while I was there, I decided to take myself on the "Mercedes World Food Tour".

Now granted, I know NOTHING about food in Afganistan, but...when I went to the restaurant, I had no choice. I couldn't read or understand the menu. I didn't know protocol. I had no idea what to do. So...I asked an expert. He was a VERY handsome waiter who took the time to guide me throuh the process, recommend different dishes, offer suggestions about "what not to eat if your palet isn't used to it" and even, in the end (because I told him what I was doing) gave me directions to an Iraqi restaurant to try the next day.

I had so much fun...the guy was not only cute, but really nice.

I met a new friend.

I went inside myself, asked myself questions about what kind of person I was and what would be FUN to do on my OWN...without J...and...

I had a great time.

I found a new passion.

J and I have gone to so many different types of restaurants since I did that and now, we're exploring something new together all the time.

If I had been single though...man...what a cool way for me to enjoy and possibly give my number to a cute friendly waiter.

Let me give you another example.

I have a friend who wanted a relationship REALLY bad. She kept calling me to go out with her and hang out and have fun. Reality? We were looking for a man for her. We were NOT just going out to have fun with each other. We kept going to this one area of town that is notorious for young college age men who like to party. She'd meet a guy there and it would be fun for a minute but it never developed into anything more.

One day I said to her: "Why do we keep going there? I realize there are lots of guys to choose from, but you have nothing in common with those men. You don't even like to hang out where they do. You prefer a small pub with a hometown feel over a huge loud club. So why do you want to meet men who prefer huge loud clubs?"

She got so tired of the whole scene, she swore off men all together.

She focused on finding a position as the lead singer in a band (her dream).

A little over a year later, she married the drummer in her band.

So here's the thing:

It's so important for us to be in the right place at the right time.

It's easy to find a "hook-up" at a night club...

It's easy to put pressure on ourselves to try to find that guy and get moving on with a relationship.

Which then makes it easy for us to go to those clubs where we end up finding that "hook-up" and nothing more.

It's a cycle.

We want a man.
We go to a place where men are all over the place looking for a woman.
We meet a man.
We "hook-up".
We lose man.
We want a man.
We go to a place...

blah, blah, blah

What we forget to do is make the most of our own lives.

We forget to give ourselves an image that contains not only the beautiful, amazing woman we are NOW, but an image of what we're going to be like as we continue on our journey.

We forget to look and feel our best whether its for a trip to the grocery store or a night out with the girls.

We forget to look for the things that we LOVE to do and we forget how to make some FUN happen in our lives.

We forget to make the most of each opportunity that comes our way.

We forget that in order to find someone who likes the same things we like, has as much fun as we do, takes pride in what they look like, has dreams and goals...

Well...

We have to BE that person too...and we have to BE that IN OUR LIVES RIGHT NOW.

So...

What I'm saying is don't DO anything to find a man.

Do everything in your power to find your BEST you.

Let those men find you.

They will.

Trust me. I know.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Answers to Your Questions!!!

2009-08-20T17:01:00.002-05:00

It’s time…I’m here to tell you all about me!! This was a ton of fun for me, but yes…some of the questions were really hard to answer. I did my best though…so let me know what you think…

The Novelista Barista said...
:) yay! love ur questions...
here are more

1. what do u do for a living and what did u used to want to do for a living?

I work for a phone company as a Project Manager. When I was little, I wanted to be a doctor…because they had really big desks and I wanted a really big desk. I have a really big desk and never have to see blood, so I’m good with my change of heart.

2. where was ur best vacation to?

Oh gosh! I’ve been to lots of places. I think Jamaica was my favorite so far, but I plan to vacation in (and eventually move to) Brazil and I’m guessing that will be the one I love.

3. what was the nicest thing someone has done for you.

I’ve had so many good people in my life and some wonderful things happen because of it, so this is a hard one to answer. I guess if I had to pick just one thing, I’d go with something J did. I had mentioned one time in a very off hand manner and while we were just chatting that I someday wanted to try Dom Perignon champagne. Well, months later when we met for a long weekend, he brought some with him and had it chilling in the room when I got there. It wasn’t the champagne or the cost that amazed me, it was the fact that for the first time in my life, a man took something I said, remembered it and made it happen for me. I guess it was knowing that even when we were just chatting about nothing, he was still listening to me.

Anonymous said...
Hey Mercedes,

I have a question.... I am very much a thinker in fact I am most attracted to men who can "make love" to my mind...lol and are sexy! Anyways, where would you say the balance is on this if I don't just want to be a friend. Also, they say men don't like us to tell them about themselves (not tell them off) like observations that we have made about what they like don't like - who they are... I love to tell people about themselves and they love it it makes and instant connection cause I'm always right!! I haven't tried it on men what do you think?

I would say the balance to find when you are a “thinker” and don’t want to be “just friends” is in your vibe. I’m the same way, I think logically about everything that ever happens. The key is to make sure my vibe is one of intelligence, yet not one that says “I’m right, you’re wrong and I want to control you”. I also think it’s VERY important to remember that there are a LOT of men out there who are seriously turned on by logically thinking women. It’s a matter of finding the right man for you and not trying to be someone you aren’t to fit into the mold of what the man wants.

Part 2 of your question: I’ve never heard that men don’t like us to tell them about themselves. I’ve been doing it with J since I met him. He’s constantly amazed at how well I know him and he LIKES it. That being said, men and women alike really don’t take negative criticism well, so if you know something about them that maybe isn’t so cool but also isn’t something you feel is a deal-breaker…I’d keep that stuff to myself.

Simply Shannon said...

I stole some of these off of the internet (google is a great thing) and modified them to be what I would want to know. Here's a whole bunch of questions for you Miss M! ;-)

1. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Brazil…and I’m going to just as soon as I can.

2. What is your favorite: Color? Orange.
Food? Mariscada (by FAR)

Drink? Depends on when it is and what’s going on. Coffee in the morning, margarita if I’m by the pool, vodka/oj/pineapple if I’m hanging at a pub, tea on a cold winter night…so many…

Book? I’m an avid reader so there is no possible way I could pick one and be totally sure that’s the absolute BEST, but off the top of my head, I’d say Toni Morrison’s Paradise.

TV show? Haven’t watched a tv show in about 10 years…no idea on this one.

Movie? The Cure

Animal? Not really an animal person, but monkeys are cute!

3. Who was your first real kiss?

A boy I know from high school…won’t mention his name here. And how old were you? Into my 16th year. Yes…I did the sweet sixteen never been kissed thing. Late bloomer…

4. What is your favorite saying?

I have two: “When someone shows you who they really are, don’t make them show you twice.” (I call this “Apply Your Boundaries”) And “Be who you always knew you were…not who they said you had to be.”

5. If you could have a “do-over” of your life, what would you be when you grow up?

I wouldn’t change a thing with regard to what I do for a living. I still have dreams and goals professionally, but I don’t need a “do-over” for that…I just need to DO it!

6. What’s the weirdest dream that you can remember?

Hmmm…I honestly don’t know…at all…got nothing…

7. What’s the weirdest place/ circumstance you’ve had sex/ been intimate?

In an elevator. Lost a bet w/J…

8. Any pet peeves?

Too many to count…

9. What is your favorite curse word?

Favorite? Hmm…I guess “shit” since I seem to use it the most.

