Independence and a New (to me) Dream Car!!!

Some months ago, I went to Rori Raye and asked her a question. My boyfriend offered to buy me a car when mine ended up in the shop (yet again) and I was scared to death to let him take care of that for me. I wanted her advice and I was very torn about what to do. She gave me some advice that I think is VERY good for some relationships and for some women, but…something in me held back. I ended up turning down the car.

You can read Rori’s advice and the comments that went along with it here…but be warned…I got a little heated at some points and that was mostly because of my own frustration at being what I felt was so very “different” from other women and because some part of me wished with all my heart I could just let go.

A bigger part of me KNEW that if I just let go, I would live to regret it.

At this point, we’ll never know if I would have regretted it or not because…

I GOT THE CAR OF MY DREAMS AND I BOUGHT IT MYSELF AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER!!!!!

YAY!!!

I am the proud owner of a 2006 Convertible (Maroon) Mustang GT!!! (yeah…that picture above…that’s the actual car I bought!!!! The picture was taken at the car lot where I purchased it.)

But…the question is still out there….

At what point to we “give up our independence” and let a guy help us out if he really wants to and if his heart is in the right place?

At what point are we just being stubborn?

At what point are we simply fighting our instincts to be a girl in order to remain independent?

At what point do we surrender?

At what point do we give in?

For me, it was all about how I felt.

My biggest concern was that no matter where J’s heart was (and it was in the right place…of that I am sure and of that I am grateful)…no matter what he was thinking…my biggest concern was:

“Will this change our relationship?”

It wasn’t about whether or not I would actually BE less independent (I don’t think anything could EVER change that side of me).

It was more about whether or not I would SEEM less independent to HIM and about whether or not, because of all that, my vibe would change and he would see me as someone he has to “take care of”.

My belief, for myself and for my own relationship was that if this was simply a gift…something he saw and thought of me and WANTED to do to see me smile…I would have taken it with gratitude…and I would have SMILED.

But this wasn’t at all what was going on. This wasn’t a “gift”…this was someone else taking care of ME and I wasn’t at all on board with that.

It scared me and it made me feel like I couldn’t take care of myself and it made ME think less of ME.

And it didn’t matter what was really going on with J because…after talking to other women and after analyzing the whole thing for days….what it all boiled down to was…

I was VERY uncomfortable with it.

I didn’t feel good about it.

I was anxious and scared and upset.

And because of those feelings….the answer is YES…my vibe would have changed and our relationship would have changed.

Some women could have looked at this as a gift and could have smiled, laughed, kissed him and moved on with their day.

I personally could not do that.

I don’t think it is “wrong” of those women to take the car. I don’t think it was “wrong” of me not to take the car.

What I think is wrong is when we feel something (anything) in our guts and we know it feels uncomfortable or wrong and we do it anyway.

If a woman can feel good about something like this, I think no less of her for doing it.

If a woman feels horrible about it and does it anyway….I want to direct her to this blog. LOL

The size of the gift doesn’t matter. The cost of the gift doesn’t matter. The circumstances surrounding the gift do not matter. The only thing that matters is how a woman feels about a situation and what she does with those feelings.

For me…it wasn’t right and I stuck to my feelings against a lot of opposing opinions. I feel good about that.

For me…I need to do things like buy my own car. I feel good about that.

The day I post about feeling horrible and doing it anyway…that’s the day all my followers need to step in and kick my butt!

(except for those times when it would feel good to go totally crazy on someone because they pissed me off….in that case…feel free to keep me grounded)

But for now, I’m making payments on a car I love and I feel good about that. I’ve been smiling all weekend and I’m so happy.

What do you all think? Some of you were around Rori’s blog when this issue first came to light….do you agree with how this worked out for me? Do you think I should have taken the car from J when he offered? Do you understand why I made the decision I made? What would you do if you were me?

What about the men reading here? Would you have been turned off if you offered to help a woman out and she turned you down? Would you have respected her decision? How would this have affected your feelings toward her (if at all)?

I’d love feedback on this.

I’ll come back and read after I take a spin in my new car!!!

I Admire My Man…But I am Intimidated by Him

I let my readers go for so long without a word from me and I feel really bad about that, so here’s a super-long post to discuss something very important. I’ve received a couple of emails about this subject and it seems to affect so many of us in one way or another. Let me know what you think. Is anything like this working against you in your own life?

