I’m combining Rules 10 & 11 because they are so closely related and I have much to say about them together.
Rule #10: Don’t Argue. Tell him how you feel, not what you think. I can’t even remember the last time I argued with my man. Do I get angry? Of course! But as long as I stick to telling him how I feel, there really isn’t anything to argue about is there? My feelings are not exactly up for debate.
Rule #11: Don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. Tell him how what he’s done makes you feel (good or bad)…then WAIT for him to respond…then tell him how his responses make you feel…then WAIT for him to respond…
So…yes…this is a lesson on how to fight without fighting. I see many couples who are at each other all the time, but they never get to the bottom of anything and they end up in a vicious circle of arguments and bringing up the past and never getting over anything. This puts a lot of stress on a relationship and many times, it drives a man away. He’ll either leave physically or he’ll emotionally check out and we lose him.
For those of you following me or reading my comments on other blogs, you know already that I am absolutely NOT a doormat and am not guiding you down that path. I’m certainly not going to tell you that when you are angry you should hold it in so you don’t push him away. On the contrary, you need to let it out…let it all out…it’s a simple matter of controlling HOW we let it out.
When you do or say something to your man that causes him to completely blow up and say mean things or storm out or cause drama, how attractive is he to you in that moment? How attractive then do you think you are when you’re the drama queen and he has to be on the other end of it? I’m thinking not at all, in that moment, attractive. And…when we’re not seeing someone as attractive (either physically or pertaining to their personality), we’re a lot less careful about what we say to them.
We are different with people we love and admire and like than we are with people we can’t stand. When two people put themselves into a place where, for the moment, they can’t stand each other, they are willing to do or say just about anything to “win” the argument.
So…how do we “argue” and yet stay attractive? Well, we start with Rule #10: Don’t argue. Stick to how you feel…what the root cause is of why you feel that way…no debate about anything at all. This is how I feel.
Then…keep Rule #11 as the core of the conversation: Don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. He knows what he’s done. If you tell him what he already knows, he’ll get defensive and distant. If you continue to tell him how you feel instead, he’ll be able to see why he’s hurting you…not just feel like he’s being accused of hurting you.
I’ve referred to “challenging but not confrontational” before. This is part of what that means. You’re not confronting anything he’s done. Instead, you’re challenging him to pay attention to how you feel and to win you over. That’s a challenge. You’re not easy to get or keep but…you’re not difficult to deal with either. When a man sees a woman being true to her feelings and being able to communicate those feelings with boundaries and absolutely no drama…he knows he’s going to have to work hard to keep her in his life. In addition to knowing he has that work ahead, he wants to do the work. Why? Because you’ve made it easy. You’re showing him you will tell him what you’re feeling but at the same time, you’re willing to let him know what you want. You take the guess work out of you. He doesn’t have to work hard to figure out what the hell you want…he just has to work hard to give you what you’re telling him you want because there are a lot of men out there who are looking for a woman who’s not into drama. You show him he has one and he’ll want to make sure he keeps hold of you…he knows there are lots of men who would give anything to find a girl who doesn’t fight with him.
How to resolve any conflict:
Work from the “why” rather than repeating what you “want him to do”.
Here’s an example:
You fight constantly because of what appears to be a very small thing (you like to eat out, he likes to stay home) but underneath it all, you’re hurting…and he doesn’t know unless you take this approach.
So…he likes to stay home. Why?
He feels like it’s a waste of money.
You like to eat out. Why?
It feels romantic and makes you feel like he’s proud to have you on his arm and besides that you hate having to do the dishes all the time (makes you feel like you’re being taken for granted).
So under it all…and say it straight up…you are feeling insecure about how proud he is (or is not) to have you on his arm and you’re feeling unappreciated.
If you tell him how you feel, he’s less likely to assume you just like wasting money on eating out. If you tell him how you feel, he’s also less likely to feel like you’re accusing him of doing anything wrong.