10. Do you have tattoos? If yes, how many and where?

Yes. A cute little frog on my tummy…

11. Any bad habits?

I smoke. Ewww!!!!!

12. Morning person or night owl?

Morning person, but I have no trouble giving up lots of sleep to stay out late as well. Just doesn’t matter how late I stay out, if it’s after 6:00am, I’m waking up.

13. What is your religion?

Catholic

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?

Whether or not they can carry on a conversation. I’m a talker and it drives me nuts when even I can’t get someone to fill those awkward silences. I don’t write them off, but I notice.

15. Detail oriented or big picture person?

A little of both. I think I have a split personality. I worked as an engineer and am in a very technical position now, so it is normal for me to really focus on details at work. In my personal life though, I definitely focus on the big picture and where I want my life to be and what I have to do to get it there.

16. What is your favorite childhood memory?

Probably when I was being really, really mean and my sister got some super glue in her hoo ha (long story) and I wouldn’t go to the store for her. I made her walk. Yes…that’s mean, but we laugh about it to this very day!

17. And the toughest one (maybe) - Why don’t you want to get married again?

This is a tough one! Mostly, it’s a feeling. A feeling that I really don’t want to change a thing about what I have with J. A feeling that in some way (either big or small), marriage does change a couple. A feeling that I don’t want that for my life. Also, when I think about reasons for why I WOULD want to get married, I can only come up with one. I love diamonds!!! I don’t think that’s a good enough reason to get married though…lol. If I want diamonds, I think I should just work hard and buy some for myself.

Anonymous said...
What would your biggest tip be for effective communication
Margaret

My biggest tip would be to stay calm and remove all drama. No matter what is happening or what you need to talk about, drama will take away from the issue at hand and cause two people to react in ways not associated with the actual problem. I really like this question though and will most likely create a post around it…

So that's it. I got most of them, but I'm always up for a challenge. If you think of others, ask away! And don't forget, for those "private" questions, I am available by email as well.

Much Love,
Mercedes

10 Steps to Letting Go of the Misery

2009-08-19T08:37:00.005-05:00

It's seems that I've been meeting, hearing about or working with a lot of women lately who are absolutely miserable and my heart just goes out to them so much. Some are miserable in their relationships with men, some are miserable because they've lost that relationship and some are miserable because they know they need to walk away and its so damn hard to do that.

Misery can sink us. Misery can change us. Misery can teach us.

For me, when I feel the pain of heartbreak, it is so hard to stop the tears and I find it impossible to eat. Every moment is physically painful and I feel so afraid of the future and sentimental about the past.

I've always put a time limit on my misery (the extreme stuff where I can't even leave my bed) and I schedule time for really wallowing in it.

I've posted about that in the past, but what about for those who can't just stop it? What happens when we really and truly hurt so much we don't physically have the strength to pull out?

What do we do?

I've created 10 steps I took to ease some of the pain and to begin to pull up and learn the lessons that misery teaches us and I want to share those steps with you. I hope they help...

On a quick note, for me, writing helps a LOT, so a lot of these steps include writing it all out in your most honest and vulnerable voice. Buy yourself a beautiful journal, follow the steps below. Write and write and write and then use that journal to encourage you on your journey. This isn't going to happen overnight, but it will begin to happen and that's a lot better than doing nothing and thus nothing happening.

1. Release all blame

This means we need to stop focusing on what he's doing or did wrong as well as what we did or are doing wrong. A focus on the past will drain you to the point where you can't begin to focus on your own life-enhancing growth and experiences. It's not easy to just "let go of the past", but as much as possible, take your focus off of the negative aspects of that very past that is making you miserable. Forget the mistaks, forget the harsh words, forget the missed opportunity. You focus should stay on the future and what you are going to manifest for yourself in that future.

2. View the other person and yourself with understanding and compassion

Once you really understand his issues have nothing to do with you and your issues have nothing to do with him and you're no longer taking any of his issues personally or putting your issues on him, you will begin to see that his communication style and level of commitment is all about him and not about you. You will see that the way you communicate with him is all about you and not about him. You will see that what you want in your life that he isn't able to provide is all about you. You will be able to separate out "my stuff" and "his stuff" and you will be able to work only on that which you have control...the "my stuff".

3. Shift your focus to creating what you enjoy.

This is easier said than done, but it is critical during a time of misery that we find out and focus on what we love about life. Our passion. Our desire. Our dreams. Make a promise to yourself (and I recommend you write this down and post it where you will see it several times throughout the day)...make a promise that says: "I am the most important person in my life. I would never break a promise to a friend and I refuse to break a promise to me. I absolutely commit to myself that I will shine and I WILL create the best possible life...a life that only I can dream for myself. This is a promise and I will not break it." Please, promise yourself that you will be the best YOU possible. Don't just tell yourself, promise yourself. This way, you will make one step every day in moving toward that life. One small step is better that no step at all.

4. Allow your feelings and embrace them...all of them.

It is critical to acknowledge our feelings and not to judge them. Feel those feelings, embrace them, understand how important they are to who you are and then...shift your focus to whatever it is that makes your life better (or that is going to make your life better). Your feelings are yours and they're real and they're you, but once you've embraced that, you need to replace the negative feelings with good feelings. You need to take responsibility for your own happiness. You need to take control over your life and how you want that life to play out. This is your book...fill the blank pages with things you love.

5. Make a list of everything you want to create in your life.

Dream. Imagine. Write. If you want it but it seems "far fetched" or like it "could never happen", that doesn't matter...because it CAN happen, just maybe not now. So write it down. Dream it all. Whatever you want to create, list it. This is your immediate and long term plan for your life. Worry not about whether or not you will finish everything on your list. What matters is that you know and you've written everything you want to create.

6. Make a list of every quality you prefer in a partner. For the "big" stuff, stick to your list.

This list can include things like looks, etc, but that's not what I'm talking about with the "big" stuff. I'm talking about things that a man or woman can do that would cause you to walk. I'm talking about "deal-breakers". I'm talking about boundaries. This list should include only those things associated with a love interest.

7. Make a list of every warning sign that tells you to leave the relationship at any stage - permanently.

Every person who comes into our lives comes in for a reason and generally (or should I say "always") there is a lesson to be learned. Figure out what you learned about yourself and about your needs and desires. Know what you want and know, without a doubt what you don't want. Take a look back. What were the red flags? What did you learn? Write those things in your journal. Remember them. Remember all of the excuses you made for someone and everything negative you put up with to save a relationship that wasn't making you happy. Learn those lessons and make sure you don't have to be taught them again. Remember, you don't want to compromise yourself when that compromise puts you into misery.

8. Make a list of every admirable quality you have on the inside.

We know what's going on inside of us better than anyone else. We know what kind of person we are. We know our internal faults, but more importantly, we know what makes us amazing individuals and we know what we have to offer someone in a relationship. The problem is, we tend to forget or brush it aside. We need to remember. It's critical to our self-esteem and it's critical to being whole for another person. Read this list daily and expand on it as you think of more. You know who you are, so tell yourself all about it and do it in writing so you don't forget ever again.

One key thing that this does for us is to increase our self-esteem and when that rises, so do our standards. When our standards rise naturally and authentically because we know ourselves, we attract a higher quality partner and we ensure ourselves that we will not settle for less than we deserve.

