Keys to Listening

Listening...it seems so simple, huh?

Well, unfortunately, many of us (me included) are not all that good at it. We listen with a response in mind, we listen while our thoughts are on other things, we listen and are bored with the speaker (I think about those times when people are telling me their dreams...I struggle a lot with that). We "listen" but we don't.

J and I have a word we use that we stole from a Stephen King novel. The word is "moogle". It means we're not exactly paying attention to each other right now and the way we figure it...who can really get mad when someone uses the word "moogle"?

So, our "key" is that nobody gets angry at a "moogle" as long as one of us is fully ready to admit we are in that state.

For example:

"I'm sorry. I want to listen, but I'm moogling you right now. Can you give me a few minutes?"

or

"You just moogled me. Maybe now isn't a good time."

And it works.

We give each other space to "moogle" if needed and we talk/listen at a better time.

In addition to the "moogle" key, I've come up with a few more that I hope will help you (and me) become better listeners.

Keys to Listening:

1. Always know that listening is an active activity.

Active? Listening isn't passive?

Yup...active. You must actively turn toward your partner. You must actively look at them. You must actively...well...you'll see with the other keys.

2. Hear the unspoken.

Be aware that sometimes, the person speaking doesn't have all the words they need to say what they need to say. Pay attention to body language. Pay attention to what they are trying to say without actually saying it.

I try to remember that under every complaint, every negative remark, every put down from my co-workers...under all of that, they do have a legitimate thing to say. They are sending me a message...they are telling me something that I can fix for them or improve in myself, etc.

Under it all, there is something being said that we, as listeners, need to hear.

In addition to what they're "not" saying, listen to your inner voice too. We have intuition and it is there for a reason...listen to it...see if you can hear what you're really supposed to be hearing.

3. Check to make sure you really understood and you didn't assume.

This goes along with the above. Intuition can go a long way, but, sometimes, we're wrong.

Repeat what was said. Say in your own words what you heard. Make sure that what you "heard" is really what they said and not some translation that happened in your own mind.

4. Use compassion and understand that men and women are different.

Sometimes, what the opposite sex says and what we hear really are the same thing but because we can be so incredibly different, their words can still hurt. Try to remember that he or she is saying what they mean but not meaning to hurt you. Use compassion. Take everything you know about the opposite sex and how they communicate and put that into perspective when hearing what your partner is saying to you.

5. Listen with respect...even if you disagree.

This is one I have trouble with...especially if it is in regard to a subject I am passionate about. I'm better with it when it comes to J, but I think that's because I know him so well. I'm a whole lot less good at it when it comes to others. It is something I need to work on.

What we all need to try to remember is that we can respect another opinion even when we disagree with it.

What my brain keeps telling me is that I don't have to do that if it is something I am passionate about.

What I'm going to teach my brain is that it doesn't matter how passionate I am...chances are good, if the other person is fighting it too, then they are just as passionate.

6. Listen with pauses of at least 10 - 15 seconds before you speak.

Oh...this is a tough one for me. I tend to start speaking right away. Even to the point of cutting someone off.

It is so important to give those pauses. Make sure the other person has said what they need to say before we start speaking. Remember that when someone makes a statement, they almost always want to explain it and we should give them enough respect to allow them to do it.

My biggest problem with this is when I agree with them. I want to tell them I agree and I want to tell them why...and I rarely want to wait for them to tell me why they said it in the first place.

And for you ladies, please keep in mind, sometimes (a lot of the time) men need to puase and think before they speak or answer you. Let them.

7. Listen without a known response.

WOW! Another tough one for me. I'm good with shelling out advice, but not so good at waiting to come up with that advice until the person has finished speaking.

I analyze everything as they are speaking and I'm ready to go as soon as they finish.

My advice:

Don't be an analytical listener like I am (which I am going to work on).

And

Shut your mind down...clear it all out...listen. This can be practiced with meditation which we'll get into more when I post my "Keys to Meditation".

8. Put down what you are doing and make eye contact.

We all like to be looked at while we are talking. Think about how annoying it is when you are trying to talk to your partner and they are flipping through the channels on the tv or playing a video game or whatever. It's annoying and you know you are being "moogled". Give what you want to recieve. Put down the phone, stop texting or checking your facebook, look the speaker in the eye and give them your full attention. If this isn't the right time for that, then say it:

"Now is a really bad time. Can you give me just a minute because I want to give you my full attention and righ now I can't. A couple of minutes from now, I'll be 100% with you.

9. Listen with open body language.

I know some discussions put us on guard, but when we face a person, uncross our arms and appear open in our body language and our facial expressions, they will be at ease and WE will be more available to really hear what they are saying.

10. Ask questions and most importantly, PAUSE for an answer.

Sometimes we forget to ask...sometimes, we ask but forget to allow the speaker the opportunity to answer. I think this is because we think we already "know" the answer, but letting the other person answer in their own words will sometimes surprise us.

11. Check to make sure you understood but didn't assume.

Repeating back to them what you "heard" but not necessarily what they "said" by translating it into your own words is a really good way of clarifying that the two of you are on the same page and not just making up your own stories in your own minds that have nothing to do with what is actually being said.

12. Stay calm and keep your tone even.

Always make sure that no matter what the topic, no matter how much you disagree, no matter how angry you get...you are calm and your tone is even...even if theirs isn't.

This is so critical because the calmer we are, the more real the discussion becomes. The harder we try, the louder we get, the less the person hears us because...

well...

They are defensive.

And a defensive person will not listen to US an better than we're listening to THEM.

Last but not least...if necessary...

13. Breathe slowly and deeply...

Take your time with your conversations. Breathe to allow them space and pauses...breathe to keep your tone even...breathe to stay calm...breathe to keep yourself from interrupting...

Breathe to listen...

So...I have some things to work on...I have some new areas of focus...

What about you? Are you a good listener? Do you have more tips for us? Do you really HEAR when another person speaks? Or do you sometimes struggle like I do?

Hope to hear from you soon.

I'll be listening.

Much Love,
Mercedes