What happens when we are dating a man who we think the world of, but because of his success either in his field of work or study or because of his financial status we feel intimidated by him?

What do we do?

How do we get to that place where we feel “good enough” for him when, at this time in our lives, we are, in our own minds, not as successful as he is?

The first thing we need to do is figure out WHY we feel this way. It is clearly one of two reasons. Either WE are making ourselves feel this way, or HE is making us feel this way.

How we answer that question determines how we solve the problem and move to a more peaceful, confident place in our lives.

Let’s talk about when the problem is our guy is making us feel like less of a person because he knows he has become successful in life. Why would he do that?

Several things could be going on:

1. He is insecure about his own success (maybe had even bigger dreams and hasn’t accomplished them or maybe feels like he “should have been more”) and it makes him feel better to put down someone else.

2. He isn’t a fully developed man and rather than wanting a relationship, he wants a “Barbie Doll” on his arm. He wants to show off not only his success at work and financially, he also wants to show off his woman…but in order to feel good about this, he needs her to be “less” and to look beautiful. (on a side note, I’ve been here and it SUCKS so let me know if you’re in this place and I’ll create a new post on it…we’ll see what we can do to help you out).

3. He is a “provider” and a “protector” and has a very strong desire to save that “damsel in distress” and you fit the need for him. (and on another side note, this also isn’t a good place to be because eventually, you’ll either get better and he’ll move on to another woman in need of saving or he’ll begin to feel trapped and emotionally and financially drained and he’ll be the one moving on. Let me know again if this is where you are and we’ll do some work through an additional post).

4. He finds something sexy about dating a girl from “the wrong side of the tracks” and likes to feel superior and to give the impression that he’s a bit of a rebel. He makes it clear to everyone where you are in your life and enjoys the feeling of everyone wondering “why” he would go there.

If the above is where you fall in your relationship, then what you are dealing with is a man who simply isn’t ready to have a real, intimate relationship with you. If you’re not exactly putting him on a pedestal but he’s putting you below himself, then it is time for you to start thinking about what kind of man you want in your life and why in the world you would be with someone who doesn’t see you for all your own talents, love and gifts and it’s time for you to take steps to meet someone who makes you feel good about yourself.

When someone else has the ability to make us feel like we’re less of a person, then that person is quite simply not good enough.

When it comes to love, it is only real if the person you love lifts you up, challenges you, cherishes you and loves you exactly the way you are right now…and isn’t telling you you’re not good enough.

If a man is doing this to you, he is not in love.

He is NOT in love.

But what about those times when we’re doing this to ourselves? What about when we see all he’s done and we have a little voice inside of us that says “I’m not good enough for this man and I never will be.”?

What do we do when it’s our own fault, deep down we know that, and yet we struggle with believing in ourselves?

First of all, we need to remember that feelings of not being “good enough” are normal and common. Some of us feel that way about our looks, sometimes it’s about money, sometimes social status, sometimes our families or our backgrounds can do it, sometimes our age…whatever it is with you, know that those feelings are normal and know that by working on our own self-esteem, we can make it better.

Let me tell you a little bit about me, a little bit about J and how this all relates to our relationship.

A little bit about me:

I come from a very dysfunctional home. We lived with no money (welfare) and lots of abuse, neglect and pain.

That was my childhood.

In my adult life, I chose to be a survivor of all of that and I got an education (paid for it with loans and grants and hard work) and I worked my way up into a job that doesn’t make me rich by any means, but pays me well. I’ve been promoted several times in my career and I’m doing better than most thought I would considering my upbringing.

When I moved to Texas, I couldn’t afford to buy a home or a nice car, but I did rent an okay apartment and my car, although a “piece of crap” (as my son calls it) was staying afloat because I make enough money to pay for the repairs when they’re needed.

I’m not in the best place, yet I’m proud of my accomplishments and I’m proud of the fact that I still have dreams and every intention of reaching those dreams.

A little bit about J:

J grew up in your average upper-middle class home. His family struggled some depending on how the year went, but he never went hungry.

He went to college, all paid for by his parents.

When he moved away, he struggled on his own (as most fresh out of college kids do) and learned to eat ramen noodles and drink cheap beer.