9. Make a list of boundaries.

Now, you've looked at what you want in a partner. You've looked at what your passions are and your dreams. You've looked at what you've learned from past relationships. You've looked at who you are. Its time to look at what you will NOT put up with in a relationship (any relationship...any interaction from those around you). You need to write out what types of treatment are unacceptable. You deserve the best and even though you won't always get the absolute best, you and only you can decide what you deserve and what you won't put up with. Write those things down.

10. Take a strong look at this entire picture.

At this point, you've done a lot of work and you've searched your soul. Look at the picture you've created and make a decision to go for it all. Feel your power. Feel your strength. At some point, you will feel your man begin to pull away some. It happens to everyone, but at this place, you know what to do in order to keep yourself in control. Re-read the notebook you've created through this process. Remind yourself of all you've done and then...GET INVOLVED IN YOUR OWN LIFE RIGHT AWAY!! Look very seriously at the messages you are getting from the one you love. Act accordingly and with dignity. Hold your head high, know what you want, what you need and who you are and take control of your life, your happiness and your actions.

You can do this. Pain is hard. Misery is horrible. We all get there sometimes, but none of us deserve to wallow in it. None of us deserve to let it control us. We all can take that control and we can control IT. Hang on to YOU. Hang on to what you believe. Hang on to what you know. Follow the above steps and begin to bring yourself out of that place of misery and into a place of hope, happiness and joy.

Much Love,
Mercedes

What Men and Women Want to Know About Each Other

2009-08-18T10:19:00.003-05:00

In preparation for the post in which I tell you all of the intimate details of my life, I thought I’d ask and answer some more general questions about men, women, relationships, love and passion. Below are questions Men Want to Know About Women and questions Women Want to Know About Men. They are questions J and I might want to be clear on the answers to before I officially turn my apartment key in to the management company there and start using his key on a regular basis.

What Men Want to Know About Women Answers by Miss Mercedes

Q: Why so many shoes?

A: Because women are right and men are wrong. Two pairs of shoes are NOT enough and you WOULD notice if we had one pair of tennis shoes and one pair of red heels and we had to choose which one we wanted to wear with that sexy little orange mini skirt we just bought to turn you on…

Q: Why do you like movies that make you cry?

A: Women have a ton of pent up emotions. If we don’t cry watching movies, we’ll cry over something you said (and it could be as simple as you asking “How was your day baby?”). We need to let it out and we believe you should be blessing and offering up gifts to those who create the chick flicks.

Q: What do you REALLY do on Girls Night Out?

A: We put on our sexiest negligees and have pillow fights. Duh!

Q: Why can’t we go with you on those nights?

A: Because we want you to wonder if we’re really putting on our sexiest negligees and having pillow fights…

Q: How can you talk to your sister (best friend, any strange woman you met in line at the grocery store) for hours on end about…well…and what exactly do you talk ABOUT?

A: Really? You want to know? Oh good! Because she’s driving me nuts and I always wanted to be able to talk to you about this stuff instead of having to go to another woman women can be so crazy sometimes and I want my lover to be my best friend and if you and I can’t talk we have nothing and I always knew we had something special and every woman wants a man who will listen to her and I’m so happy I have one and last night I was just telling Suzie how great you are and how lucky I am and she doesn’t believe me but I knew we were connected in a special way and OH did you hear Janet is having a baby but I heard her husband…. (In other words: You’re Welcome!!).

Q: Why do you spend so much money on salon visits and manicures and pedicures, etc but when we buy one new golf club, you freak on us?

A: That golf club does nothing for US as a couple and doesn’t make me “proud to be on your arm” or “lucky to be your girl”. The money we spend to make ourselves beautiful….well…again…You’re Welcome!!

What Women Want to Know About Men
Answers probably no where to be found…

Q: Why do you yell at the television when you’re watching sports? You know they can’t hear you and it doesn’t change a thing so…???

A:

Q: Why do you feel its okay to accept a lap dance from a beautiful and naked woman, but we dance with a fully clothed hot guy in a club just ONCE and all hell breaks loose? You realize our hot guy dance is your fault right?

A:

Q: For those of you who don’t, why don’t you dance? You realize that if you don’t dance, we have to go dancing without you right? (See question above about hot guy in night club…)

A:

Q: Why do you like movies (dick flicks) with action heroes who are stronger, sexier and smarter than you? Is it because you all believe you are almost Orlando Bloom?

A:

Q: Why the “cat calls” when we walk by? Are you seriously expecting a positive response?

A:

Q: Why, when you see your guys friends fight, do you get all revved up and violent and feel the need to either help out or break it up, but when you see two girls doing it, you sit back, watch and get all turned on?

A:

Q: Do you really believe we don’t know how to use the remote?

A:

Q: (specifically for the man I met the other night…) Was that your BEST pickup line or did you save the bullshit special for me?

A:

These are just a few questions I’m sure we’d all like the answers to. Can you think of others? What do we want to know about each other? My big question for life in general is: Why do we ask questions we’re not really sure we want the answer to? If the answer isn’t what we want it to be, would we still ask or would we rather turn back time and not ask at all?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Ask Me Almost Anything

2009-08-14T10:15:00.004-05:00

Considering who some of you are and how you know me, it might take a few shots before I can answer them all...

This post was inspired by another blogger. She did one of these and I was riveted by the questions she was asked and her answers. Check out her blog…really cool stuff. Anyway, it got me wondering, if I encouraged people to ask, what would they want to know about me?

Ever since I started teaching youth (in 1999…WOW!! Time flies!!), my life has pretty much been an open book. So…I thought I’d share that openness with all of you. This is the time for you to ask me anything. Ask about me, ask about my philosophy, my take on life, a question about your relationship, a question about mine…anything. I’ll answer almost anything and the only reason I say “almost” is because if I don’t put a small disclaimer in here, someone will come up with that one question that begs me to say “none of your business!” (and I don’t want to do that).

To start us off and to make sure I avoid letting you use your “one free question” for the predictable questions, I’ll answer a few before they are asked:

If you could go back in time, would you change anything? If so, what would you change and why would you change it?

I would go back to when J and I met and I would do things very differently. I would have boundaries and I would have stood up for what I deserved very early on. Now…I don’t know if this is something I should do, so I’m glad I can’t. I wonder…if I hadn’t made those mistakes, would he have felt like he had the time to explore himself (gosh! Would he have explored himself??) or would he have needed that time anyway and found someone more willing to give it to him? I don’t have the answer to that, but I’m selfish and if I could have done without some of the heartache, well…that prospect would be too tempting to pass up.

What is your most embarrassing moment?

This is an easy one. I have a lot of trouble keeping my mouth shut and it usually happens when I’m flirting with someone. So, I’m with a large group (close to 100) of people in my industry (all professionals in high places), we walked into a bar, the bouncer said something that caused me to make an attempt at putting him in his place (flirting…)and well…

Next thing I know, I’m standing on a bar with a “dancer” (the bouncer carried me over and put me up there before I even realized what was happening…) and I look down to a sea of camera phones from every VP and Director in my industry. I wanted to die and I really want to know those pictures no longer exist!

What is the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?

The happiest is shared three times over. There is something about giving birth and having your new son placed in your arms for the first time that makes me cry with joy.

The saddest is when my mentor, the closest thing to a mother I ever had, my teacher of life, my rock passed away. She was wonderful and without her, I would not have survived my childhood…or at least I would not be the person I am today. I love her.

So a lot of us know you’re moving in with J. You talk a lot about your independence and fears. How do you feel about this move and why did you decide to make it now?

