Love, Yes...But What About Like and Respect?

With all the talk about feelings on this blog and on Rori’s blog, I wanted to address another side of a woman. Our opinions.

One of the key things you want to learn about a man is how much he respects your opinions.

We all want love, we all want affection, we all want to be desired and we all want attention.

For me, that is not enough.

I also want to be respected...I want to be admired...I want to be LIKED.

My personality can be a bit “out there” and very assertive. When I have an opinion, I usually make it quite clear. When I have thoughts on something or I am knowledgeable about a subject or when something political or religious triggers me, I make myself clear.

I find it very sexy when a man will listen to me, respect my opinion and if he disagrees with me…will debate the issue in a non-threatening way.

J and I agree on a lot of things, but there are a few things (like religion) that we are light years apart on. We have had so many discussions about religion and we cannot agree…and I’m pretty sure never will. And that’s okay because the most important thing to me is that we can hear each other, we can talk/debate without arguing and we respect the other person’s opinion.

In contrast, with my marriage, I couldn’t disagree with anything he ever said. When I did (and yes…I was pretty good at being able to "out-logic" him) he would feel intimidated, he would feel like I was putting him down, he would feel like I was trying to make him sound stupid…and I would feel like I was supposed to stifle my own intelligence and have no opinion on certain subjects simply because he couldn’t hold his own in a debate.

There was no respect (on either side) of the opinions, knowledge or even feelings of the other person. We didn't LIKE each other.

They say you should never talk about religion or politics in a bar. I tend to agree with this but only because of the addition of alcohol. I believe that anytime we are sober and with friends, we should be able to talk about anything.

But that’s because I also believe we should respect each other. If I have friends who don’t respect me (or even respect the fact that we just don’t agree) then…well…I probably need new friends.

If I have a lover who doesn’t respect me…I probably need a new lover.

I think having love and affection and attention and nurturing and all of that is so incredibly important in a relationship.

But for me, I also need friendship and respect.

I need the man in my life to be my friend (my BEST friend) and I need his respect.

I don’t just need friendship and respect at the office. I also need it in my own home and in my love life because being with someone who doesn’t respect you and who you can’t respect really, really hurts.

And being with someone you “love” but don’t “like” really, really sucks.

So many times, when I’ve worked with a woman who is being abused by her husband, we’ll talk about why she doesn’t leave him. Sometimes she’s too scared. Most of the time she says “Because I love him.”

A lot of counselors will ask the predictable next question: “What do you love about him?”

In my experience, this will get you a LONG list of all the things he used to do.

I prefer to say: “Yes, I have no doubt about that, but what do you LIKE about him and what do you RESPECT about him?”

And then: “What does he LIKE about you and what does he RESPECT about you?”

And then: “Are you comfortable being in a relationship where you do not like and respect each other?”

It’s a hard thing to look at and to realize sometimes, but the friendship, admiration and respect two people share can mean the difference between keeping the love and losing it.

I wonder sometimes if people looked at these qualities in a relationship much more closely and put a priority on them for their own lives…would we have a lot fewer problems with lust and/or comfort/security being mistaken for love?

I know for me, having J be my best friend, being the person I can talk to about anything, being the person I can debate an issue with, being the man I respect above all…is the greatest feeling I could ever have.

I love him, I am in love with him, I respect him, I admire him, I trust him…

And the coolest part?

He feels the same way about me!! That makes me a VERY lucky girl…

And I wish all of this for each of you…


Much Love,
Mercedes