He got a job with a company and worked really hard. Sometimes it was hard work, sometimes it was intelligence, sometimes it was luck, but whatever it was, he was promoted very quickly (skipping levels of management) and before long, he was in a very good place financially.

He drives a sweet sports car.

He lives in a beautiful home with a pool.

He’s in a very prominent position at work.

He is highly respected in his field.

And how did all of this affect us?

For starters, J and I are in the same industry (although we do not work at the same company, we are in the same industry). He, at his company, is the equivalent of my boss’s boss. He knows as much, if not more, about what I do for a living than I know. He could not only do my job, he HAS done my job and he’s moved WAY beyond it.

I’m good at what I do.

He’s “better” at it.

Another thing is my background. At first, it was hard for me to tell him about my family and my past. I had trouble admitting where I came from and feared that he would forget who I am today and focus on the fact that I came from dysfunction and wasn’t “good enough” for him. I thought it might embarrass him as much as it does me.

I was humiliated the first time he saw my car. I felt like he would be embarrassed to be seen with me.

I invited him to my apartment only several months after I lived there because it was “nothing” compared to what he had for a home.

The list goes on and on.

But what exactly was really going on with me?

Was J making me feel like less of a woman because he was so much “better” than me?

No.

Did he leave me after I told him my history?

No.

Did he refuse to get in my car and make fun of me for driving it?

No.

Did he put down my apartment and try to talk me into buying a house I couldn’t afford?

No.

So what was going on?

Clearly, it was me…not him. I was doing this to myself. I didn’t feel “worthy” of someone like him. I didn’t feel “good enough” to be on his arm. I didn’t feel secure in the fact that I have so much to give that HE’S the lucky one.

It was time for me to work on the old self-esteem a little bit and so I did!

Step 1: Remind myself every single day of everything I have to offer!
No more focus on what I DIDN’T have…daily focus on what I DID have.
No more feeling like J was better because of his accomplishments. Yes, he had accomplished a lot, but so had I and my stuff was pretty tough too!

Step 2: Bring J down just a notch. LOL…this had nothing to do with me, but everything to do with the fact that sometimes he crossed that line from confident (which is sexy) to cocky (which totally turns me off). NOTE: This is not for everyone. J is a man who finds it sexy…not all men do…
When he would “teach” me about stuff I do at work, I would spout off everything I already knew on the subject just to let him know I had a pretty good handle on it.
When he would seem a bit over-confident about how he handled a situation at work, I would give him very honest feedback about how that comes across to a manager and why they would or wouldn’t receive it well.
When we had a difference of opinion about religion or politics or anything for that matter, I would defend my case and debate the issue with just as much logic and conviction as he has.
And when he would "quiz" me about a certain subject in our industry my words were always "I'm not going to interview with you. EVER."
And my very favorite phrase when he was a bit high on himself and sort of "telling me what to do" was: "Oh no, you do NOT get to go Director on me!" (his title is director)
Remember - he likes it...this does not offend him like it would some men, so be sure to know the type of man you are dealing with. J told me one of the things he loves the most about me is that I don't fawn all over everything he says and does and that he knows he can count on me to keep him grounded when a lot of people won't.

Step 3: Keep MY dreams in sight and make plans to accomplish them.
J knows that no matter what we do together, I have my own dreams – outside of our relationship – and I go for them every single day.
At work, I don’t focus on where I’m NOT, instead, I focus on where I am going to be.
I stay as financially independent as possible, paying my own way, going without if I run short, saving as much money as possible, contributing to the household as much as I can and whenever I’m in a position to do so.

Step 4: Let go of the past.
For so long, the past was holding me back. I did a pretty good job of moving forward, but when it came to feeling “worthy”…I would think about the past and not be able to get there. It was time to let that go and instead, celebrate the present and the future.

These steps aren't easy and developing self-esteem and self-worth doesn't happen over night, but I can promise you, the stronger we feel in ourselves, the better we feel about ourselves and the more hopes and dreams we focus on and strive for, the more others will see that and help bring us up even more.

So what about your life? Are you intimated by your man? Who’s making you feel that way? Are there steps you can take to feeling better about it all? Did he put himself on that pedestal or did you? Who took YOU off the pedestal? What are you doing to climb back up?

Let me know! It's so good to be back...I can't wait to hear from you!

Much Love,
Mercedes