(This one has been asked several times in some form or fashion via email so I thought I’d address it here)

Yes..this was a tough one for me. J has been asking me to move in for a very long time and I’ve been avoiding (as in signing an extension on my lease every time he brings it up) but, we’ve talked and he assures me nothing is changing for us and he’s not going to see me as “giving up my independence”. He made me feel much better about it. I still have some (or a lot of) anxiety but…I’m ready to make this move and continue to grow my relationship with him. It’s time and no matter when we decided to do it (and we both knew it was “when”, not “if”) there would be anxiety. I’ve always been one to take lots of chances and just jump, so…I guess it was time to jump. But trust me…if things don’t go well…you’ll be hearing all about “What Not to Do When You Move In With a Man!” :o)

Now it’s your turn. Ask away…anything…

Can you be creative? What do you want to know about or from Miss M more than anything else? I’ll read the questions in the comments, but I plan to dedicate a whole new post to answering your questions. Ask away and stay tuned to hear more about the life and times of Miss Mercedes…

Much Love,
Mercedes

Problems and Solutions to Online Dating

2009-08-12T10:37:00.009-05:00

I’ve received a lot of email recently with regard to online dating and even though it’s been a long time since I’ve been there...I have and I learned a LOT.

In my experience, there were so many problems associated with online dating and really, not a lot of information regarding what exactly we can do about those problems. I’m hoping to change some of that for you.

Here's the story of my very first online date EVER. It almost made me give up!!

The date was…well…interesting (is that a strong enough word to say “This guy totally freaked me out!!!”?). We met for dinner (early…around 6ish) at a public restaurant and needless to say, he looked nothing like the picture on his profile (maybe he looked a little like that..if you subtracted about 10 years or so). We talked and I enjoyed the conversation (as did he) but…my intuition told me there was something a little off about this man. He was funny, but it seemed pre-planned or something. The conversation wasn't "flowing" as much as it was "stories of his life" (which I'm guessing are his best stories and told to virtually every date he has).

Anyway, I ended the date at around 9ish (I had already let him know this was just dinner and a couple of drinks but I was leaving after that - giving myself an out, just in case he turned out to be obviously related to Frankenstein or something…). I started to drive back home after the date and wasn’t paying a lot of attention, just sort of reliving it and analyzing it…and suddenly, something told me not to go home, so I stopped at a little bar close to where I live. Within a few minutes, I got a text from him asking me if I wanted company. I was a bit confused, but in typical Mercedes fashion, I decided to call him out and ask if what I was thinking could really be true. I sent back “Did you follow me?” He replied with “No, but the freeway turns around.” I responded (again...typical tell-it-like-it-is Mercedes fashion) “Nope. Go home. I’ll call you tomorrow”.

So the next day, I get a text from him asking me if I had fun at ________. He followed me. Even before it freaked me out, it pissed me off. Date #1 is a stalker AND a liar!! I never spoke to him again and was SO happy that I had taken care of myself and he didn’t know where I lived.

When you meet a man online and he turns out to be psycho (still is…I haven’t seen him in a very long time but about once a month, he sends me a text asking if I’m free. I don’t respond.) you can feel a little dejected and you can feel like giving up. I didn’t though. I chose to learn some lessons, keep going and…well…learn even more lessons. I dated a lot and met a lot of really interesting men, fun men, romantic men, friends, stalkers and cheaters...but all in all, I enjoyed the moments and learned the lessons each one brought to the table. I thought marriage taught me a lot about myself and what I want. It was NOTHING compared to dating lots of men I barely knew...

Onto the Problems and Solutions to Online Dating…by Miss Mercedes.

Problem: You don’t feel safe and wonder if you’ll meet the latest addition to America’s Most Wanted instead of Prince Charming.

Solution: I felt this way too, so know you aren’t alone. For me, my safety was very important and I didn’t feel like just because I had emailed with a man and sent text messages and talked to him on the phone that I would be comfortable in his car. All of my first (and most of my second) dates were ones in which I met the man during daylight hours in a public place. I know, it’s more romantic and special, etc to have him pick you up and take you to dinner, but if you’re like me and you don’t feel safe (or want your own car so you can make an early exit if you need to), meet him at your destination. The romance of getting picked up (and you’re running late so he has to sit in your living room while you fix your makeup and make him sweat) can all come later…after you know you really like the guy.

Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks.

Solution: First and foremost, online dating should be thought of as finding a friend, not finding “The One”. You might end up finding The One, but if your agenda is to get laid or get a ring, you’re going to be disappointed more often than you’re going to have fun. I suggest you think of it as a way to meet a new friend, not a way to the alter. Find things you DO like about your date rather than focusing on all the things you DON’T like about them…things you DO have in common rather than things you DON’T. Enjoy the fun dates and find humor in the ones that maybe aren’t so great. And remember, that connection you had with that one person you can’t seem to get off your mind…well…even if there were some instant sparks, the connection itself took time to build. You will probably NOT find the same thing on date number one with a new cyber friend.

Problem: Your dates look good in writing, but after that…you don’t see things heading in a romantic direction.

Solution: Don’t ask “Do I like this person” but instead, ask “Do I like myself when I’m around this person.” Remember, if your mission is to make a new friend and that new friend makes you feel confident and sexy and fun…maybe you need to hang on to them for a bit…everyone needs a confidence boosting friend in their life.

Problem: With each new date, you feel less and less like you are destined to find the man of your dreams.

Solution: These days, single adults are so afraid of settling we can’t help but look into the future in the first few minutes of a date. At that point, we stop enjoying the minute and start planning our getaway. I heard a great quote and I’d like each of you to apply it to your newest cyber date turned live date: “It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal. It’s not a long term commitment, it’s a latte.” Stay in the moment and enjoy every happy minute that comes your way. Don’t close your eyes if you know it’s not going anywhere…enjoy this date, in this minute, right where you are.

Problem: The good ones are all married or gay.

Solution: Look again…at the ones you usually pass over. I’ve met men who didn’t attract me instantly, but after I got to know them, I couldn’t help but wonder why some lovely lady hadn’t already snatched them up. I’m guessing it’s because those lovely ladies aren’t instantly attracted. Give these guys a chance and see what happens. The key here is not to close your mind or make a superficial list that you demand to conform to, but instead, enjoy the moment with this man who asked you out tonight.

Problem: You feel down about yourself and not worthy of a great date with an amazing man.

Solution: Remember, after you’ve been out there dating for a while with no good results, it’s easy to get down on yourself and wonder “What’s wrong with me?” Let me tell you, that “poor me” attitude is NOT a turn on. My suggestion, call someone before each date you go on (maybe your sister or best friend)…someone who thinks you are amazing and wonderful. They have the ability to give you just the pep talk you need to feel confident. Do this about an hour before your date and you’ll be feeling on top of the world when you set out. (oh…and remember…wear something you feel totally HOT in!).

Problem: Your date’s pictures seem to have been taken about 10 years ago.

Solution: Talk about this before agreeing to meet (even before the talks of meeting in person begin). A fun way to do that is to agree to use your camera phones (or web cams…whatever) and send a picture right now. Say “Okay…I want to see what you look like right now, when you aren’t prepared and I want you to see me the same way. Send me a picture of you in this very moment and I’ll do the same. I mean, why not see how we look “naturally” rather than that posed stuff we all put up online?” I did this with a man and he was so impressed. He actually told me he was surprised because most women want to prepare for those pictures. What I didn’t tell him was that I had already planned to do this, so…yeah…I was prepared. LOL

Problem: You aren’t getting much attention at all on your profile.