You’re not saying “You act like you don’t even want to be seen with me and I can’t remember the last time you offered to take care of cleaning up after dinner!”
You are saying “When you take me out to dinner I feel like you’re proud to have me on your arm and you want to show me off and give me a break from the housework. Women love that stuff and when you and I haven’t been out in a long time, I begin to miss it.”
How can he argue or fight with that? And…if his thoughts are simply that it’s a waste of money, he might just be willing to waste that money sometimes because he knows he’s making you happy and he knows you’re looking at him as the person who’s doing that. You’ve made it easy for him to treat you the way you want to be treated without telling him what to do or telling him he’s doing something wrong. The key is you’ve addressed with him how you feel. You didn’t argue about it. There were no accusations. You told him…you let him respond…you can move on.
So…what if he still doesn’t change?
Is it time to find out what’s at the bottom of the reason why he doesn’t ever want to go out? I think so.
Ask the questions. Ask why. Maybe it has more to do with wanting to save money or quite simply not being able to afford it. Maybe that’s hurting his ego because he wants to be a man who can afford to take you out to nice dinners.
So when you ask why, don’t do it in an accusing manner. Be sweet and relaxed about it. “Baby, I know we disagree on this. I’m curious about why you never want to go. I understand that you don’t want to go as often as I do, but I’m really curious if there is some way we can meet in the middle on this one. Can you tell me why you don’t care to do this sometimes?”
I think he’ll open up to you. You’re showing him you care…you’re showing him you are a safe place to be honest…you’re showing him there’s not going to be a huge drama. You’re on his team (willing to talk about it and compromise) but you’re not his coach (telling him what to do).
Basically, what it comes down to is needs and feelings. Rarely is an argument mostly about your position on a certain subject…more, it’s about what you need and how you feel. If you can tell a man that without accusations and drama…he’ll feel safe with you and there will be no need to argue.
Just be sure…when you tell him how you feel…you give him time to respond (without any interruptions).
Much Love,
Mercedes
Rule #10: Don’t Argue. Tell him how you feel, not what you think. I can’t even remember the last time I argued with my man. Do I get angry? Of course! But as long as I stick to telling him how I feel, there really isn’t anything to argue about is there? My feelings are not exactly up for debate.
Rule #11: Don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. Tell him how what he’s done makes you feel (good or bad)…then WAIT for him to respond…then tell him how his responses make you feel…then WAIT for him to respond…
So…yes…this is a lesson on how to fight without fighting. I see many couples who are at each other all the time, but they never get to the bottom of anything and they end up in a vicious circle of arguments and bringing up the past and never getting over anything. This puts a lot of stress on a relationship and many times, it drives a man away. He’ll either leave physically or he’ll emotionally check out and we lose him.
For those of you following me or reading my comments on other blogs, you know already that I am absolutely NOT a doormat and am not guiding you down that path. I’m certainly not going to tell you that when you are angry you should hold it in so you don’t push him away. On the contrary, you need to let it out…let it all out…it’s a simple matter of controlling HOW we let it out.
When you do or say something to your man that causes him to completely blow up and say mean things or storm out or cause drama, how attractive is he to you in that moment? How attractive then do you think you are when you’re the drama queen and he has to be on the other end of it? I’m thinking not at all, in that moment, attractive. And…when we’re not seeing someone as attractive (either physically or pertaining to their personality), we’re a lot less careful about what we say to them.
We are different with people we love and admire and like than we are with people we can’t stand. When two people put themselves into a place where, for the moment, they can’t stand each other, they are willing to do or say just about anything to “win” the argument.
So…how do we “argue” and yet stay attractive? Well, we start with Rule #10: Don’t argue. Stick to how you feel…what the root cause is of why you feel that way…no debate about anything at all. This is how I feel.