Solution: Do you have a picture up? Profiles with pictures get 10 times more views than those without and they also attract people who are confident enough in themselves to put their own pictures up. Read over your profile. Is it long? Most men won’t sit and read a long profile. They’ll skim it and make a decision. Make sure it’s short and to the point and includes all the stuff you really want a man to know about you right away (the rest will come as you get to know him). Is it negative? Take all that out. It makes you look like you are hard to please if you come at him with a list of qualifications and “what I hate about my last boyfriend” rant from the beginning. Final tip: If you’re having trouble with your profile, you can order one from www.lookbetteronline.com (if you’re not willing to or don’t know how to put a little effort into your profile, they’re professionals…let them do it for you).

Problem: He's nice and all but you don't want to lead him on, you don't want to date him and you don't want to hurt his feelings.

Solution: Remember, you just met this person. You don't owe them anything other than your honesty. You've known YOU since you were born. You owe yourself everything! I suggest, number one, you don't assume anything. Wait for him to contact you. When/if he does, honesty up front is the best route. "I enjoyed getting to know you (or had fun or whatever...say SOMETHING nice here...lol), but I did not feel any romantic connection. And...a romantic connection is what I'm looking for. I apprecaiate the time you spent with me, but I feel it best for us not to try to pursue something I'm not feeling." Direct, to the point, not hurtful...and you're off!
In a nutshell:
Have an interesting profile with pictures.

Take it slow and enjoy the process…have low expectations for the outcome, but high expectations for meeting a new friend and learning something about YOU.

Do not have a hidden agenda. Remember, you are meeting new friends. You wouldn’t lie to your friends, so don’t lie on your profile.

Don’t give up. It takes time to find true love…if you keep at it, it WILL happen for you.

So tell me:

What problems have you encountered with online dating?

Did you find a solution?

If you did, share it with us here.

If you didn’t, who knows, maybe we can help.

It’s not a proposal…it’s a latte…
Much Love,
Mercedes

Rule #20: Relationships Should Not Be Work

2009-08-04T16:04:00.005-05:00

Rule #20: Relationships should not be work. If yours is...he's going to pull away. Is it difficult to make you happy? Does your man think it's difficult? Even if you don't mean to, you may be telling him how hard it is to be with someone like you. If your relationship is more work than fun...watch him walk away...

So here we are, at the final “Rule” and I haven’t even begun to tap into the writing I want to do. Most likely, I won’t be adding rules (but I do reserve the right to make them up as I go along on my journey) however, I do still have a lot to say, so stay tuned.

Last night, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and my sons. At one point in the movie, the heroine started screaming and throwing things and basically, just having a fit out of frustration. Now, up until this point in the movie, she was strong and outspoken, feisty and confident, determined and sexy…and she felt authentic the entire time. As this particular scene was playing out, my youngest child said “Wow! She’s a nag! That’s not someone I would want in my life!” I said, “Really? Because I thought her character was really cool.” He said, “It was, but now it looks like she’d never be happy no matter what a guy does. Wouldn’t you just want someone who was already happy?”

This young man is 9 years old.

Does this mean men are “wired” this way from birth?

Does this mean he’s been listening to me when I talk to him about relating to people and how to handle various personalities?

I don’t know.

All I know for sure is that he is RIGHT and…It’s how a lot of men react when WE react with drama.

They pull away.

They shut down.

They get angry.

They don’t want to be around us.

They immediately start thinking about what they do want consistently in their lives.

They know when a woman is hard to please.

They know when they’ve been given the responsibility for her happiness.

I would guess 8 out of 10 male profiles on dating sites include the phrase “I don’t have time for drama” (or something similar) at least once and usually more than that.

So…lesson here:

Men hate drama and pull away when they see it or feel it coming on.

Now, as women, we are still tasked with being authentic, strong, outspoken and feisty, so how do we do it?

First of all (a little plug for myself), read and follow the other 19 rules I’ve laid out for you here.

Then, always remember, he can’t make you happy. Only YOU can make you happy! (I know, I know, you’ve heard it a million times from me already…).

Then, find out what it is you are feeling. For some, this is really easy. For others, like myself, we need to really check in with ourselves to see what’s going on, but it is very important to find out exactly what it is that we feel about the situation.

Then, discover whether or not a boundary has been crossed. I always say “Pick your battles” and if a boundary has been crossed, battle ON.

If it’s not a boundary, a simple disagreement, then it’s time to tell him what you’re feeling, tell him why you feel that way and then tell him how YOU are going to fix what you feel by doing something that feels good.

If it is a boundary, then you need to say (very directly and without the drama) that you will NOT be treated that way…then go on to your feelings and what you’re going to do about those feelings.

I say these steps over and over in my rules because…quite simply…they can be applied to so many different situations and can really help resolve a lot of issues before they begin.

But most importantly, you really need to remember that the man you are with (or want to be with) was/is/will be attracted to you without drama and unless you are free from drama with him, he will be unable to connect to you on a level beyond the physical. You weren’t dramatic when you met, nor were you that way on your first date, or the second, so don’t be now. That’s the woman who turned him on. Don’t lose her in the daily hum drum of life.

Physical relationships are easy and free and fun for a guy. That’s the part they love.

The part they don’t love is the fact that a physical relationship alone doesn’t last.

It doesn’t give them a safe place for their own emotions and feelings to land.

It doesn’t allow them the time or space to really get to know you on a personal level.

So…they move on. Most likely, they will be moving on to another physical relationship.

If you learn to remove the drama, remove the games, be fun and easy and free for him on a level beyond the physical, he will learn to trust you and rely on you emotionally as well.

And once that happens, it’s hard to get rid of him! LOL (use carefully or you’ll find yourself with a stalker…).

We need to be fun, free and easy (in a laid back sense) in ways that are both physical and emotional with our men. Without that, we lose.

When men feel drama, they pull away. This is a natural instinct for them.

When men pull away, we try hard to “fix” it…and generally, this is where the drama comes in. This is a natural instinct for US.

So…let’s bridge that. Let’s come together with our guys and show them “What little girls are REALLY made of”.

It’s not sugar and spice and all things nice.

But it’s not drama and fight and tears at night either.

Try it with your guy. One month. No drama. No fighting. Follow all the rules laid out for you here.

See what happens.

See if you can pull him closer.

See if things don’t improve.

Try it out and I promise you, if you’re with the wrong man and things don’t improve…you won’t be concerned because, to be quite honest, you will have learned to love yourself, you will have learned to be happy, you will have learned to make the absolute MOST of you life.

Let me know how it goes for you.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Rule #19.5: What Are My Boundaries and How Do I Enforce Them?

2009-07-31T09:43:00.004-05:00

Rule #19.5: What are my boundaries and how do I enforce them? Shannon asked a great question in a comment on Rule #19. She asked me to share some of my boundaries and to elaborate on whether or not they are all “deal-breakers” and what other consequences are there besides “I’m leaving”. Well Shannon and all my dedicated readers (thank you!), here it is…a little (or a lot) more from me on this life changing thing called “boundaries”.
For those of you who don’t read the comments, here’s what I told Shannon were my thoughts until I had time to elaborate:

I can tell you I do have a gray area. Here's what I mean: All boundaries are incredibly important to you and nobody is allowed to be in your life who won't respect them. Some of them are instant deal breakers. "You do this, I walk" (for me, that would be cheating as an example). With others, they need to be addressed (and I'll give examples of how to do that in my next post), but a person gets another chance to respect that (or even multiple chances). It's about letting them know they crossed a line and you won't stand for it but you're not leaving them. If that same boundary or many of your boundaries are consistently broken and not respected, then yes, in that situation, it becomes a deal breaker.

Boundaries are about how you demand to be treated. What you can and cannot accept as far as appropriate behavior. What you need in your life in order to be happy. Now, will people you love make mistakes and cross those lines? Yes. Will you always have communicated what you need so they even KNOW they’re crossing a line? No. So do you walk away every time someone does something you don’t want? Absolutely not. If it continues to happen, do you allow it to go on and on and on? No way.

If you do…you don’t have boundaries. You have guidelines.

You don’t have boundaries. You have empty words.

You don’t have boundaries. You have desires.

Boundaries are real and true to your heart and you know that if someone disrespects them, and you let it go without a word, you are lowering yourself.

For me, I have boundaries that I set for how I will treat myself and boundaries for how I expect others to treat me. I stick to my own (even though I know I can’t exactly walk away if I break one) and I expect others to stick to the ones I set for them.

Sometimes I walk away without looking back. This would be when someone I hardly know crosses one of my lines early on. I don’t want to work with them on how to respect me, it’s easier for me just to let them be who they are and take them out of my life.

Sometimes I walk away with a lot of looking back and a lot of heartache. I did this with my boyfriend. I ended up taking him back, but the line he crossed was big enough for me to walk away and it wasn’t until he worked hard to convince me he’d changed that I was able to allow him back into my life.

Sometimes, I let him know he's crossed a line and that I can’t allow it to continue. For this,

I let him know what happened (What you just said hurt very much).

I let him know what boundary he crossed (I will not put up with anyone saying disrespectful things to me).

I tell him what I’m going to do to feel better (I’m going to go be alone with a bubble bath right now to calm down and center myself).

I tell him what he can do to help make this better (I need this time alone, so I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t try to talk to me right now. When I am finished, I’d be happy to talk to you about it again only in a more respectful manner).

I turn around and do what I just said I was going to do.

And I tell myself its all okay and this isn’t the end of the world. I don’t end things with him and I don’t continue to hold it over his head.

And I remember that if this doesn’t work to change his behavior and he continues to disrespect me, I’ll have to walk away from the relationship.

I’ll have to change this boundary into a deal-breaker for this relationship.

So…what are my boundaries? Well, I have lots, but many of them hold the key to several things:

No fighting. This one is for me. I will tell you how I feel. I will tell you what I’m going to do. I will tell you which boundary you crossed. I will NOT argue with you about any of this because NONE of it is up for debate.

No cheating. This is for my boyfriend and it includes an emotional affair and touching of strippers – ie lap dances, etc – as well as full on cheating. This is an instant deal-breaker.

No female friends I’m not aware of and am not a part of. This too is for my boyfriend (and it’s because I used to be very laid back on this one, he cheated on me and now I have trust issues that I’m working through). It includes emailing, texting, blogging, phone calls, exchanging phone numbers, etc. I don’t need to meet every woman he knows and is friendly with at work, but if it even one time turns into a social thing after work and I’m not invited, he’s crossed this line. This is probably an instant deal-breaker, but I might be able to find it in me to understand if there was an explanation. I kind of doubt it though because the trust would be very hard to get back and I’ve worked hard on giving as much trust as I have already.

No manipulation. This is for everyone. If I feel like I’m being manipulated, I’ll talk to you about it and see if we can come together on what you meant vs what I thought you meant but…if I know I’ve been manipulated, you’ve crossed a boundary.

No lies. This is also for everyone (including me…if I’m lying to myself, then I need to fix that) and I’m talking about the real lies (not the ones where you tell me you like my new hair color when you really hate it). I’m talking about the lies that are used to hide something important from me.

No disrespect. This again is for everyone (including me). This is all about how I am treated and it encompasses a lot, so it’s one I talk about before I walk. I let the person know I feel disrespected and that I won’t put up with it…or I let myself know that I’m disrespecting myself and I need to get stronger.

Treat me with integrity. This is for everyone and is similar to disrespect and lies, but some things are “actually” neither of those but display a lack of integrity and I’ll address it right away.

No drugs. This is for me and my boyfriend and does not include alcohol or cigarettes…and it’s one that if he decided to participate in, I would immediately walk away. I have no room in my life for illegal drugs and no intentions of making room for it.

No pressure to do anything I’m not ready to do. This is for everyone (except me…I continue to challenge myself by stepping out of my box, but I get to decide that). An example would be how my boyfriend wants me to move in and talks to me about that but in no way tries to pressure me. If I were single, it would mean everything from pressure to meet in person to pressure to have sex from someone I’ve just met or met online. I’m okay with talking, and giving your side of the issue, and trying to convince, but don’t put the pressure on.

No telling me what to do with regard to my children. This is for everyone. We can talk about them, we can offer advice to each other, we can discuss our own situations with it, but I will not have someone telling me I “have to” do this or that when it comes to raising them. On a side note, this could change with my boyfriend if we were married or living together and the kids lived with us. I don’t know how I would feel at that point.

Ok…so those are some of my boundaries. I stick to them. I demand them from others and I will walk if I have to walk when someone breaks one. I’m not about not giving second chances (except on a few things and even then, if the person can prove to me they’ve changed, who knows? I might.) but I’m also not about letting these things go without talking about them and letting the person know they’ve crossed one. I won’t pretend to be okay if I’m not and I won’t pretend bad behavior is okay when it’s not.

I stay strong with these because they are so incredibly important to me. As long as I can remember just how important to me they are, I’ll always be able to stand firm where my boundaries are concerned.

Does this help clear it up? Let’s talk about it. What are your boundaries? How do you hold firm? Are your boundaries strong? Are you living them? Are you learning to now? What other questions do you have for me?

Much Love,
Mercedes

Rule #19: Set Boundaries and Stick to Them.

2009-07-27T11:41:00.003-05:00

Rule #19: Set boundaries and stick to them. Think you'll lose him? Then he's not good enough. Be true to what you want. KNOW what you can't put up with or compromise. Make sure he knows it too and...if he EVER crosses one of your boundaries...be prepared to walk away.

Okay, so this post is one that is discussed in some way, shape or form in all of my posts, but it’s also the one I’m most passionate about. If you learn nothing else from me, if you hate every rule I have, if you can’t stand the way I word things, please take just a minute to open your mind to what boundaries can do to change your life.

Many times, as women, we are afraid to set boundaries, even more afraid to stick to them and even MORE afraid to communicate them.

What good is a boundary that hasn’t been communicated?

As good as a better-than-sex cake that’s never been eaten.

In other words: Worthless.

I’ve taught many women how to discover their boundaries, write them down and believe them with all their hearts and souls. But…

When it comes to putting them into practice, that courage and strength comes only from within.

Sometimes, we’re so afraid of losing a guy that we’ll put a boundary on hold…telling ourselves it’s just this one time or making an excuse for him because he’s got a lot on his mind or justifying bad behavior because it was a silly boundary anyway.