Then…keep Rule #11 as the core of the conversation: Don’t accuse him of doing anything wrong. He knows what he’s done. If you tell him what he already knows, he’ll get defensive and distant. If you continue to tell him how you feel instead, he’ll be able to see why he’s hurting you…not just feel like he’s being accused of hurting you.
I’ve referred to “challenging but not confrontational” before. This is part of what that means. You’re not confronting anything he’s done. Instead, you’re challenging him to pay attention to how you feel and to win you over. That’s a challenge. You’re not easy to get or keep but…you’re not difficult to deal with either. When a man sees a woman being true to her feelings and being able to communicate those feelings with boundaries and absolutely no drama…he knows he’s going to have to work hard to keep her in his life. In addition to knowing he has that work ahead, he wants to do the work. Why? Because you’ve made it easy. You’re showing him you will tell him what you’re feeling but at the same time, you’re willing to let him know what you want. You take the guess work out of you. He doesn’t have to work hard to figure out what the hell you want…he just has to work hard to give you what you’re telling him you want because there are a lot of men out there who are looking for a woman who’s not into drama. You show him he has one and he’ll want to make sure he keeps hold of you…he knows there are lots of men who would give anything to find a girl who doesn’t fight with him.
How to resolve any conflict:
Work from the “why” rather than repeating what you “want him to do”.
Here’s an example:
You fight constantly because of what appears to be a very small thing (you like to eat out, he likes to stay home) but underneath it all, you’re hurting…and he doesn’t know unless you take this approach.
So…he likes to stay home. Why?
He feels like it’s a waste of money.
You like to eat out. Why?
It feels romantic and makes you feel like he’s proud to have you on his arm and besides that you hate having to do the dishes all the time (makes you feel like you’re being taken for granted).
So under it all…and say it straight up…you are feeling insecure about how proud he is (or is not) to have you on his arm and you’re feeling unappreciated.
If you tell him how you feel, he’s less likely to assume you just like wasting money on eating out. If you tell him how you feel, he’s also less likely to feel like you’re accusing him of doing anything wrong.
You’re not saying “You act like you don’t even want to be seen with me and I can’t remember the last time you offered to take care of cleaning up after dinner!”
You are saying “When you take me out to dinner I feel like you’re proud to have me on your arm and you want to show me off and give me a break from the housework. Women love that stuff and when you and I haven’t been out in a long time, I begin to miss it.”
How can he argue or fight with that? And…if his thoughts are simply that it’s a waste of money, he might just be willing to waste that money sometimes because he knows he’s making you happy and he knows you’re looking at him as the person who’s doing that. You’ve made it easy for him to treat you the way you want to be treated without telling him what to do or telling him he’s doing something wrong. The key is you’ve addressed with him how you feel. You didn’t argue about it. There were no accusations. You told him…you let him respond…you can move on.
So…what if he still doesn’t change?
Is it time to find out what’s at the bottom of the reason why he doesn’t ever want to go out? I think so.
Ask the questions. Ask why. Maybe it has more to do with wanting to save money or quite simply not being able to afford it. Maybe that’s hurting his ego because he wants to be a man who can afford to take you out to nice dinners.
So when you ask why, don’t do it in an accusing manner. Be sweet and relaxed about it. “Baby, I know we disagree on this. I’m curious about why you never want to go. I understand that you don’t want to go as often as I do, but I’m really curious if there is some way we can meet in the middle on this one. Can you tell me why you don’t care to do this sometimes?”
I think he’ll open up to you. You’re showing him you care…you’re showing him you are a safe place to be honest…you’re showing him there’s not going to be a huge drama. You’re on his team (willing to talk about it and compromise) but you’re not his coach (telling him what to do).
Basically, what it comes down to is needs and feelings. Rarely is an argument mostly about your position on a certain subject…more, it’s about what you need and how you feel. If you can tell a man that without accusations and drama…he’ll feel safe with you and there will be no need to argue.
Just be sure…when you tell him how you feel…you give him time to respond (without any interruptions).
Much Love,
Mercedes
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