I’m here to tell you boundaries don’t work that way. Not only must you believe them, you must live them.

Here’s the thing. You can never change your partner. NEVER. A person will only change if they want to and usually, they want to when they’ve hit rock bottom and know the only way to move on is through change.

So…change yourself instead and let your partner do what they will.

How do I set boundaries?

To set boundaries, you first must believe you have a right to do so. You must feel empowered. You must truly know that this is your life and you have the right to live it the way you want to.

That’s a tough one. Most of us believe we have that right as long as we put others first and we don’t rock any boats and we don’t hurt anyone’s feelings.

In reality though, we DO deserve it and…not only do people respect us more when we put ourselves first, we attract people who REALLY want to be a part of our lives (you know…our REAL lives…not that fake one that’s making everyone happy).

To begin to feel empowered, use words like “I choose to” rather than “I have to”. This allows you to be the writer of your own book of life.

If you are doing something for someone else, you choose to. You don’t have to. There really isn’t much we as adults “have” to do…we can pretty much do anything we want as long as we are willing to take responsibility for our actions, so…we make choices…some good….some bad…but we can always use the words “I choose to”.

When you project to others that you have control over your own life and you’re living your life the way you want to live that life (by choosing to do the things you do instead of having to do the things you do)…people will treat you that way. There will be a lot fewer expectations. There will be a lot fewer demands. There will be a lot fewer requests. There will be a lot more respect.

Once you know and believe you deserve boundaries and you know you are making the choice to have them and live by them…well…what next?

You define them because if you don’t know when enough is enough…then you are (as tough as this may sound) contributing to your own misery.

Yup. If you put up with more than what feels good for you, then you are in your situation because you are allowing it to happen.

That means it’s time to define your boundaries.

I suggest you make two lists. The first one is a list of qualities you want in a mate. I’m not talking about looks, I’m talking about personality traits. What type of man/woman do you want? What things are really important to you? What character traits will you absolutely NOT put up with?

The second list should be a list of “Relationship Deal Breakers”. What things in a relationship will you not put up with? What behaviors will cause you to walk away and not look back?

Both of these lists need to be very specific. For some of us, we want a man who we can trust (list #1) and we will not put up with lies from our partner (list #2). But…what do we mean by “trust”? What kinds of things will this man/woman need to do in order to prove our trust? For some women, that means sharing email addresses and having access to passwords. For others, it comes easier than that and we say “I trust you until you break that trust”. Neither of these is wrong…but it’s important to be specific and define what you need.

Now…read over your lists. Everything you wrote. Everything you need in order to be happy. Those are boundaries.

I suggest you read these lists every day.

I suggest you memorize them.

And now…you’ll learn to communicate them.

Saying our boundaries out loud is very difficult because we can feel like we’re being demanding.

Well…we are.

And that’s a GOOD thing.

Because we’re talking about OUR LIVES and what we need to be happy!

I see no need to keep those things to ourselves.

Now, I don’t mean you need to hand your list to every guy you meet and ask him if he fits the bill.

But…if you have an online profile, you can certainly put a few of them into your bio.

For example: I’m looking for a man I can trust. In order to be happy, I need a man I can trust with my feelings, with my thoughts, with my dreams. That trust takes time to build, but the right man for me will be leading me down that path and proving his trustworthiness every day as we travel along our journey. I have every intention of returning that favor.

Then…as you get to know a guy (or heck…if done right, on the first date), ask him questions.

Ask…if you had to list 10 things that would instantly end a relationship for you, what would they be?

Then…list 10 for him.

Ask him to be specific with you too. Like if he says trust, you say, “How would a woman prove her trust to you?”

And…when the two of you are talking, you can discuss which things on your lists are the same and which ones differ.

It’s a cute and fun way to have a conversation about boundaries early on…and it’s a wonderful way to find out exactly what the man across the table from you is looking for in a mate.

Then…if you’re really living your life the way you want to live it…well…you’ll know if he’s even potentially a keeper, or if he’s already a deal breaker.

And ALWAYS be ready to walk away if you are with (whether it be dinner or a long term relationship) a man who cannot respect those boundaries. Once you communicate them, you need to mean them.

Boundaries bring respect if, and only if, we respect OURSELVES enough to hold them true to our hearts.

If you say the words “Deal Breaker”….then they’d better be just that. If they aren’t, then they aren’t boundaries. They are just words. And “just words” will not get you respect, and no respect will not get you love and no love will not get you to a place where your relationship is happier than you could have ever dreamed.

What are your boundaries? Have you written them? Have you memorized them? Have you communicated them? Are they so strong and sure in your mind, heart and soul that you are willing to walk away from anyone who doesn’t respect them?

Let’s do this!

1. Know you deserve them.
2. Define them.
3. Read them daily and memorize them.
4. Communicate them.
5. Live them.
6. Walk away if you have someone in your life who cannot or will not respect them.

Much Love,
Mercedes

Rule #18: Don't Be Exclusive If You Want To Be Married

2009-07-20T14:32:00.002-05:00

Rule #18: Don't be exlusive if you want to be married...It's all about honesty. Does he know you want to be married someday? Does he know you're not looking to be a lifelong girlfriend? Yes? Has he proposed? No? Then how the heck did he manage to get you all to himself?
For those of you who know me or have gotten to know me through the internet, this "rule" may seem surprising - coming from me.

I am in an exclusive relationship and there is no ring on my finger.

So...why would I give this advice?

Well...quite simply because I believe it..but it doesn't apply to me.

You see...I don't want to be married. Deep inside of me, no matter how hard I look, there are no secret desires for a ring (well...I love diamonds..but I wouldn't want them to mean "engagement"). That's key...do you want to be married? If so, then being exclusive with a man sort of diminishes your chances if he hasn't shown up on one knee with ring in hand.

I'm not talking about the words "someday we'll be married"...those are a trap (or as I like to call it, a pacifier). If he hasn't proposed and you haven't set a date and started the planning...he doesn't deserve to have you all to himself.

Here's the thing. You know that saying "Why buy the cow..." well...it's true.

So you ask: Why would a man propose to me if I'm not being faithful to him?

My answer: So you'll be faithful.

Now, I'm not talking about sleeping around here. I believe, if you want to be married to one man, you can't be sleeping with others. But...you can be dating. You can be looking for the one who wants to move forward into a life with you and only you. You can be flirting. You can keep your mind open to the thought that "the one" isn't already in your life. You can relish in the attention all men give you. You can keep your heart open and in check while you continue to open yourself to all men.

So...do you tell the man you want to be with that you want to be married to him? I say yes. Tell him exactly what you're looking for.

This concept has been talked about by Rori extensively on her blog http://blog.havetherelationshipyouwant.com/ and it's one of the things she says that I totally and completely agree with. She has the idea of a "no girlfriend" speech and I love it!

You see...when you want to be married, you need to be looking for your future husband. If a man hasn't proposed, you have no way of knowing whether or not he's going to be your future husband. You might know you want that. You might know he says he wants that too. But you can't possibly know you're going to marry this guy until he asks and you say yes.

So you tell him: I want to be married. I have no desire to spend the rest of my life as a girlfriend. I'm hoping you are the man I end up married to, but until you ask, I have no way of knowing that's where we'll end up. So, until you or somone else asks me to be his wife, I have to keep looking for my future husband. I will be sexually exclusive but I will not turn down dates (say this only if you really will be actually dating other men...otherwise, you can leave it at "I'll be open to accepting attention and flirting and getting to know other men) from a potential husband until I know I'm on my way to the alter.

Of course, he'll claim you can't be faithful while dating so he can't trust that you'll be faithful during marriage, but that's not true and not your problem. So you repeat what you want:

"I want to be married. I want a loving, trusting, faithful, marriage with the man of my dreams. I need to know I've found him though and I can't possibly put my life on hold waiting to see if one man is going to be the other half of that relationship with me. If he is, I believe he will show me that in no uncertain terms. As far as being faithful. I want that. I want it more than anything in the world...but I can only give that to my future husband. I cannot give that to a man I'm dating." Again...keep in mind here...I do believe in being sexually exclusive and I don't believe in cheating. You need to be honest about what you want and what you're going to do to get it.

If that means you're going to actually DATE...tell him. If that means you're going to flirt and be open and exchange phone numbers and have coffee with other men....tell him.

If you're not already in a "relationship" of sorts with a man. No need to tell anyone. But as soon as a man thinks he has you or will have you exclusively...it's time to tell him what you want, what you need and how you're going to get it.

If this is something you want, you have to be clear about it.

Women can be so afraid of scaring a guy off by talking to him about marriage. But...isn't it scarier to pretend to be someone other than who we are? If we want something, we need to communicate it. I see no reason why a man would be scared off by a woman who wants to be married if she's not pressuring him to be that man.

All you're doing here is stating what you want. Stating how you're going to go about getting what you want. Giving him the option to be or not be who you are looking for and...

Not putting your life on hold for a "maybe someday".

There's nothing scary about that now is there?

So...I give credit where credit is due. Rori has been a blessing with her words on this subject and speaks so softly and confidently about it. I applaud her for this concept and, as I said, I believe it. Date...date...date...and keep dating until the right man steps up and says "I can't lose you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I will not share you with other men. Will you marry me?"

Then...move forward with a copy of Bride magazine and bachelorette party!

Much Love,
Mercedes

Rule #17: Take Time For Yourself and Allow Him Time to Himself

2009-07-15T14:14:00.003-05:00

Rule #17: Take time for yourself and allow him time to himself. No jealousy allowed! Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Giving him time with the boys makes all his friends jealous of his relationship. Want to be super-girlfriend/wife? If his friends wish they had someone like you...if you're cool...he won't trade you in. They'd kill him! Get those friends of his on your side...

As an added bonus...you appear super confident...and that's going to be very attractive to your man.

So...my boyfriend and I just went on a vacation together. It was a very long roadtrip and it was SIX days of being "trapped" in a car and hotel rooms with no way to "escape". I won't say we were worried about how this was going to affect our relationship...but I will say we were curious.

We've traveled together a lot, but never have we been in a position where we were together constant for that many days (in a very tiny car). There was some curiousity...

Will we kill each other?
Will we still love each other when we get back?
Will we be in desperate need for some alone time (like maybe six days apart)?

Well...none of that happened. We're madly in love and had a great time together.

Both of us have been married before and we talked about how different it was for us to be on this trip than it would have been with our exes. We talked about how lucky we are.

And...we talked about "why" we are so much happier now than we were then.

One of the important things we came up with was the fact that we both give each other the space we need to be our own person. We spend our nights together, we text each other throughout the day, we see each other all the time...but we allow special time to be alone and to be ourselves.

An example would be the fact that I have not moved in with him. I have my own place (haven't slept there in months) and it's my "where to go" if I just need to be alone place.

Another example is Saturdays. He has plans on Saturday afternoons. I used to go with him and hang out. Now...I take Saturday as my shoe shopping day (umm...have I ever mentioned to you that I have a shoe problem? Yeah...shoes on Saturdays...).

At home, if he's on the computer, I'm not there with him and vice versa.

On weekends, I wake up first and have the beautiful backyard and pool to myself. He comes out WAY later.

If the guys all want to get together and drink beer and watch football...I make myself scarce. If couples are getting together...I'm all over the game!

His friends all like me and are somewhat (maybe a LOT) jealous of him. They think it's so cool that I'll let him be without texting or calling all day and without nagging him about when he's coming home. They want that...and that is hard to find.

See ladies...we have a hard time with this because we're insecure. Yes...that's what I said...INSECURE.

A secure woman is not worried about who her man is with or what he's doing or when he's coming home. A secure woman doesn't have time to worry about that stuff because she's too busy with her own life.

Secure woman.
Confident woman.
Happy woman.
Amazing woman.
Woman who makes him a very lucky man.

Isn't this how you want to be described?

If you love someone and you trust them...then you're golden here. Giving each other time alone (or as we like to call it "me time") is so important to a healthy relationship.

J and I do things together A LOT...and I do mean A LOT. But...there's always that space and time when we're apart and sometimes...that can simply mean being in a different room...and sometimes...that means getting out for a girls or guys night out.

A few months ago, we went out of town together but not to spend the weekend together. My weekend was at one friend's house (just the girls) and his weekend was at another friend's house (just the guys). I was the only woman who didn't text or call once that whole first night (he did text me twice and I responded).

The second day, he was texting me a lot and I finally sent back "I can't talk right now. The strippers are here."

I got "LMAO!"

The other ladies got calls asking if that was true.

The difference? We have trust. Full on trust.

Later that second night, the guys came back to the house the ladies were at (they weren't due until the next day). We were sleeping (because it was like 4:00am) and my boyfriend came into the bedroom where I was and woke me to tell me he was there and was going to play some cards and would be in later. I kissed him, said "okay" and fell back asleep. A few minutes later, he was back in the room asking if I was glad he was there and didn't wait until the next day. I kissed him, said "very glad" and fell back asleep. And then a few minutes later...he's back in the room asking me if I missed him and telling me how much he loves me.

I got up. LOL

But...as you can see, that alone time and that not texting and calling and the whole falling back asleep thing...

It made him miss me even more.

Most of the other couples were fighting. What about?

Some of the women were angry because the guys came back early and this was supposed to be their time away.

Some of the women were angry because the guys weren't calling enough while they were gone.

Some of the men were angry because the women wouldn't leave them alone while they were gone.

What does it all boil down to?

A few things....

1. Jealousy. Both sets (men and women) had those who were jealous or insecure or who couldn't trust and that caused tension while they were apart and arguments while they were together.

2. Never experiencing "me time" makes it a bit uncomfortable when it does happen and creates that sense of insecurity where it doesn't usually exist...but if it's used consistently, this won't happen to you.

3. When love and trust, security and confidence exist in a relationship, "me time" can allow someone to miss you and really want to be with you again.

4. Men love it when a woman is secure. I can promise you...J and I were the only couple there that handled the "boys weekend/girls weekend" thing with grace and that means...while all the other women were bitching and nagging and calling and texting and getting all worked up, the men were looking at my J and saying "You are a very lucky man" (true...he told me about it and more than one of the men said it to me as well).

So I say, take time for yourself (so you can have fun and build your own confidence and security), allow your man to take time to himself (so he can miss you and impress his friends) and don't get jealous about it.

Jealousy...not an attractive quality.

Confidence...VERY attractive quality.

A couple who can handle both with grace...VERY sexy quality.

And that makes ME a very lucky woman and him a very lucky man!

Much Love,
Mercedes